About Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The new generation of children is very different from their predecessors - from us. They are more aggressive, rebellious, moody, and less socialized. Parents also change: as their material well-being grows, they increasingly give up the desire to “fix their children” and more and more want to make them happy. We talked with Natalia Kedrova - a child psychotherapist, the largest representative of Russian gestalt psychology and a mother of five children

What do you think of Janusz Korczak's words: “There are no children. There are people"?

I would turn them over: there are no adults - there are people. Adults are people just like children. The most interesting, significant difference is that the child has a heightened sense of novelty, which in adults is slowly fading away. Mental arousal of an adult is well controlled by a goal, a task, a culturally established form. Adults explain their behavior rationally: “I wanted to make a discovery”, “I had to make money”. The child's excitement from meeting a new one immediately turns into action. An adult who acts spontaneously is said to be a spontaneous person or "infantile," that is, he behaves like a child. A truly adult is a person who acts thoughtfully, is responsible, can explain his behavior, controls it, and all his actions are subordinated to some reasonable goal from the point of view of society. This is the adult model. A child, as a rule, is defined by “not”: he cannot do that, he does not do that. What do you think about the words of Janusz Korczak: “There are no children. There are people"?

That is, it is impossible to combine the worlds "adult" and "child"?

Rather, it seems to me that there is an integration, an “integration of shame”. When an adult is told, “You behave like a child,” or “You show childish feelings,” they are ashamed, thus marking the border between child and adult. Anyone who wants to be perceived as a full-fledged adult must learn to express their feelings in a "non-childish" way. Now this border is gradually being erased. For example, more and more adults allow themselves to enjoy the game, direct experiences, "meaningless" actions. Idle curiosity and helplessness are no longer taboo. Therefore, more and more loyalty is manifested in relation to childhood and children's behavior. Previously, children played robber Cossacks, but now for adults there are paintballs, flash mobs, night car races with tricky tasks and much more.

What are the most common reasons for seeking a child psychotherapist?

One mother came with a one and a half year old child and complained that he did not want to read - that is, listen when they read to him, memorize letters, look at pictures. Books do not appeal to him - only cubes and a ball! Watching the child reach for the ball, mom and dad fell into melancholy. The first child, educated parents … Another story: the mother complained that the two-year-old did not speak. It turned out that parents perfectly understand their baby without words, moreover, every attempt to speak aroused such intense interest on their part that the child was frightened and fell silent. As soon as he opened his mouth, adults ran to him in a race …

During the time that I have been working, the attitudes of my parents have changed a lot. At first they came with a request, and now, however, they are not at all rare: my child is wrong - poorly managed, poorly obeyed - make him better, fix him! Five years later, they began to formulate the problem in a different way: we do not understand each other well, help me figure it out! Now there is a new wave: make your child happy!

When and why did the second "wave" begin?

At the turn of the 90s. This was probably the first stage in the psychological education of parents, associated with the appearance of translated literature. Parents began to reason not only in terms of right / wrong behavior, but also in terms of understanding and closeness.

And the third "wave" - "make my child happy"?

Each generation of parents has its own task, its own dream. At some point, it seemed the most important thing for children to grow up educated and successful. And now parents of five-seven-year-olds come to me, eager to see their children happy: so that they have everything and have no stress …

In my generation, which was fully formed during the Soviet period, socialization was early, the child quickly became involved in social structures. A large group in kindergarten, large classes at school - whether you like it or not, you had to adapt, and relying only on your own resources: the parents did not have time to delve into the nuances. Now another picture. In a family where mom and dad work, a nanny is invited to the child early enough. Parents are usually in no hurry with kindergarten, but the nannies' leapfrog is common. A stratum of children has appeared who command adults: a nanny, a chauffeur, a teacher.

Have the children themselves changed?

They have become much freer to show aggression or disagreement. And today's parents are proud of it - not like 15 years ago. Even if the children disagree with them or with someone else, for example at school.

Is this typical for intellectuals, businessmen?

Probably, such manifestations are typical for more financially "advanced" families. Financially prosperous parents can afford the luxury of tolerating childish willfulness. If a parent is confident that his influence and his money will last at least 20 years, he can allow the child not to adapt. To teachers, to society … If the parents know that the child's life depends on how he builds it, they will teach him to tough obedience or train him.

The point, however, is that in addition to safety and material benefits, a child needs simple human warmth, attention, and participation. "Accompaniment" is what parents should always provide for their child. Under any conditions.

What are children afraid of?

They are afraid that their parents are not real. Or, for example, there was a child in the same family, and the parents took another one from the orphanage. The first began to overeat terribly. When we talked with him, it turned out that the boy is afraid: are not the parents going to send him to an orphanage in exchange for the child taken from there? The boy was very scared and gorged on for the future. But he did not speak about fear and did not understand it clearly.

Is there something that should not be done in relationships with children under any circumstances?

It is very dangerous not to trust children, even when they are lying. To suspect them of something, to try to see through, to reveal, to "pick out". When a child says or does something - for him at the moment, this is the best option for protection. And it is also very dangerous to lie to children. The child unmistakably identifies falsity - in words, in intonation, in facial expressions … Talking about the dead that they left, threatening to send the child to an orphanage, because he is "a stranger" - all this is not worth doing.

A common plot is the preservation of the family for the sake of the child. How justified is it in terms of the well-being of children?

It is necessary to honestly answer to ourselves why we are trying to keep the family together. “For a child” is not always a sincere answer. For a child, in the end, it is not so important that mom and dad live together: if only they were, and there was an opportunity to communicate with them. Parents can be in different places, but there should be a normal relationship between them. Not necessarily tender love, but some kind of clarity. And it's better, healthier. Often, people strive to "keep their family together" in order to look good in the eyes of others - "not to cast a shadow on the surname." Or because it is more cost effective.

Sometimes it is enough for the parents to say to each other: “I don’t really love you, but I’m lazy to look for others”. And they start trying to adapt to each other. Sometimes, if not love, then respect, gratitude appears - that is, the opportunity to return to normal relations.

But it happens, perhaps, that the explanation "for the sake of the children" is the real motive?

Yes, it happens that mutual grievances, claims, mistrust accumulate between spouses, but love remains. But something prevents to express it directly, and then it manifests itself through children, whom both husband and wife love very much. Sometimes it is really possible to restore a family. At the same time, children become mediators, conductors of love and warmth.

How and why do they become child psychotherapists?

As for me, it happened historically. Firstly, I always liked it, and secondly, I have a bunch of children of my own. Often people who do not like adults and are afraid of them go to child psychotherapy. Children are easier to deal with. Although in fact it is more difficult work than with adults.

Interview for "Russian Reporter"