Balance "want" And "need"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Where is the golden mean that balances my "want" and "need"?

I myself have been asking myself this question for a long time.

Help came in the form of Eric Berne's theory of transactional analysis. Transactional analysis is based on the theory that a person's personality has three distinct aspects - Parent, Adult, Child (Child). These aspects of personality are called ego states. "Child" - a set of behavior, thoughts and feelings formed in childhood. He is spontaneous in desires, actions, wants everything at once. He is the translator of our desires. The "parent" is critical and strict. He requires following his instructions, obedience, adherence to strict norms and rules. From this state, we set tasks, make decisions. He is the translator of our obligations. The "Adult" acts as an arbiter between Parent and Child. Analyzing the information, the Adult decides which behavior is most appropriate for the given circumstances, which stereotypes it is desirable to abandon, and which it is desirable to include. The bias towards "must" deprives us of energy. We are likened to robots programmed for results. Life is eventful, but there are no bright colors, pleasure, relaxation in it. The bias towards "want" makes us impulsive infantile personalities who find it difficult to achieve goals and plans. To hammer the children's part under the plinth is a dangerous undertaking. If a child rebelles, our productivity drops. For a while, we can whip up ourselves with demands or reminders of a future distant goal, but at the moment we experience burnout, a depressed mood. The Inner Child state is the foundation of our self-esteem. If we send ourselves, our desires under the plinth, then, most likely, we will not even notice how others send us and our desires there. Sadly, this is our norm. A parent can save money, plan, give up momentary wants, and that's great. Constantly indulging your wishlist is infantilism, frivolity. Living in one day is a beautiful phrase, but in reality it is about lack of security, uncertainty about your future, shifting responsibility for your life onto other people. In other words, we need to learn to negotiate with ourselves, taking into account the needs of each ego state. The parent promises the child that in the near future he will somehow please the child. Then he fulfills the promise. The inner child is calm if he knows that his needs will not be forgotten for a long time. He will not lead to a logical story about some incomprehensible, distant mortgage. The inner parent will be calm if he knows that a certain part of the income has gone to savings, that thanks to this, the goal will soon be achieved. He is calm when he knows that he can pay the bills, provide the necessary level of security. I myself am good at squeezing costs for the sake of business and big tasks. It brings me results in the form of savings, so I really respect and love my Inner Parent. You can rely on him. But there is also my Inner Child who does not understand why pleasure and joy should be postponed until later. Give him now. His presence gives me energy, interest, lightness, growth of claims to this world. On his energy, I manage to achieve my goal faster and easier than if I relied only on the adult part. I also really respect and love this part. And my Inner Adult reconciles these two parts. I can save, as they say, on matches, work without rest for a long time, if I know that after some time my inner child will swim the sea, dance in a disco, fly on an airplane. How do I know? It's just that we all together (Parent, Child, Adult) agreed on this