2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If your life does not have enough good and satisfying sex, then you can try to understand what is missing. Good sex has physiological and psychological aspects.
At some moments, only the physiological aspect is enough to satisfy. Perhaps at the beginning of a relationship in a couple or at the peak of youthful hypersexuality, sexual contact, which was not discussed in any way either before or after, but simply was - very good and satisfies both partners. But then that sexual contact becomes more satisfying, where there is communication between partners. "I like this … and so …" "I want you so … and then more so …". Joint planning and fantasizing heats up sexual desire, the search for pleasant sensations and fantasies about this search increases sexual arousal, which can lead to high-quality sexual contact that satisfies partners.
Knowing your body, what is pleasant / unpleasant, and the ability to tell another person about it improves the quality of sexual relations. This is a good picture when a person knows himself (his sensitive, erogenous zones), knows how to “cook” himself and can tell another person about it. And he is ready to hear in response the sexual desires of another person, to meet them and freely choose: to meet the desires of another person or to refuse.
Unfortunately, such a good picture does not always work out. Problems in "sexual communication" are often encountered, and then good sex does not happen between partners.
There are a number of important points that you can use to customize your sex life. You can explore yourself on these "points", and then contact another person and his / her "points".
I will list these points:
First, these are questions of sexual terminology: how to talk about what, what to call what. Few people are taught to talk about their sexual, erotic, genital corporeality. And as a result, it is difficult to say without shame about your erogenous zones, especially in the genital area, about your sexual arousal and about your sexual desire.
You can talk about your genitals in the context of medical issues, this seems to be accepted, although it is also a shame.
But what about talking about genitals, about your sexual anatomy in the context of sexual relations and sexual pleasure? That is, not for business, but for yourself and for mutual pleasure? How to ask your partner / partner to do something in a certain way?
You need to learn to speak, master the right words. You can start with medical and medical vocabulary. For example, the words: vagina, vulva, labia, clitoris, penis, glans, scrotum are quite clear, respectful and neutral in color. They are quite used at the doctor's office, why not be used in everyday sexual vocabulary? Try to use them and watch your feelings: how do you name your body parts, what emotions do you experience, do you like it? If you don't like it, you can go over the words and look for what you like.
Secondly, knowledge of their bodily sensitivity, what is pleasant, what increases arousal and leads to orgasm. To have good sex, you have to talk about it. But! Before contacting a partner / partner with something (for example, "do me … somehow and with such and such movements"), it would be good to know yourself / yourself what you like, what stimulation and what zones. They are all different, you cannot find out from the textbook. Of course, humans have anatomical and physiological similarities, so reading quality books and articles on sexology is beneficial. But your personal setting remains on your conscience. You need to study your body - that is, masturbate. And this is not so easy for everyone, because in childhood there could be a ban on masturbation. And in adulthood, this prohibition can "backfire", leaving the feeling that the study of your body is dirty, forbidden and shameful.
But here you can breathe out, you are an adult, the door of your bedroom can be closed from strangers and you are already free to do what you want, what your sexual needs lead you to. The very pleasure rewarded for exploring your body, your erogenous zones and your arousal can be a good cure for shame.
Toxic shame, completely overwhelming shame, can be difficult to overcome, but it's not for nothing that there are psychotherapists in this world. If the shame persists, you can always ask for help.
Third, it is important to know and understand your sexual desires. All people are different and sexual preferences are also different. There are more accepted ones in society. And they are more commonly found in culture as the preferred model. But it doesn't suit everyone, not everyone likes it and doesn't excite everyone, in the end. It is important to hear your own sexual arousal, to understand exactly what your sexual desire is responding to. Sexual impulses can be recognized and understood through two processes: bodily reactions, sensations of sexual arousal in the body (especially in the genital area) and sexual fantasies and images that arise in consciousness. The bodily and fantasy processes can go on simultaneously, they can separately. If they go at the same time, then, perhaps, there will be a stronger sexual arousal.
These processes, bodily and fantasy, it is important to learn to hear and put into words. So they will become available for communication, it will be easier to embody them solo or with another person. Almost all people have both bodily arousal and fantasies; they are not at all available only in case of illness - depression. If there is depression, then it should be treated by a psychiatrist.
How to catch these processes? You need to listen to yourself, pay attention to the sensations in the body, how what is happening there. The bodily impulse may be weak at first. It is important just to give it a place, not to throw it away and not force excitement, not to devalue it, but simply to listen to it. Likewise with fantasies. When sexual images arise in your consciousness, take a closer look at them, at how they develop, do not drive them away with thoughts of your perversion or depravity. Fantasy and sexual thoughts are not something that speaks of perversity or badness, because fantasy is not equal to the embodiment of fantasy.
If in your head a shameful voice starts to start its own record, then start to shut it up. Practice doing this. Since this voice “starts up” in your head, then it is in your power to persistently ask him to shut up.
Fourth, it is important to know your physical and mental boundaries. What is unpleasant, what is not pleasant, what you think is unsuitable for various reasons. That is, that which cannot be divided. Or simply - what you don’t want to do, maybe you don’t want to do it now, maybe at all. If you do something that does not suit you, then it will be either self-violence or just violence. It is important to know, understand and talk about your boundaries. Being in a situation of violence and border violation certainly does not add sexual joy, but rather traumatizes or re-traumatizes. It is important to understand what is not suitable for you and in what situation and talk about it. It happens that because of the fear of rejection, people overstep themselves and do what they do not want to do. It turns out a very sad situation about self-violence and imitation of contact, it does not add to the joy of sexual life.
To summarize, communication is essential for good sex. And communication with oneself: to hear oneself, to be able to understand oneself. And communication with another person is the ability to clothe your impulses in an understandable form. That is, the process of bodily and emotional excitement is also important, as well as the skill of communicating about it and hearing what the other person is saying. The good news is that all these skills are being trained and then it becomes easier to recognize oneself and "communicate sexually".
