Masochism As A Way To Survive, Or Warming The Universe. The Psychotherapist's View

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the point of view of psychology, a masochist is a person whose desires and needs are violated from childhood, as a result of which he ceases to feel his human value. Accustomed to suffering for the sake of others, but proudly enduring the sometimes impossible for the personal nature of deprivation, such a person has very complex models of attitudes towards himself and the world, which always ends for him with various kinds of consequences, such as psychosomatic problems, difficulties in building healthy social ties, until early death.

Masochistic character traits are manifested in:

1. The habit of enduring and suffering. "Once a child came to this world with a desire to be noticed, recognized, accepted, with the hope and intention of showing his will and desires in this world. If such a child appears in a family system where the parents (or one of them) are not ready to raise a living being that has its own preferences, motives, feelings, desires, they can, for example, do everything to make the child stop showing signs of “life.” Not to kill, of course, but to etch out desires, manifestations, and will in him. in this case, it becomes minimally alive, maximally manageable, functional, does not require anything, does not want to, does what they say, does not mind, does not have its own opinion and sense of self-worth."

It is in order to receive love and recognition that the masochist unconsciously chooses to endure and suffer, because this is what his parents broadcast to him: “You with your manifestations of life (hunger, desires, whims, feelings) are inconvenient for us. want something for yourself, live for others (primarily for us), then come, we will love you. Since no child can grow up without love or at least hope for love, there is nothing left but to adapt first to the parent, and then to the rest of the world by selfless service to others and by self-denial.

And since deprivation and suffering become an important value, the masochist is sure that everyone around should live in accordance with this value. And only those who also suffer or suffer will be recognized by them. All the rest, "having the audacity" to take care of their needs and interests, the masochist will treat with hostility or aggressiveness, without, however, showing these feelings explicitly."

2. Since in childhood his aggression was suppressed and now has special forms, namely manipulative and passive-aggressive forms of aggression … The typical masochist often looks like the sweetest or quietest person. He does not get angry directly, does not ask, does not demand, does not openly resent and does not make claims. And therefore, most often you will not know what is wrong: what he suffers from, how he is offended, what he lacks. He will endure. You should have "guessed", and since you didn’t guess, then this is not good on your part … The accumulated discomfort is defended by the masochist inside, does not find a way out and still turns into aggression. But in childhood, retaliatory aggression was either strictly forbidden ("How, are you still shouting at your mother ?!"), or dangerous - a sadistic father could see an act of disobedience in aggression and attacked the child until any reaction except submission was completely exterminated. In addition, direct aggression interferes with the fulfillment of the plan - to become "higher" than their tormentors. The horror and torment that the "external" sadists delivered to him prevent him from legalizing the sadist in himself - it is too scary. Therefore, the "tormentor" hides and mimics.

As a result, aggression from direct forms turns into indirect, manipulative, inherently sadistic ones. And in their diversity, the masochist has no equal.

Passive accusation.

Since he devotes himself entirely to serving other people (for example, his children), he also expects the return service. In fact, he expects that someone else's life will go to pay for his life, once “spent” on other people. the suffering of others. A field of endless and often difficult to formulate guilt - this is what his loved ones are forced to live in. Making everyone around them guilty for the fact that they just live and want something, or, on the contrary, actively do not want, is a passive-aggressive response, often not even to what is happening in the family or environment of the masochist now, but to his unfortunate past.

Passive waiting.

Since the masochist is trained to understand, anticipate and fulfill the desires of others, he subconsciously expects the same from other people … as proof of love and good relations with him. "What else should I ask?" - the masochist is often indignant, confident that a direct request is an unheard-of impudence, for which they will be punished or rejected. But if other people have the audacity to want something and openly declare it, then this gives rise to a whole storm of feelings in the masochist: envy, anger, the desire in no case to give, to condemn, to punish. To do in relation to them all the same that they once did to him.

Passive punishment.

If you do not give up your life enough for the sake of your loved one, a masochist, if you have the audacity to want something that he does not want, then you will be punished … but so that you will not immediately understand what is happening, but unpleasant sensations, pain and suffering at the same time you will have plenty. The ways of passive punishment are diverse: they will stop talking to you, they will become cold, they will live next to you with the look of undeserved suffering, they will abandon you, deprive you of something important for you (warmth, contact, attention, participation), they will demonstrate to you with all kinds, that you are to blame for the deterioration of their mood or health.

Passive deprivation.

A masochist will never directly say, "I need help." And he will not ask: "Can I help you with something?" He will do everything himself, although often his participation was not required or even desperately interfered with. He will do everything, even what no one asked for, and he will definitely say: "Can't you see how hard it is for me?" Or he will throw phrases "into the air": "I barely carried these heavy bags!" show care and love for him, and then he himself will be offended for what he did not receive. He will deprive you of the opportunity to see him contented, prosperous, healthy, happy. Next to him, you will not be able to feel caring, sympathetic, "good".

Passive self-destruction.

If a masochist does not have the opportunity to accuse or punish, all that anger that inevitably arises in any person during his life from the fact that he did not live the way he wanted, that he did not allow himself what is really important to him, all this anger turns inward, leading a person to self-destruction. There are many ways of self-destructive behavior, masochists "choose" the one that matches their model - they will suffer. To do this, you can "acquire" a serious, even incurable disease, you can regularly get into trouble and accidents, kill yourself with alcohol and other addictions. An early form of auto-aggression is complete self-destruction and self-punishment - early death.

Undeclared exit from the relationship.

The combination of infinite - even a masochist - patience and his inability to bring his own desires into contact, to talk about what he dislikes, to confront, to defend his own, to discuss, to come to an agreement leads to the fact that, tired of suppressing his own discontent and numerous grievances, the masochist at some point suddenly leaves the relationship - without explanation and giving the other side the opportunity to understand what happened, what was wrong, what can be corrected in their behavior or attitude. Often behind this lies anger at the unfulfilled expectation that the other will return the "good" by dedication to which the masochist once went.

3. Provocation of someone else's aggression

A masochist (and most often it is a woman), being raised by a sadistic parent, even growing up, unconsciously (or consciously) strives to recreate a similar model in any close relationship. Therefore, she either chooses men who are prone to manifestations of sadism, or excites a sadistic part in the man with whom she lives. Her sacrificial position provokes aggression among those living nearby, because:

She does not show her aggression directly, rather throws it into the family field in the form of discontent, tacit resentment, hanging tension, ignorance, quiet suffering with reproach;

She does not accept help and care, rejecting warm feelings and expressions of care of others;

She always supposedly knows better what is good for others;

It is important for her to reproduce her childhood model of suffering and deprivation, and therefore proposals to somehow "solve the problem", to make life easier, to change at least something come across her "yes, but …" - she will always have arguments in favor of continuing it is absolutely necessary to suffer, for there is no other way.

She does not know how to say "no", "stop" and therefore allows those living next to her to walk endlessly on her territory, violate her boundaries, trample on her human dignity, use her desire to serve …

4. Refusal of oneself and intoxicated service to others. Indispensability, necessity, service with full dedication - this is at least some guarantee that implicitly, underground love and care will nevertheless seep to him along with a feeling of unconditional "goodness", if not "holiness."

The tragedy of the masochist is lost desire and will. An unborn life of its own. The only pleasure allowed is the measure of suffering endured.

The main illusion of the masochist is that he is not aggressive and does not wish any harm to anyone, although his manipulative anger cripples more than the explicitly presented one. He believes that since he serves others, and not himself, then he is good and necessary and will never be abandoned … That if now he lives in need and deprivation, then somehow he will magically become rich. That one day someone will nevertheless come and reward what he deserves and great justice will be done, as in Russian fairy tales: evil and greedy heroes will be overtaken by retribution, and the generous and the poor will be rewarded.

Illusions in the masochist are the last to die. They are much more tenacious than the masochists themselves, because in myths and fairy tales, illusions about retribution for suffering live for centuries …