Is Mom To Blame For Everything? Childhood Injuries. Psychotherapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why do many people have a fear of losing a loved one as a result of therapy (for example, “I’ll find the bugs in my mother’s behavior, blame her for everything, and this will separate us! And I would not want to stop communicating with her, because this is the most dear to me Human! )?

To begin with, it is worth understanding - if a person has such fears, then there is something to work on in therapy. Unconsciously (or consciously), he realizes that there are injuries sustained with the participation of his mother (mother's object - father, grandmother, grandfather) and that influenced the formation of his character and the appearance of problems at the present time. The maternal object is considered the earliest and most important object of affection, but each person's life could develop in different ways (in the early period of life, the dad could be more important, and with age, this position was taken by the grandmother or grandfather). As a rule, these fears are not unfounded - if a person is asked a question about childhood, he immediately remembers resentment, condemnation, rejection, accusations and all the traumatic experiences that still live in his mind.

Why does such fear arise?

First, it is, in principle, the fear of touching trauma (all traumas associated with the mother's object are very deep, complex and emotionally filled with experiences). As a rule, people do not remember early childhood (up to 3 years) - there are a lot of strong feelings that the child could not comprehend and process, and even more so to influence them. Accordingly, unable to cope with his feelings, he displaces them, hiding from himself ("That's it, this did not happen to me!"). In adulthood, you can raise all the emotions you have not experienced and work through them, otherwise problems will arise. So, a kind of conflict arises - on the one hand, you want to deal with children's emotions and feelings, raise them, work through and free yourself from all this, but on the other hand, it is scary and morally difficult.

The second reason is that at a conscious level, a person is afraid to be separated from his mother. There are two options here:

1. A person really has no other resource in life, support, support, friends, acquaintances or any close people equal to himself (siblings). In this case, the mother is the object to which he clings as tightly as possible so as not to lose the desired intimacy, because this is the only resource.
2. A person unconsciously perceives the fact that separation from his mother is equal to growing up by default and implies a willingness to take responsibility for his own decisions and life in general. And even if the mother is infantile, does not take part in his life at all, he, unconsciously remaining in a bond with his mother, will feel some kind of support, support, protection (“I’m little, what can you take from me ?!”).

Quite a frequent occurrence when the process of parentification does not take place in children. What does it mean? The child becomes a mother / father for his / her mom / dad, he is scared to distance himself from the parent (“How will mom / dad survive without me? I am kept, I am merging with my mother, which means I am small. As soon as I separate, I will have to become an adult and responsible, I will be abandoned and there will not be enough resources … ). An internal contradiction arises - the connection with the mother's object is very deep, but without separation you can never become an adult, and there will be no talk of your own life. In fact, a person will continue to live someone else's life, suppress his desires, go not to his goal, realize someone's dreams, and his life will be quite difficult and alarming (an important role in this is played by the fear of taking responsibility for his decisions).

If you are afraid to go to therapy, you should understand that things are not so tough here. Psychotherapists do not work according to the principle: “Ahhh… It's all your mother! It's her fault! If not for her, everything would have been different. Naturally, mom is the closest person, and she undoubtedly influenced some events in your life. Often many people say that it is not constructive to blame someone for all their problems, and then complain and still remain in a childish position. Yes, this is true, but it is important to understand that there is such a period in therapy (for everyone it takes a different time - on average, from six months to a year, if a person is undergoing a serious course of therapy), when a person can internally be offended and angry with his mother, accusing her. Here you need to understand - now that you have matured, your mother is completely different from the one that was in childhood, and your roles are different.

What does this mean? In childhood, a child is dependent on his mother, he cannot tell her something in return, disagree with something, openly get angry with her. In different families, upbringing is different, but often children still limit themselves and cannot go against their mother, speak out directly. In adulthood, we are independent of our mother and can express our opinion. One more point - different mothers (20 years old and 50 years old are completely different people in terms of energy, experience, wisdom; a person in adulthood looks at life more deeply, analyzes situations, and the relationship will be different). That is why it is important to separate - your grievances, anger and accusations are directed towards “that” mother. If these feelings are correctly “experienced” in therapy, then they will be lived through by the inner child (a five-year-old child experiences resentment and anger, who has been offended, accused of something unfairly). The person tried to experience all the experienced sensations in childhood, but he did not have enough resources, so the feelings were repressed ("Nothing happened to me!"). However, a difficult state of mind remained, it takes away part of the psyche, does not allow normal development further. Which exit? To live the situation as a small child, and the "adult part" to continue to communicate with the mother as before, using her resource in the present - support, understanding, experience, good advice, etc.

Sooner or later, in this way, in your mind, your little child will have his own adult who will be able to console. Quite often, all children's grievances and anger at parents are based on the fact that they did not spare us. If you feel this regret, sympathy, involvement with emotions, first through the therapist, and then through the imagination, imagining that mom and dad gave this sympathy and involvement, in the adult position there will be interaction with the inner child (there will be consolation, acceptance, patience, sympathy).

When a child breaks his knee, it does not hurt him as physically as it is emotionally difficult and upsetting from the fact that his mother did not notice, did not console, did not take care and did not kiss on the cheek. This refinement of emotionality in life (which was not enough or was excessive) occurs, relatively speaking, in parallel with adult life. It is not necessary to tell everything to your mom today (“You hit me on the butt instead of kissing me! It hurt!”), It makes no sense. Sometimes I want to do this, because the need remains and I want to get confirmation that my mother loved me then, but there are many other ways to understand this. After a period of resentment, anger and accusations in therapy, the next stage comes - acceptance and gratitude, when you can see not only what your mother did wrong, but also how positively she influenced your life (you have many resources, merits, positive character traits, etc.). People often forget to see the good and only notice the negative. A rather simple statement about the difference between a child and an adult is appropriate here. The child sees only what the parents did not give him, and the adult, on the contrary, sees what the parents were able to give. Accordingly, in the first case, accusations prevail, and in the second, gratitude.

So, if you want to rise to an adult position, you need to give your inner child attention, sympathize with him, experience all feelings with him, be imbued with compassion, otherwise he will not let you rejoice and thank your parents for what happened.

The human psyche is multifaceted and complex - at first all emotions are put into us, and only then we can give something in response. There is no other way - how much you invest in yourself, you will receive the same amount of gratitude in return, and it is absolutely not necessary to spoil relations with real parents now.