2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
Infantile is not a scientific term at all. Once upon a time, one of my friends said as a joke about one of her boyfriends: "Should I take this Infantelenochka for education? And educate for herself." So this word has taken root since then in our company.
Where do Infantels come from?
In childhood, they are very loved, surrounded by care and attention. They are so surrounded that they simply have nowhere to grow
Then they are passed from hand to hand - to husbands-daddies or wives-mothers. Bosses at work, salespeople on the streets, and politicians on TV.
They are good performers. They don't want to decide anything. They want handles.
They are convenient in many ways, but one day it suddenly turns out that these cute creatures are still manipulators.
Of course, in most cases, they themselves do not understand that they are manipulating others. They just do not know how to communicate in another way. In psychology, this is called a "neurotic game" - when a person acts according to the same scenario, stepping on the same rake. The people in this game can change, but the scenario remains the same. The scenario itself is not clear and not comprehensible - only another blow to the forehead with a rake is realized: "Again? For what ?!"
What do babies like to play? Here are some of their favorite games
Game number 1 "Little Red Riding Hood"
Classic
The Infantile, of course, takes on the role of the victim. The other two - can be distributed in very different ways, but usually go to those who are closest to everyone - relatives.
For example, a young lady constantly gets into trouble: now hooligans stick to her on the street, then the boss at work does not give any life, then the plumber swears obscenities. It's good that at the most critical moment her husband appears and saves her. Most likely, they got to know each other - he saved her from someone (or from something). So it will continue … until he suddenly turns into the status of an aggressor, tired of such a fun life with a young lady - a magnet for trouble.
Another option - the constant role of the aggressor is played by the "evil and cruel father", from whom the husband constantly saves …
A more sophisticated version - the girl herself plays both the victim and the rescuer.
You see, I'm not Orlandina.
Yes, I'm not Orlandina anymore.
You know, I'm not Orlandina at all.
I am Lucifer!
See, now you are in my paws, Do you hear the awful sulfur smell?
And the roar of the fire?"
(The hero of Alexei Khvostenko's song "Orlandina" walks around the city at night and meets a crying girl, in whom he recognizes his old and apparently quite close acquaintance Orlandina and even remembers that he offended her with something. She lures him with sweet promises "come back - I I will forgive everything ", but as soon as he tries to embrace her, he turns into Lucifer. The walk was his last).
A woman lives with the aggressor for some time, patiently enduring all his bullying. Finally, her cup of patience is overflowing and she sues him, cold-bloodedly collecting all the confirmation and evidence of his long-term tyranny, or hires bandits so that they "dealt" with him, or … picks up an ax and deals with it herself, sometimes it happens …
Why did she endure for so many years? Why didn't she say firm
Red Riding Hoods and males meet - here the roles are usually divided between the wife and the mistress. For example: a bitch wife (aggressor) who constantly nags and humiliates, on the other pole there is a kind and understanding mistress, an infant girl goes to her to cry in a vest. Usually, young virgins fall into this role, naively believing that the beloved she saved will very soon leave his monster wife and they will live a happy family life. But as a result, for some reason he leaves not his wife, but her, because at the first signs of exactingness and impatience, she herself turns into an aggressor for him, and this role in his game is already taken.
Another option - a bitch mistress (she is much younger, richer, more successful (emphasize the necessary) - condescends to the infant woman from time to time, tyrannizing him with her ridicule and unflattering comparisons with cooler men. A patient wife awaits him at home, she resignedly endures his adventures and even comforts him after breaking up with another aggressor, cherishing the hope that this case is definitely the last.
Game number 2. "Capricious Princess"
She is sweet, modest and charming. Knows how to make a good impression. Unlike
What's the catch? Only in the fact that her desires are fundamentally impracticable. She cannot clearly formulate them, so the partner has to constantly guess what she wants.
For example, the Princess says:
- Let's go to rest at the sea!
- Good. Somewhere in Europe?
- Let's!
- Maybe Goa?
- Oh, how great!
- Or Bali?
- Exactly, they say it's just heaven!
- So where do you want to go?
- I don't care, the main thing is that I like it.
What a nice, flexible girl! - the man thinks. And of course, he decides for himself where they will go to rest. But then surprises begin: Her Highness is snorting all the time, being capricious and pouting resentfully. She doesn't like anything - from the plane to breakfast at the hotel. It turns out that the man is to blame. She let him decide everything himself, with only one condition - that she liked it. And she didn't like it.
This is repeated over and over again until the man learns to stop the flow of whims with an angry gaze, a categorical refusal, or even a fist on the table. The princess quickly learns to understand at what point it is worth stopping whims and rejoicing at what she has already managed to get.
In the male version, the "capricious prince" usually "comes off" on the wife, which looks a lot like a mother. Sometimes he does not work, but he may also occupy some modest position in an inconspicuous office. In any case, constant complaints will be expressed to his wife: the dinner is not tasty, the new curtains are of the wrong color, the socks are always out of place. These are not screams or threats, as is the case with the aggressor, but the capricious grumbling of an offended child. The wife constantly suffers from feelings of guilt and is upset that she cannot please the little girl. So she will suffer until she learns from time to time to turn into an "evil mother", capable of angrily banging on the table, if not with her fist, then with a ladle.
"Princes" and "Princesses" grow up in families where children are well taken care of, but not interested in their own opinion. While the child is very young, dad and mom really "know better" and they need to be obeyed. But gradually the child acquires the ability to independently listen to his desires, understand them, compare with reality, take responsibility for the consequences … But this requires the help of the parents: ask the child what he wants, help figure it out. This takes time, effort and a lot of patience. It is much easier to continue to decide everything for yourself, requiring only obedience and gratitude from the child.
Game number 3 "Doublebind" - double binding
It is to this type of games that my mother's well-known directive applies:
Or: "Stay there - come here"
Conflicting attitudes may not be pronounced at the same time, but refer to the same situation. In this case, the opponent is cornered by two conflicting instructions (or attitudes).
- Why do not you call me? - Stop calling me all the time!
“You don’t help me at all in the kitchen! - Don't you dare touch the dishes, the stove and the kitchen cambine!
- When will you learn to drive? - Women must not be allowed to drive!
- Why don't you tell me about your work? - Don't burden me with your work stories!
Sound familiar?
This can relate to absolutely any topic. The main thing is that whatever you do, you will still find yourself guilty. The baby girl will be angry, offended, complaining of inattention and misunderstanding. He himself suffers from this and does not understand what is happening. In the end, the partner either moves away to a safe distance, shrugging his shoulders in surprise, or gets an inferiority complex, more and more involved in this game.
It's time to show your cards
What makes Little Red Riding Hood to seek adventure on her head? Why can never a princess please? Where do conflicting desires come from? All this spoils life, first of all, to Infantelenka himself, not to mention his entourage
The trouble is that Infantelenok really doesn't know what he wants. He is not in touch with his feelings and desires. He was not taught this. But they taught me well to fulfill other people's desires, to be obedient and good. But a person will not do anything just like that. For their obedience and goodness, Infantelenki expects … happiness! But he expects it not from himself, but from others. He himself does not know the way to him and does not know how to find it.
- Petechka, go home!
- Mom, am I cold?
- No, you're hungry.
So a person gets used to turning to another, more authoritative partner to understand his own desires, states, expectations from life. So he remains a child (on a psychological level) all his life. He gives up growing up in exchange for safety, security and irresponsibility.
There are widespread illusions: "Marry - grow up", "Marry - settle down."
You'd better forget about it right away.
Growing up involves going through initiation - a special experience associated with living through ordeals. The boy's way of growing up is described in numerous tales about battles with dragons, Kashchei and other monsters. The girl's way of growing up is a meeting with a witch in a deep forest (for example, in the fairy tale "Vasilisa the Wise"), communication with forest spirits or other creatures of the other world. The point here is that in order to grow up it is necessary to accept the challenge, to meet face to face with Death itself, in order to gain the right to be an adult. The boy proves that he is strong and courageous enough, the girl - that she is able to hear the voice of her intuition and her heart.
Only after this does a person receive the right to start a family. Not the other way around.
The initiation of the boy is the task of the male community, the initiation of the girl is the task of the female.
So give up hopes "to take Infantelenochka for education and educate him for yourself." You will be drawn into her / her neurotic games for a long time. However, if such thoughts occur to you, most likely your initiation is still ahead.
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