2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The fear of abandonment is born from despair in view of the inability to control the future and influence the actions of our partner, which we consider vital for ourselves.
Yes, we really cannot control the future, but we can control our emotions and actions in the present. We can, for example, convince ourselves that this person treats us badly, does not appreciate, does not like, that in general he is an abuser and a dangerous type.
A devalued person, thus, already ceases to pose a danger to us, ceases to be significant, and accordingly it is easier to break off relations with him. And there is no relationship - there is no fear of being abandoned, betrayed. And so, we gain the illusion of control over the situation.
However, at what cost is this illusion of control given? Lack of satisfying relationships, constant feelings of loneliness.
Why is this happening? Because a person directs efforts not to improve the quality of relationships, but to avoid these relationships altogether.
He decides to remain alone, in his comfort zone, in a protective shell from life, rather than learn to cope with his fears and emotions.
With all this, this behavior is selfish, because is aimed at only taking from others from the position: "they must meet my expectations", "they are responsible for my well-being" …
It is difficult to build good relationships on this shaky ground.
Relationships, including love ones, are formed when the other does not try to gain in them only something for himself, but he is able to share something (not in return, but from the heart).
However, a person gets in the way of the belief that he is being used.
There can be no relationship in which we are only used.
Relationships are an important part of any person's life, and in relationships we fulfill our needs. Accordingly, since we are still in a relationship, then our needs continue to be satisfied. And, of course, no one guarantees that they will last until death.
If our relationship needs aren't being met, what's the point?
I am often approached by clients who are dissatisfied with their relationships, devaluing relationships, and behind all this I see the fear of becoming vulnerable, the anxious expectation of being abandoned.
This fear comes from childhood, when relationships with parents were extremely unstable and even dangerous, devaluing.
It is clear that if you constantly beat the dog, it will shy away even from the wave of the hand that is about to stroke it.
A traumatized person needs to develop the skills of alternative thinking, get out of the tunnel of his usual beliefs, learn to correlate his ideas with the facts of reality.
How much a person has overcome this in himself, can be said by the quality of his life and relationships, the degree of satisfaction.
The degree of satisfaction is also quite subjective, since we can have a lot of positive things, but not see it behind the depreciation.
* Artist: Johnny Morant.
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