2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“I am you, you are me,
and we don't need anyone …"
Codependent Is a person who pathologically needs another person. This is the same addict, with the only difference that if the addict needs a substance (alcohol, drug), then the codependent needs another person, in a relationship with him. That is, a codependent is a person who is addicted to relationships.
Addiction is very easy to confuse with attachment, as the line between the two is very thin. Attachment - a vital need for human survival (mental and physical). This thesis in psychology has long become an axiom. This human (and not only) need has been quite deeply investigated in the works of John Bowlby and his followers (see, for example, "The creation and destruction of emotional ties"). In the case of addiction, attachment becomes excessive, obsessive, pathological, and the object of attachment begins to perform a meaning-forming function, life without it seems impossible for the addict.
Entering into a relationship, people with a codependent personality structure create connections that are specific in their characteristics - dependent. Most often, the criteria for diagnosing dependent relationships are the following: excessive absorption in the life of another person, “sticking” behavior aimed at maintaining partner loyalty at any cost, loss of freedom in relationships … Clinical signs of codependent behavior are: compulsiveness, automaticity, unconsciousness.
Addiction is formed in response to frustration with rejection or its threat at a time when the child still does not have enough of his own resources for independence and the possibility of a break with a significant adult poses a vital threat to the child, creates a situation of mental trauma for him - the trauma of rejection. In the future, the child develops and consolidates such forms of behavior that help him to avoid the horror, anger, fear that he experienced at the time of the trauma of rejection. Dependent behavior acts as a defense that allows you to turn a passive emotional experience of a traumatic situation (associatively reminiscent of childhood traumatic experience) into active action, which eliminates the feelings of helplessness, anger, despair, restoring a sense of control over oneself and the world.
A superficial acquaintance with codependent people gives the impression that they are not characterized by aggression. In fact, this is not the case. Codependents find it difficult to be aware of their aggression and show it in a direct way. At the same time, they are masters of indirect, hidden, veiled ways of its manifestation, which creates a rich space for various kinds of manipulations in their contact with other people.
What are the reasons for the choice of hidden, indirect forms of aggression by codependents?
There is only one reason - the fear of being rejected and being alone in the event of a direct presentation. The version of the absence of aggression in codependents as a feeling is not considered, unless the codependent is a person, and not an angel, although many of them try to seem like them. For codependent people, selective alexithymia is characteristic - unawareness and rejection of not all, as in the case of complete alexithymia, but only rejected aspects of their I - feelings, desires, thoughts. Aggression automatically falls into this list, as it is negatively assessed by codependents. Part of the rejected internal aggression is unconsciously projected onto the outside world - it becomes aggressive, cruel, scary, unpredictable in the perception of codependent people, which enhances the tendency to merge with a partner. Another part of it manifests itself in relationships in a hidden, veiled (most often under love, care) form.
The aggression of codependents, often unaware and not openly presented by them, is hidden under different masks and manifests itself mainly in a manipulative manner. Codependents are great masters of violating other people's boundaries, which in itself is already an aggressive action. They do it in a completely innocent way, even managing to cause others to feel guilt and betrayal.
I will describe the most typical forms of manifestation of aggression in codependent individuals.
"I'm just worried about you …"
The other person, the partner of the codependent becomes the object of his total control. He must be constantly in the focus of his attention. Control most often manifests itself in the following forms: constant inquiries (Where? With whom? When? How much? Etc.), calls (with the same questions). If the other becomes for some reason unattainable (for example, does not pick up the phone), the codependent can continue to call indefinitely. Often, control over another person is disguised as caring for him (“I just care about you,” “I’m worried about you”). In fact, by controlling the other person, the codependent takes care of himself. Behind such "care" about another person, the codependent has a fear of losing him and being alone.
"I know how it should be …"
This is a rather sophisticated way of showing aggression among codependents. It manifests itself in the form of imposing his beliefs, his worldview on another person. In this case, it is not easy to draw the line between "impose" and "share." and that it will be better for him (another). In this case, the codependent aggressively imposes on the other person his values, his picture of the world. Imposing your own picture of the world is akin to preaching. The preacher does not just share his worldview, he is fanatically convinced of the truth and value of its content and imposes it aggressively and categorically enough. Imposing his own picture of the world is an aggressive way of a codependent to control another, a gross violation of his psychological boundaries, again disguised as a desire to "give the other good."
"I know better what you need …"
The codependent firmly believes that he or she knows best what the other person needs. This attitude is also a rather sophisticated way of violating other people's boundaries under the pretext of making him better - to give another "good and to cause affection." And in this case, aggression is manifested not directly, not in contact, but indirectly, manipulatively (violation of boundaries is veiled under the pretext of “good” for a partner). At the same time, the desire of the codependent to help his partner is really sincere. The only problem is that the codependent perceives his partner as a part of himself, "forgetting" at the same time that the other is different, and that he may have his own, different desires.
"If you love me, then you should not have secrets from me."
Codependents create symbiotic relationships by trying to live "one life for two." As individuals, borderline in their psychological structure, they try to create relationships with their partners without boundaries. More precisely, without internal borders, between oneself and a partner, but at the same time with rather rigid external borders - with the outside world. The "blue" dream of a relationship-dependent person is an uninhabited island where "there is only me and you." Other people, therefore, pose a threat to such relationships, are unsafe, as they can potentially disrupt such an idyll. The emergence of a secret, a secret, is intolerable for a codependent, since this fact triggers hard-to-bear experiences of rejection, uselessness, abandonment, betrayal - external boundaries are violated and the situation gets out of control. Hence such a fear among codependent people of any uncontrollable manifestations in partners.
The very word "partner" seems to us incorrect to describe codependent relationships. Partnership relations are built on the principles of mutual respect for each other, acceptance of the other as “other”, recognition of the value of his “otherness”. In a codependent relationship, the other person is accepted only when he fully corresponds to the image of the codependent.
It is no coincidence that the partner of the codependent turns out to be and remains in this kind of pathological relationship. He falls into his trap - the trap of the need to be perfect, to fit the image of someone. And the person dependent on relationships in this case is a secondary object. The primary object, the true author of this image, is significant others - most often parents. The codependent only maintains this image. Remaining in the captivity of his ideal image and, as a result, in the captivity of the codependent relationship, the partner of the codependent experiences a complex cocktail of conflicting feelings, the leading of which are anger and guilt. Anger, aggression, due to the manipulativeness of the codependent, cannot directly manifest itself in his partner (how can you be angry with a person who loves you and wishes you well?) And is often a retained feeling, and in some cases even unconscious. Held aggression retroflexively destroys the codependent's partner, which often leads to the development of psychosomatics, alcoholism and other forms of self-destructive behavior.
The chance to break out of the codependent relationship appears only when the partner of the codependent "stumbles" and thereby destroys the ideal image of himself as a partner of the codependent. This infuriates the codependent, allowing him to openly and targeted to show aggression, thereby legitimizing these feelings in his partner. For the partner of the codependent, as mentioned above, this is a chance to break out of the codependent relationship, although not everything is so simple here … He will face powerful manipulative attacks of the codependent in an effort to keep him in the codependent relationship. He will have to "break through" complex manipulative networks, skillfully created by codependents, resist feelings of guilt, duty and responsibility for another, steadfastly endure a feeling of betrayal, abandon the ideal image of himself, experience and accept his imperfection … But that's another story for another article …
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