2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Not having time to feel that you are a “child”, you are given the feeling that you are ALREADY an “adult”. And it doesn't matter that you are 6 months old, you no longer have the right to cry, be capricious, give a signal with a shout that you are hungry, you are cold, hot, you want to drink or have relieved your need. You MUST be an adult. From the first minute of your breath of air. You still do not know how to speak, but you are already responsible for the state, well-being, peace, problems, conflicts, etc. your parents.
People who, having made the decision to give life to a person, an individual person, who have not become mature by that time themselves and therefore cannot recognize the fact that you may have a state called "childhood."
You start to grow very quickly: too early, in accordance with the biological process, you start to walk (sometimes without even suspecting that there is a crawling period), speak, do not ask for anything, because these are additional problems, and, in principle, you are not right. you have to express your needs, they do not interest anyone. After all, there are only two of the most important people on Earth - your parents, only their needs, fears, states, desires, etc. matter.
You start to get sick without any obvious signs: otitis media, bronchitis, lack of appetite (for which they beat you, because “children must eat in order to grow up”, it doesn't matter if you want to eat, whether you want to eat exactly) this is important - you MUST eat!). You are an inanimate object in the hands of people who do not have a life of their own, who socially believe that they should give life to someone else, but have no idea what to do with it.
The decision to have a baby is shrouded in the acceptance of responsibilities: to provide shelter, food, clothing, development. But these responsibilities are presented as a value for the child: you must listen, because we did not send you to an orphanage; you must because your parents are not alcoholics; you must, because we dress you; you must, because you live in our house …
You grow up with absolute knowledge that you have to, but you have no idea about your rights, about your boundaries … A puppet in the hands of immature individuals, socially dependent.
You acquire the most powerful defense mechanisms in order to survive. The main one, the most “necessary” one, is intellectualization.
You study a lot, read a lot, take on everything that comes across to you, just to prove that you deserve to be loved just like that …
You get degrees, you get several higher educations, you start working very early in order to have your own money, you leave early for a rented apartment and the only purpose of life is money. Much money. To give them what you seem to owe. Maybe then they can love you.
You squander youth to prove that you can be loved if you match. Not to be, not to feel, not to go your own way, but to correspond …
And, for some reason, years later, you suddenly realize (intellect allows, wow!) That you are unhappy. You have everything. What is it all about?
There are cool achievements in education, a car, a prestigious job, big wages, many friends (all over the world! After all, this is the only thing that you could gain by filling the human emptiness of communication and closeness with your parents), but … You are not happy.
And you only understand this when you see the main gap - your personal life does not work out. You're lonely. You do not know what a family is, how to build close relationships, how to give yourself the right to be, in order to give this right to another. All you do is unconsciously seek fusion. You do not yet know that this is compensation … You still do not understand why children are so annoying, you hate them and say that you will never marry / never marry, you will not have children … You do not know why. Sure! How can you painlessly observe someone's childhood when you did not have your own, you do not know what it is (you were not given the right to have it and you will not give it!); how do you want to build a family if you feel that there is no place in the family for a child or there is no place for separate individuals … Everything is confusing, everything is unconscious. You work hard and are hyper active.
You think and do to! - DO NOT FEEL!
There is nothing behind your feelings, except for pain, aggression and injustice.
And by the age of 30 you understand (thanks again to the brain processes!) That whatever you do, THEY (parents) will still not be happy.
You will marry / marry - the husband / wife will turn out to be not like that, you will give birth to a child - you will not bring up the same way, you buy an apartment - in the wrong place, you will start traveling - you spend a lot of money, it would be better to save it for a bigger apartment / car / dacha and etc.
Whatever you do, you are not pleasing.
You come to spiritual practices, go into solitude (for example, a monastery), look for answers from books, get carried away with esoteric currents and, as a result, come to psychotherapy. You think you have already helped yourself, and it is important to help someone else. All your life you have been trying to save everyone, not knowing that you want to save yourself.
Obsessive-compulsive neurotic type. You realize and you go. This is very painful. It's not just difficult - it hurts. After all, you have never felt anything, you do not know the name of feelings, and the most difficult question for you is “what do you feel?”! You can say that you feel bad, you can say that you have a mountain, a stone inside you; you can, after a day or two, your ripen to some kind of feeling, not knowing what it is, and finally see how your head lies next to you. Only then do you realize that you are not there. You are and there is your head. Together you do not exist, and separately you do not know how to survive. A lot of thoughts about suicide, a thirst for attention, a thirst for recognition, a thirst for the feeling that you are needed, important, worthy to be in this world. You are socially beautiful, physically strong, emotionally developed, but …
BUT! Basic in the context of obsessive-compulsive. You don't feel ANYTHING. Rather, you clearly feel something, but you do not know about it and cannot designate it. And you don't know how to cope with feelings.
Psychotherapy. This is the way. Very difficult, long and painful. Depression, addictive states (alcohol sometimes helps to turn off the head in order to feel!), Unknown outbursts of aggression (you do not even suspect that you are drowning out the pain), tantrums for those who love (transfers work every day, until the person is mature, you unconsciously arrange checks that anyone can love you). You resist, close yourself, die morally and emotionally and do not know how to live. Your body is crumbling, you will find out that you have organs that previously had no right to hurt, because you are a robot. Now everything hurts you! It seems that you are rotting …
Warm phrase of the therapist to your complaint: "You are coming to life!" - instills tremendous hope.
It turns out that someone cares! This is what you unconsciously searched for for many years of your life.
From this moment, the path to yourself begins …
Who are you, what are you made of, what did you defend yourself with, why you acted the way you do, what you want and why, and much more.
If you give yourself time, you are able to bring yourself into harmony. Yes, you will not change your type, but you will work through the poignant moments, bring yourself into a conscious state, learn to feel and experience, collect your parts and get to know yourself …
Separation will happen slowly (on average 2 years), after which you will begin to see reality. You will be able to withstand the "blows" that earlier, if the defense mechanisms of action and thinking were not activated, would lead you to complete stratification.
In time, you will find yourself. You will learn to be alone and enjoy it, you will find your boundaries and give the right to others to live their own lives, you will find out what you really want (not pleasing or proving, but in order to be harmonious yourself) …
The path is not easy. To each he is his own. It is important for the obsessive-compulsive type to pronounce everything, because all feelings and states have been transformed into words from the very first days. And to say everything, relax the moment of control (after all, without control - there was a danger in childhood!) And only then study your feelings - time is IMPORTANT.
Some are ready to spend 2-5 years in such excavations, but know that then they will live in harmony with themselves.
Change is possible, the main thing is to know exactly what you need it for.
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