2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are families in which there are facts that none of the family members admits, to which they close their eyes, skeletons are hidden in the closet, which poison the lives of these very family members who keep the closet permanently locked. This cabinet is bypassed by the tenth road, and if someone accidentally has to look into it, everyone behaves as if no skeleton exists. The one who saw this skeleton eventually ceases to trust his own eyes and other senses, entering into an unspoken conspiracy with the rest of the family. These skeletons can include: mental disorder of one of the family members, offenses that have entailed serious consequences, violence, betrayal of spouses, and much more. It is especially difficult for children in such families, since such skeletons affect their psyche in a special way.
Thus, a mentally unhealthy mother is not able to fully participate in the life of her child, with the support of the whole family, she carefully tries to hide the presence of the disease and tries to pretend to be “normal”. The child does not know that the mother is actually sick, and the reasons for her behavior are not known to him. The child's egocentrism tells him that he is to blame for everything. As a result, the child is faced with the task of inventing a compensatory model that would allow him to somehow cope with this. The compensatory model becomes the leading one in the life of such a child, causing serious damage to his child's life and the tasks that it faces. Denial of facts that are important for the child, and for the child the facts that relate to his loved ones are important, which creates tension in his psyche; all of his reactions, defenses and behaviors begin to line up around this unnamed, vague situation. This vague situation, this terrible skeleton in the closet cannot be named, clarified, mourned, and therefore fixate the psyche on itself. The skeleton, invisibly present in the closet, creates fantasies, builds emotional and rational constructions, which are somehow designed to explain what is happening, the psyche seeks to come to some kind of completion, some kind of decision, and in the case of the child's psyche - a consistent decision, because she still cannot process and assimilate contradictions.
Truthful information, honest explanation creates the ground on which to build. No matter how sad the information is, you can rely on it, you can experience it adequately. Any tragedy can be “normal” if you allow yourself and other family members to experience it and, in the end, get through it. The named, the explained ceases to "hang" in the psyche as something muddy, chaotic and boundless, it acquires its name and border, and then it can be experienced. Naming is always an important step in the process of experience therapy; one can mourn and experience something that has a name, something that has a border. Addiction treatment also begins with the recognition: "I am an alcoholic", "I am a drug addict", "I am a gambling addict." The name allows you to move on, it is a kind of "from" point. Without the name of a certain tragedy, it is impossible to move on, it is impossible to get rid of the itching question: "What is happening?" and eternal false attempts to somehow answer this question. Where there are no boundaries, uncertainty and chaos reign, which incessantly sweep away any contour line, since it is very scary to face the essence, open a cabinet and see a skeleton that has been stored there for many years. But when this happens, the psyche matures to the point that a person is able to call the event by his own name, and an irreversible process of qualitative changes starts.
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