How To Praise Children. 10 Commandments Of Modern Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Well done!”, “Awesome!”, “High five!”, “What a beauty!”, We hear these phrases on any playground, at school, in kindergarten. Wherever there are children. Few of us seriously thought about these words. We praise our children when they finish something important, we praise the children with whom we work, or children from our environment. But it turns out that everything is not so simple. Praise, for example, can be manipulation to get a child to do exactly what an adult wants, praise can reduce motivation and steal a sense of victory. That's it

It turns out that scientists have been seriously discussing this issue for a long time. Let's try to figure it out. Let me make a reservation right away that we are talking about research by American scientists. The most recent scientific articles on this topic that I have found are from 2013.

It turns out that the expressions "good boy", "good girl" have been used somewhere since the middle of the 19th century (just!), And the idea of using praise to motivate children was actually adopted after the publication of "The Psychology of Self-Esteem" in 1969. The book suggests that many of the problems in American society are related to the low self-esteem of the average American. According to the authors, praise should increase a child's self-esteem and since then thousands of scientific articles have promoted the benefits of praise in increasing children's motivation and school success.

Since the 60s, praise has become more important in working with children with special needs, as research (especially by behavioral psychologists) has shown its positive effect. Many programs for working with these children still use a reward system, because it allows you to warn:

"Trained helplessness" - when the child repeats negative experience over and over again and is imbued with the idea that he has no influence on the result. In these cases, praise can support the child and stimulate further learning.

Overcoming difficulties - when a certain behavior is rewarded with “positive reinforcement” (encouragement or praise) and this gives the child the motivation to continue doing it. If this behavior is ignored, motivation drops dramatically.

The flip side of praise

In the 80s and 90s of the last century, scientists began a discussion that praise can "dilute" a child's motivation, put pressure on him, prevent him from making risky decisions (so as not to risk his reputation) and lower the level of independence. Alfie Cohen, who researched the topic, explains why praise can be devastating to a child. In his opinion, the encouragement:

manipulates the child, forcing him to obey the wishes of adults. This works well over short distances, as children tend to get approval from adults. But, perhaps, this leads to their greater dependence.

Creates praise addicts. The more rewards a child receives, the more they depend on the judgment of adults instead of learning to gradually rely on their own judgment.

Steals pleasure from the child - the child deserves to simply enjoy the pleasure of “I did it!” Instead of waiting for the assessment. Many people do not think that the words "Great job!" this is as much an assessment as "Disgusting work!"

Decreases interest - Research shows that children have less interest in activities for which they are rewarded. Instead of being interested in the activity itself, children begin to show much more interest in reward.

Reduces Success Rate - Children who have been rewarded for doing creative work often fail on their next attempt. Perhaps this is because the child is very afraid of “not meeting” his level, or perhaps he loses interest in the work itself, thinking only about rewards. Such children are not inclined to "take risks" in new creative works, fearing not to receive a positive assessment this time. It has also been found that students who are often praised are more likely to give in in the face of difficulties.

In some cultures, like East Asia, praise is rare. Despite this, children are much more motivated. Moreover, for example, in Germany, Poland or France, the expressions "good boy", "good girl" are not used in conversation.

Not all yoghurts are created equal

Research shows that different types of rewards have different effects on children. Scholars distinguish between “personal praise” and “constructive praise”.

Personal praise has to do with the characteristics of a given person, such as intelligence. She evaluates the child in general: good, smart, bright personality. For example: "You are a good girl!", "You are great!", "I am very proud of you!" Research shows that such praise focuses students' attention on external outcomes and encourages them to continually compare their own results with others.

Constructive praise is related to the child's efforts and focuses on the work process, preparation, and actual work results. For example, “I know how long it took you to prepare”, “I saw how carefully you built the tower”, “The beginning of the composition was exciting.” Constructive praise stimulates in the child the development of a flexible mind, the desire to learn, the ability to resist their own weaknesses and respond to challenges.

How can we praise children?

The question, of course, is not whether we should praise our children, but how to praise them? Research shows that constructive praise encourages children to work harder, learn, explore the world, and gain a healthy perspective on their own possibilities. In addition, sincere praise that reflects real expectations can boost a child's self-esteem.

Now, here are some practical tips on how to praise children

1. Describe the child's behavior and efforts, rather than assessing them in general. Phrases like “Good girl” or “Good job” do not provide the child with specific information that will help him develop further in the desired direction. Instead, say what you see, avoiding judgmental words. For example: "You have a lot of bright colors in your drawing" or "You built such a tall tower." Even a simple "You did it!" provides the child with the knowledge that you have noticed his efforts, but that you do not give him marks.

2. Scientists believe that any positive attention to the desired behavior has a very good effect. Encouraging descriptions like “I've seen how long you've been putting this puzzle together” or “Wow! You let your brother play with your new toy,”they tell the child that parents appreciate his efforts, attempts to establish communication and mutual understanding. Much depends on the tone in which it is said.

3. Avoid praising your child for something that did not cost him any effort or for solving problems in which, in principle, it is impossible to make a mistake. This does not mean that you need to say "Well, any baby can handle this!"

4. Be careful when you want to compliment a child who just suffered a setback or made a mistake. Praises like “Excellent. You did your best,”are often taken as pity. Such encouragement can strengthen the child's belief that he made a mistake because of his disabilities or intellect (and this will not help the case), and not because of insufficient efforts (and there is quite a lot to work on). At the same time, tell the child "Do your best!" does not mean giving him specific information on exactly how to try. It is better to resort to constructive praise and specifically indicate what exactly the child succeeded in this time. For example, "You missed the ball, but this time you almost caught it."

5. Praise must be honest. It really should reflect the child's real efforts to achieve the goal. It makes no sense to say “I know you tried,” if he beat thumbs up for a week before the test. Excessive praise devalues rewards in principle.

6. See if what the child is doing is right for the child. Yes, of course, the encouragement should support and stimulate the child's interest in the desired activity. But if you have to constantly praise and reward in huge doses to keep your child interested in this activity, consider whether it is right for him. Perhaps we are not talking about those activities that you consider necessary for the life and development of the child. But if there are too many (or too few), sometimes revise the list.

7. Don't discount the praise. Praise may well become a habit. If the child is really involved in some business and his own motivation is enough for him, praise is completely unnecessary here. All the same, you will sit opposite and say sweetly “Well, how wonderful you eat chocolate!”.

8. Think about what the child himself wanted to achieve. For example, if your child finally utters the word "cookie" instead of screaming in ecstasy "You said" cookie "! Honey, you heard he said "cookie"! " give your child a cookie, because he spent so much effort to get what he wants, and it is the cookie that should be his encouragement. Try to understand the child and help him express what he is trying to express. This will be the best praise for him.

9. Avoid compliments that compare your child to others. At first glance, comparing a child's accomplishments to those of their peers may seem like a good idea. Research even shows that such comparisons can increase a child's motivation and enjoyment of the task.

But there are two major problems here:

1. Competitive praise continues as long as the child wins. When competition disappears, so does motivation. In fact, children who are accustomed to such comparative praise easily become unhappy losers.

The following experiment was performed:

Pupils in grades 4 and 5 were asked to complete a puzzle. At the end of the assignment, they received:

- comparative praise

- constructive praise

- no praise at all

After that, the children received the next task. At the end of this assignment, they received no feedback.

How did this uncertainty affect the motivation of children?

Everything depended on the previous encouragement. Those who received comparative praise for the first time lost motivation dramatically. Those who received constructive praise showed increased motivation. In other words, a story of comparative praise can come back to haunt the fact that a child loses motivation the minute he stops outperforming his peers.

* For some reason, the article does not indicate how the children who did not receive praise at all reacted to the second task.

2. When using comparative praise, the goal is to win the competition, not mastery.

When a child decides that the main task is to "beat" the competition, he loses a genuine, immanent (excuse my French) interest in the business he is doing. He is motivated as long as the activity helps him prove that he is the best.

Worse, the child may become so obsessed with "winning" that he will do his best to avoid unfamiliar areas where he cannot immediately become a winner. Accordingly, he stops learning and developing. Why bother with the unknown and risk failure? Comparative praise does not prepare a child for failure. Instead of learning from their mistakes, these children give up in the face of defeat and feel utterly helpless.

10. Avoid praising the child for any and so inherent qualities - beauty, sharp mind, the ability to quickly find contact with people

Experiments have shown that children who were praised for their intelligence avoided new “risky” and difficult tasks. Instead, they preferred to do what they already excelled at, what seemed easy to them. And children who were praised for their efforts and for their ability to change showed the exact opposite tendencies - they were more likely to take on difficult tasks that challenge their capabilities. For things in which you can learn something. They were much more willing to come up with new strategies without looking back at others.

Children who have been praised for their qualities, such as intelligence:

More often give up after one defeat

More often reduce the level of completion of tasks after defeat

Are more often inadequate in assessing their achievements

Moreover, they tend to perceive any failure as proof of their own stupidity.

It is very important to understand that a child has different needs at different stages of development.

Young children are in dire need of approval and support. An experiment was conducted that confirmed (who would doubt?) That three-year-olds are much more active in taking risks and exploring new activities if mothers at the age of two encouraged their attempts at independence.

Older children are very suspicious of our attempts to praise them. They are very sensitive to why and why we praise them. And they tend to suspect us of manipulation or condescension (praise is haughty).

So, if we briefly summarize the recommendations of American scientists, we get the following:

• Be specific.
• Be sincere.
• Encourage new activities.
• Don't praise the obvious.
• Praise the effort and reward the enjoyment of the process.

And on my own I will add. I recommend making extensive use of common sense and, after digesting this information, use what is right for you. The essence of any knowledge is to expand the choice. And, perhaps, having entered the next parental "dead end", you will remember something from what you read and want to expand your repertoire. Good luck!