How Do Codependents Live?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

Codependency is a reflection and semblance of addiction.

An addicted person painfully depends on his “object of adoration”, psychoactive substances, games … And a codependent person emotionally depends on him, the state of intensity of his dependence.

What is characteristic of a codependent personality?

Loss of your “I”, total control over the life of another person (dependent), there is no “I”, there is “we” - complete merging, the individuality of each in such a union is practically erased.

The possibility of the emergence of new personal impressions in life is lost, the loss of the ability to simply enjoy the present day … The salvation of the addict is a super task for the codependent person. Everything obeys this mission of his.

The presence of an almost constant internal anxiety. Life in anticipation of the next "breakdown" of the addict. There is a lot of tension, fear, mental pain and anxiety.

Tireless anticipation of the coming "trouble" associated with the behavior and state of the addict.

The inability to enjoy the ordinary and natural moments of life, even if everything is relatively calm. There is no inner rest and relaxation. Always on alert - to prevent another binge of her husband, relative …

Unconscious desire to live the life of another person (loved one). Much effort and energy is spent on re-education of the addict and weaning him from the "subject" of addiction.

Codependents have difficulties in building their goals, realizing their own personal plans.

Personal boundaries are blurred, there is no clear understanding of "where is mine and where is yours" … Because of the desire of the codependent to "absorb" the addict and be filled with him, to fill his inner emptiness.

The desire to take full responsibility for what is happening on oneself, or vice versa - blame the addict for everything. There is no understanding that everyone has their own share of responsibility in a relationship.

Black and white in relationships. A colorful palette of sensory perceptions is missing. Feelings are deeply frozen and repressed. They don't talk about them, they hide them.

The codependent has little of its own internal forces for changes in life, because his life position is not stable.

At its core, both dependent and codependent (in particular from alcoholism) people have childhood mental trauma of early development.

Codependents amuse themselves with ideas that in a relationship with an addict they are loved, important, needed, in need … This is how an endless "circle" of salvation is formed.

Full focus on the dependent partner. The desire to make him better and easier in life. "Closing eyes" to their personal needs, desires, interests.

Since childhood, it was often not allowed in the family to "reveal the soul", to show their feelings and emotions. Perhaps in the parental family the cold, mistrust "reigned" …

Love presupposes acceptance of a person as he is as a whole. The codependent is incapable of such acceptance …

The codependent has a tendency and desire to correct, change the addict by force, against his will. And this, of course, is an almost impossible task. The illusion of being needed and being superimportant in this process.

In a relationship, the codependent exhibits a lot of power and overcontrol. This helps him to maintain ghostly stability with the addict. And it is then that the addict is infantilized, the psychological "transformation" of him into a small, ignorant child, unable to make decisions and bear responsibility for his actions. It is so convenient, first of all, for the codependent himself, he so asserts himself.

And this, more often than not, is a familiar and unconscious, at times, scenario of child-parent relationships. Perhaps this was the case in the parents' family.

Codependents have a deep inner fear of loneliness (due to the loss of basic security and trust in childhood). Such a person experiences emotional "hunger" and a constant lack of love, although at the same time he unconsciously believes that he is not worthy of love and is looking for confirmation of his "goodness" from the outside …

Low self-esteem of codependents gives rise to dependence on external assessments, fear of criticism (due to the unstable image of "I"), weak self-confidence, their strengths and capabilities.

The fullness of life is felt mainly through sacrifice, a special "mission" of salvation. It is then that the codependent's own significance rises and at least some kind of inner stability and confidence appears. There is an unconscious idea that by “saving” another one can save oneself …

An intrapersonal conflict in a codependent is almost always present. The parts of the torn “I” cannot in any way “agree” with each other … Therefore, he is often in internal confusion, worries, doubts.

A real improvement in the addict's condition leads to an increase in even greater anxiety in the codependent. For example, a husband who is addicted to alcohol stops drinking alcohol and gets out of the state of dependence on this substance. Then the codependent wife has fear and the threat of losing a significant object, rejection, feeling of uselessness, inner loneliness, fear of the real world, relationships, closeness with other people … And provocations unconsciously occur - encouraging the husband to drink again. And, accordingly, he became dependent again, which means that he was closely dependent on his wife. In such a relationship, there is always a lot of mental stress, which is removed with alcohol, "anesthetizing" the intolerance of internal psychologically difficult states in partners.

When a codependent has an addict, then he has a psychological chance to "survive" in this world. To be needed, valuable, meaningful. When he loses it, he loses his inner support and familiar landmarks in life.

And the codependent is very afraid of everything new, unconsciously fearing changes and changes, although at a conscious level and" title="Image" />

An intrapersonal conflict in a codependent is almost always present. The parts of the torn “I” cannot in any way “agree” with each other … Therefore, he is often in internal confusion, worries, doubts.

A real improvement in the addict's condition leads to an increase in even greater anxiety in the codependent. For example, a husband who is addicted to alcohol stops drinking alcohol and gets out of the state of dependence on this substance. Then the codependent wife has fear and the threat of losing a significant object, rejection, feeling of uselessness, inner loneliness, fear of the real world, relationships, closeness with other people … And provocations unconsciously occur - encouraging the husband to drink again. And, accordingly, he became dependent again, which means that he was closely dependent on his wife. In such a relationship, there is always a lot of mental stress, which is removed with alcohol, "anesthetizing" the intolerance of internal psychologically difficult states in partners.

When a codependent has an addict, then he has a psychological chance to "survive" in this world. To be needed, valuable, meaningful. When he loses it, he loses his inner support and familiar landmarks in life.

And the codependent is very afraid of everything new, unconsciously fearing changes and changes, although at a conscious level and

In codependency, concern for the partner (addict) is expressed by its pathological nature, heightened feelings, affectivity, exacerbation of the emotional state, nervousness, depressive mood background.

Sometimes leaving for a functional role, enhanced service of household issues of the family - give the codependent some stability and support.

Often codependents are children from dysfunctional families in which there were acute insoluble problems … Such a child early faced his own powerlessness to change anything, improve the situation in the family, somehow constructively influence it. However, growing into an adult, he continues to make even greater efforts to prevent this from happening in his adult life. Trying to be strong and powerful, controlling everything and dominating everything in the family. But, in fact, this is an illusion, of course.

From childhood, a codependent person was taught that he was insignificant, they did not listen to his feelings, emotions, preferences. They approached him functionally, at best (to wash, put on, put on shoes), as to “things”. The emotional inner world of his significant adults (parents) was closed to him. They lived in their own world, separate from him. They had their own "fairy tales", joys, interests …

And the child often felt unnecessary in this world. "Abandoned" … And this children's emotional "wound", like a psychological trauma, is transferred to his further adult life.

As long as a codependent person is intensely involved in the problems of his partner - an addict, he does not deal with his own problems, his unique life. He has a substitution of love - to serve, to be needed by at least someone …

The codependent person does not feel himself as a separate person from the dependent person. He feels belonging to a dependent, feeling stronger, more stable, more confident, more sober, more mature next to him, his self-esteem rises.

The dependent partner, as it were, balances psychologically and supplements the codependent with the qualities he needs. Making his life more fulfilling, saturated, busy with "rescue" affairs.

The codependent in such a relationship looks like a hero in his own eyes, and the addict looks like nothing … Often in such relationships there is little respect and trust for each other.

But there is an opportunity to regularly increase their importance, which is necessary for the codependent, "like air." The opposite of this state is the tension created, when there is just not enough air, there is no freedom at all and the relationship "suffocates" from the affective "peak".

In the addict-codependent bond, an unhealthy complementary system is often formed, where each complements the other …

For codependents, in order to get rid of the "fetters" of their addiction, it is important to realize their true needs and motives in life.

Indicate your personal interests, “What do I want?”, Listen to your desires. And the main thing is to implement them, to do something useful for yourself.

See - is it real in alliance with a dependent person ("companion" of life) in general? Is he ready to change and make real attempts at change to get rid of addiction radically.

To share responsibility for what is happening in the union … Everyone makes their own constructive contribution to relations and their development.

Mark the boundaries of the unacceptable in the relationship and keep them.

Restore your self-esteem, take into account exactly your needs in the relationship.

Organize support for yourself, take care of yourself.

To understand that the “lessons of life” in a relationship with an addicted person is an invaluable experience that can help in something and be used in the future.

And yet, each newly created relationship between people is very individual and only their preservation and development depends only on them, or their complete cessation and release …