Better To Be Guilty Than “evil”?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Strange question, isn't it? It may seem even stranger that the underlying feeling is the same. “Who consciously chooses between these options?” - you ask, and you will be right - the choice is made unconsciously, I propose to think about it a little today. It will be about procrastination as a form of passive aggression towards oneself and others

Imagine a person who is in this position: “… I can’t force myself to work on a task in a focused manner, I constantly switch to something else. Intellectually I understand that I need to go according to the schedule (and I make it myself and I can choose what to do), but at the same time I am constantly distracted and in the end, by the end of the day or week, I realize that I did not work on what was really important. I'm already starting to get confused, what is important - individually, everything seems important. He says it softly, his voice sounds tired, regretful and annoyed. And also guilt and anxiety - those around him become more and more dissatisfied with him. He understands everything, but he cannot overcome himself, although he has tried it many times.

This man makes me sympathetic. Having achieved a lot in life and holding a high position in a large company, he is by no means self-satisfied and self-confident. He wants to fix himself and hopes to receive clear instructions on how.

So, given: the symptom is procrastination, and the request is to eliminate it. But we will not solve this problem head-on, because therapy is not the distribution of instructions or coaching in time management.

How do I see the process? As I listen and watch the client talk about himself and his difficulty, I notice that he tends to agree with the tasks and deadlines that are set for his direction. And, according to him, he has a choice - to agree or refuse, but at the moment of making a decision, he sincerely believes that he wants, can and is ready to complete the task, but when the time comes to do it, it becomes unbearably difficult to take on it and hold attention.

My guess is that procrastination in this case is an avoidance of doing what he really does not want, with which he disagrees, which is not interesting. At the moment when he agrees, he does not have time to notice it. For various reasons, we have to find out about them. This can be a lack of the skill to notice your interest, and fears associated with negative past experiences.

So, a person agrees to something that does not suit him. Deep down, he would like to refuse, but does not notice this and restrains himself. The energy that arose for refusal (anger, aggression for protection) is not transmitted outside, but is kept inside. What happens to her next?

A person takes on these matters, but begins to avoid them and decides that he is just trying badly. His anger is divided into 2 parts, one still breaks out in a strongly filtered form - in the form of postponing and distracting attention, the other - remains inside in the form of dissatisfaction with himself and feelings of guilt.

Since it is scary to openly refuse (to show aggression), a person unconsciously “chooses” to be not “evil”, but “guilty” - in fact, he broadcasts his anger outside in the form of a message “I am trying, but I just cannot overcome myself”. This helps to solve two problems - 1) not to do and 2) to avoid collision with a reciprocal claim. Admitting this to yourself can be difficult. But this is important, because then it becomes clear that procrastination is not a person's “bug”, but his own inner tension from the fact that he has undertaken to do what he does not want.

And we will go the following way. If we work with dissatisfaction with ourselves and guilt, we will find anger turned on ourselves (how much a person forces himself to). We will investigate the reasons for how so many cases have accumulated - we will discover fears and work with them. Along the way, we will learn to listen to ourselves, especially when we agree to do something for someone. Notice your interest and desire, and even more so reluctance, and formulate a refusal. It is important to see how anger is divided into those two parts - an even filtered out, but still an aggressive message to the outside and auto-aggression. When this becomes conscious, there will be more freedom of choice.

And finally, a life hack exercise for those interested to understand whether you want something or not. Make a list of what you should be doing, but not doing. For example, “I have to play sports, I have to learn French, I have to call my mom every day,” etc. Read this list out loud. Now read it, substituting “I want” instead of “I must” and listen to yourself - you will definitely feel your real response.

Stolyarova Svetlana

Gestalt therapist