Dark Side

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is an image of me that I like, who I want to be.

I broadcast myself like this and my qualities in the field and society.

For example, I like that I am sympathetic, kind, understanding and accepting, cheerful, smart, somewhat seductive, active, purposeful, strong, self-confident, modest, generous, a little bitchy, etc. I just accept myself and want to see.

Contacting the world and with other people, I regret, sometimes anger, disappointment, I realize that I am not the only one. Often this truth about me is unbearable to me.

After all, I am also hysterical, angry, somewhat aggressive, accusing, inappropriate, ridiculous, stupid, selfish, greedy, envious, lazy, insecure, etc. These are the qualities that I don't like. I don’t want to see them in myself, I don’t want to admit them, but they are in me.

No matter how hard I try to hide, these are my dark sides of personality.

Why is it so difficult to recognize and see these "dark" traits in yourself?

Because they contradict my positive image. It collapses. It destroys my self-esteem.

And the reality is that there is an image of me that I like, and there is a real me, which includes both positive and dark sides.

Whether you like it or not, these traits are in you too. No matter how each of us tries to hide all these qualities, they will not go anywhere from us. We are all selfish, infantile, envious, greedy, angry, arrogant, stupid. And now everyone is thinking about himself - no, no, I'm not like that.

Through such denial appears shadow … What is, but I do not want to see.

How do we overlook, avoid our dark sides?

We use defense mechanisms.

1. I shift responsibility to others for who I am.

When I behave in a way I don't like, I blame others or rely on circumstances.

For example, I am quick-tempered and can raise my voice often. I don’t want to admit it to myself, and I tell my partner - it’s your fault that I yelled. You drove me.

Many people say: I have no money because I live in such a country. Shifting responsibility, and it would be better to admit your laziness, incompetence.

"I have a terrible job because my boss is an idiot."

Maybe I'm the same and don't admit it to myself?

Transferring responsibility and focus to the boss. But suddenly I have to admit - I envy him, I have no leadership qualities and I have to be just an employee.

2. I ignore, deny, reject the qualities in myself and do not accept comments on this matter.

I behave as I do, I have an excuse for this - my experience, knowledge, I rely on some beliefs. If they point me to my unpleasant sides, I will always have an excuse, a denial. Often even intellectually grounded.

For example, a person can help friends, make repairs for them, participate in all activities, do their job for free, but at the same time absolutely avoid their elderly parents who live on one pension.

If you point this out to him, there will certainly be a well-grounded answer-excuse why he does not help. After all, recognition will harm his image of a very good, kind, sympathetic person with a big heart, in which he believes so much.

The husband looks at the girls passing by, examining their bodies. Immediately calls his wife, as if denying that he could be unfaithful. For himself, he confirms the positive image of a faithful husband.

3. I project onto others what I do myself.

I accuse the person of being angry, irritable, envious. Although I myself can be like that. I yell at my partner and say - don't yell at me. I blame you when I do it myself.

Have you noticed how often your partner blames a fight? Says a lot of messages, starting with the words "YOU". And you stand, listen and understand what he is actually talking about himself, only he never admits it. He doesn’t want to see his shadow sides, it’s better to hang them on someone else and look against the background that I’m actually done well.

We all do this, just do not want to admit it. After all, in my head I'm a good person. What happens outside, what I say, hear, see, how I manifest, primarily reflects my inner world.

Accepting my dark sides and qualities means - I know that I am a good person and I know that I am a bad person. Accepting the shadow part puts each person in front of the question of growing up and liberating.

How did we learn to suppress and ignore our shadowy sides?

We adapted in the family, in the environment in which it was necessary to exist. Something we were allowed to develop, but something was suppressed.

But my adaptation continues throughout my life: at work, with a partner, with children.

You can be calm and not loud, then my front side - I am quiet, soft, and my shadow side - the ability to shout, be loud, but I do not allow myself. This is not a division into good and evil. All qualities have a front and a shadow side, what has been accepted and what has been repressed. Every feeling has its own polarity.

I'm hardworking - and just as lazy.

Positive is sad.

Good is evil.

I love - I hate.

We push out most often into the shadow:

- things related to sex - fantasies, perversions, desires.

There can be a lot of shame here. Nobody explained to us how we deal with our fantasies and desires. Therefore, it is a task for everyone what to do with it.

More often than not, people therefore engage in understandable primitive sex, as it should be, displacing what they would like. They are displaced by the same mechanisms that I wrote above.

For example, my wife wants aggressive sex, when in fact I want it. My wife doesn't want to have sex, although in fact I don't really want to be with her either.

- thoughts and things related to anger.

This is so much more existential anger - why can't I be a free traveler at the same time and move around the world with one backpack and at the same time live at home, in comfort, coziness and stability.

Why was I not born to rich and educated parents, my life and success would have been different then. (Having recognized the shadow side, this means: I am a bum, I do not want to work. I have been deprived of a carefree life. So I will look for someone who will provide for me).

There are things that make me angry, but I can't help it.

Cancer is a disease of suppressed anger that has turned into hopelessness. It is important not to suppress your anger, but to accept it, to admit it. Get out of the shadows and become freer and healthier.

- things related to growing up.

Adulthood is the risk of becoming who I really am, without the guarantee of social support. Do what I want and how I want, even if no one supports me in this. That is why it is so difficult for us to grow up.

For example, I'm 31 and when my parents ask me about children, I say that I don't want to and maybe I will never have them. They don't understand me, they don't accept me in this.

Or, there is a beloved man with whom I feel good. I choose not to have a wedding with him, because I don’t want to, I don’t see the point in this, we are already together. But socially this is abnormal and not accepted.

If the shadow is not recognized, it manifests itself in depression, apathy, lack of energy and physical symptoms.

By recognizing your shadow, you are able to accept that you will never be the people you have created, but you will be yourself. There will be a lot of energy and happiness.

Because this is your unique business, your life, no one will live it for you.

Growing up is a global internal task.

The ability to answer yourself who I am, what I am, what do I have?

To become an adult and understand that I myself am the culprit of what is happening to me.

Each of us must do this for ourselves.

P. S. the task

Write your positive image.

What am I? What qualities do you like in yourself? What feelings are you used to and like to show?

Next below or in the column to the right, write all your shadow sides.

What do I dislike about myself? What infuriates and annoys in a partner, in other people, and, accordingly, is it mine?

What qualities do I dislike in my parents and I got them, but I do not recognize them in myself in every possible way?

And below is approval and recognition.

This is me, I am just that. I have all these qualities.

And try mentally to yourself or out loud to admit it every time you notice.

For example, a man often tells me in a quarrel that I am angry.

I used to disagree with him and tried in every possible way to prove that I was not like that. And now I just answer - yes, I am angry too. So what?

And it becomes somehow easy, because it's true.