Self-esteem. Myth And Reality

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Usually, speaking of low self-esteem, a person implies specific feelings and sensations: self-doubt, fear of conflicts or public speaking, inner feelings of shame or guilt, difficulty in saying “no”, dissatisfaction with their appearance, and much more. Self-esteem consists of two parts: self and appraisal. In other words, there is a certain I who, looking at himself, gives himself an ASSESSMENT.

1. Who is this self-evaluating I.

The first image of ourselves we get from the family. We are formed in relationships with parents and adults that matter to us. At birth, a child knows nothing about himself or about the world around him, and up to a certain point, mom and dad are the ears and eyes of the child. Comprehending the world around, the child also gets to know himself. And the way in which the parents “reflected” the child, in what atmosphere he grew up and was brought up, is woven into the canvas of his “story” about himself. Getting into society, the child plus or minus “confirms” his inner image. And then, over the years, the idea of oneself is fixed, encapsulated and becomes a stable chronic knowledge - this is I. Behind the “self-assessment” of oneself there are complex and deep processes, the lion's share of which is from childhood. Starting from a false idea of oneself, ending with various traumatic events that a person had to face.

2. We deal with the ASSESSMENT.

In general, the concept of "evaluation" is one of the most poisonous conditions. Constant evaluation of oneself, like a pendulum, usually swings, only in two directions: shame and guilt. In such a state, you are always "under". Not smart enough, handsome, successful. Not a good enough parent, friend, or professional. If there is an assessment or assessment in your perception, then there is a certain scale of "normality" that you supposedly need to correspond to. It's not about self-esteem, but about a sense of self-worth and self-worth. This is the central and main pillar of the personality. Therefore, in a sense, there is no SELF-assessment. More often than not, this is an "echo" of voices that are still meaningful to you and echoes of still unresolved events.

3. Self-assessment and training

It is worth mentioning right away that by trainings I do not mean professional group therapy or various thematic groups aimed at improving any qualities. Public speaking courses, for example, can teach you how to speak skillfully, but they by no means solve the psychological cause of a person - a fear of the stage or of people. Behind this fear, usually, there is a toxic feeling of self-shame, and various oratorical techniques do not solve the depth of the cause of the fear, but only glide over the surface. Rather, I'm talking about "personal growth" training, as they are now called. A distinctive feature of such trainings, first of all, are loud slogans and promises to solve any problem in just a few days or weeks. A quick result and "secret" knowledge, which can only be obtained at the training of Vasya Pupkin, further fuel interest. You will be promised to gain self-confidence, freedom, money, happiness and love, and of course, increase your self-esteem. "Personal growth" is impossible to "go" and train. To become self-confident in a week is an illusion. To start living, acting or reacting in a new way, you first need to understand what is generally going on in your life as a whole. Self-doubt is just a surface symptom. And what still "hurts" usually hides much deeper. Therefore, it makes no sense to work with a symptom. First of all, you need to deal with the reason.