Separation Trend

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Now I see a certain "trend" for separation. Psychologists quite often write about the need to be separated from their parents, and people who are fond of popular psychology are increasingly saying that they "need to be separated from their parents." Undoubtedly, separation from parents, growing up, is a necessary thing.

Personally, I don't like the word "separation" - there is something humiliating and inanimate in it. Maybe because separation for me is the separation of milk into cream and reverse, and in a broader sense - the separation of something lighter from heavier. Like this: they were something whole (a family), and then the children ("cream"), having absorbed the most valuable, separated, and left the "return" in the form of parents who gave the valuable. (Or maybe the “cream” are the parents, and the “reverse” are the children?). Separation of milk is done using a separator. As a psychologist, I would not like to be a separator separating children from their parents. I would replace the word "separation" with the phrase "building relationships with parents at the adult level." It's a pleasure to be the person who helped build such a relationship.

What happens most often when a person who is fond of popular psychology decides that he urgently needs to be separated from his parents? He begins to behave with his parents like a teenager - nerves, scandals, accusations of parents in a failed life, all kinds of "stay out of my life", etc. In general, he behaves ugly, not like an adult.

In the film 5th Element, Bruce Willis's hero had a "wonderful" mother - she was never shown, but she became the "highlight of the film" and perfectly emphasized the "coolness" of the hero. Because only a tough guy can stay calm when talking to SUCH mom. Now imagine that a “tough nut” in a T-shirt and with a holster at the ready, instead of silently, sometimes saying something politely, listening to my mother’s claims, would start: “Mom, this is my life! Do not meddle in it, how much you will interfere! I don't owe you anything! You are unbearable! " Would he be perceived as a "tough guy"? By the way, in films quite often the "tough guys" have mothers whom they listen to. Especially when it comes to mafiosi.

This movie. What about life? In real life, people who can be confidently called independent say calmly, with a smile: “Yes, mom, I have eaten, I am wearing a hat. Thank you, dad, for telling me this, I'll think about it. " A person who is in his teens (even if he is 40 according to his passport) will shout: “Why should I do as you say? I myself know what to do! I know what I need to eat, not small! My children, I decide how to bring them up, don't bother me! " An adult will listen, thank you for your care, listen, and do what he thinks is right. He will not make his parents worry in vain - his parents will always know where he is, what is wrong with him. But he won't let his parents control his life.

What does it take to build an "adult" relationship with your parents?

• Adoption. Parents grow old, their character deteriorates, their thinking abilities are lost, it is more and more difficult for them to understand what is happening in our modern world. And they weren't perfect before. But they are our parents. Whether we like it or not, we are somewhat a copy of them. An adult accepts parents with all their "imperfections".
• Gratitude. Our mother did not have an abortion - she already has something to be grateful for, she could not give birth, but live for herself. If we didn't grow up in an orphanage, then we already have something to say thank you for. Not everyone is so lucky. And for sleepless nights when you had to get up to a naughty baby? For going to school fed, clean, over the years at the stove, iron and washing machines. For help with the lessons, if any. For the fact that the parents worked and spent their earnings on the children. During their time with us (parents did not always want to play games with us or read fairy tales). For outlook on life and good habits. I think everyone will find something to say "thank you" for.
• Recognizing our parents' right to love us the way they can. Maybe there is too much control, anxiety on their part, or, conversely, there is too little attention on their part.
• Forgiveness. We were all not loved by our parents - some are few, others are many, and still others are simply “wrong”. And you, too, "not so" love your children. The parents were too gentle, or too strict. Someone was beaten. Mom could be hysterical, Dad could leave the family and remember about the child when he became an adult. Someone "out of good intentions" forced a child - an artist - to enter a technical university, so that he "grew up as a man." Someone lived for several years with their grandmother, because his parents were building a career. I think everyone will find "something to forgive" their parents.
• Boundaries … You have defended the right to decide everything yourself. Proved by their actions that you can handle it yourself. When your parents try to violate your boundaries, you gently let them know, and not "shoot all guns."
• Support. Now it's your turn to support your parents, help them, advise. There is an understanding that parents are not getting younger, that their health is not something that sometimes they just need to talk to someone.

The family is a resource. An adult understands this, appreciates it, and tries to build mutually supportive relationships with relatives. An adult does not allow his parents to direct his life, and himself - to forget about his parents, leave them in trouble, be rude to them.