2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Loneliness is called the disease of the XXI century. The most common reasons for contacting a psychologist are relationship problems or their absence, love failures, depression after parting, self-doubt, the question "Well, what's wrong with me."
We all want to be loved.
I have prepared this text for those who really want to understand why you are unlucky in love. And fix this situation.
How and what partners do we choose or do not choose. How we build relationships. What setbacks we endure. All of this has its natural connections with our first experience of relationships with parents and significant adults.
If the first experience was traumatic for the child and became the cause of love failures, then it can be worked out in adulthood in a therapeutic relationship with a psychologist.
Read each of the most common scenarios in practice.
1. AMAZON: "I come across weak men."
What is behind this? Often - rivalry with men.
Outwardly, the Amazon is strong, successful and self-confident. And inside - the offended girl is crying. With whom from her childhood does she continue to compete? Whom does he take revenge on for insult or betrayal? Father, grandfather, brother, former lover? Or maybe she watched all her life how her mother suffered from humiliation, beatings from her father and swore: "This will never happen to me!" She does not know how to build a relationship with a man differently. Male aggression scares her. It's safer to be stronger. A man, feeling rivalry, flees for fear of being defeated. A defeated man will eventually disappoint her. She is afraid to trust, get burned, be weak, vulnerable. Therefore, it invests in its independence and independence.
2. FATHER'S DAUGHTER: "And I love a married man."
What is behind this? The idealized image of the father or the Oedipus complex.
She is attracted to men much older. Secured. Completed. Successful. With the post. They give her admiration, show care and guardianship, financial support. She is their love and obedience to them. Everything would be fine, but divorced men are in no hurry to marry, and married men only promise to divorce someday. And time goes by. What kind of father is behind this? The most beloved and best daddy. Nobody can compare with this. Especially peers. And why bother with them? It's so nice to always be Daddy's favorite girl.
3. PERFECTIONIST: "Better in any way instead of somehow."
What is behind this?
Self-made woman. Made myself. But not from a good life. And to hide their shortcomings, for which parents have been shamed and criticized since childhood. She did not know unconditional love, but she always tried to be the best everywhere and in everything. Makes high demands on partners. In his striving to become better, he tries to "bring to perfection" each of them. As a result, the man breaks down and runs away to freedom. Or she is experiencing another disappointment from his countless shortcomings. Over time, she begins to notice the flaws of the next candidate from the first meetings and does not even waste time on his courtship.
4. INVISIBLE: "Nobody gets to know me."
What is behind this? They really don't get to know her.
He tries to look and behave inconspicuously. Don't get attention. Just like in childhood, so as not to incur the cruelty of a parent. It's better to be silent than to hear: "Don't bother, nobody asked you." It is better to admit defeat without even starting to fight than to lose to your opponent again and make sure you are worthless. Her self-esteem is close to zero: "In any case, I am an empty space." Who is behind this incessant self-deprecation? Perhaps the mother who criticized and compared her daughter: “But I was an excellent student at school. How can you be so fat? At your age I already had two children, but you don't even have a boyfriend. " It may even seem to you that the mother is in competition with her daughter. At first, she used to be a loser in her mother's comparisons. At school, a friend took the boy away from her. Then her man turned out to be married. And then the prohibition: "I will never believe a man again!"
5. RUNNING BRIDE … "Not ready for a serious relationship."
What is behind this? "Eternal girl" - no matter how old she is.
Cheerful, attractive and sexy. Sole of company. He treats everything with ease. And to the relationship as well. And deep down he is afraid to grow up and take responsibility. As soon as a man proposes to her, she cools down. It seems to her that it spoils everything. Life kills love. Children are imprisoned. Marriage - male attention. Probably, her mother pulled the whole family on herself. She saw how hard it was for mom. The female share seemed to her unbearable, even dangerous. Or maybe she had to “become an adult” too early and take care of herself and someone close to her fragile child's shoulders. Although she has grown up, she continues to look for a happy, carefree childhood, which she did not enjoy to her fullest in her time.
6. THE SNOW QUEEN: "A man must conquer a woman."
What is behind this? No one has yet managed to conquer this fortress.
Her heart is a block of ice. Beauty is cold and unapproachable. Under the mask of indifference lies the fear of loving and needing a man more than he is in her. What kind of parents did she have? An indifferent or absent father. Emotionally cold mother. Of course the little girl loved her parents. She tried in every possible way to win their love and attention, begged for at least a small portion of warmth and affection. Until her childish heart turned stone from pain and loneliness. Now let others try to earn her love.
7. LONELY MARRIED WOMAN: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".
What is behind this? Fear of loneliness.
Dependence on the opinions of others. The choice of a man on the principle of "not choosing", but taking what he got, or even this will not happen. Over time, she begins to realize that next to her is "the wrong person." And she lives "not her own life." Any true desires and feelings break through and immediately drown out. She has enough strength and courage to change anything. Self-esteem is underestimated. The fear of loneliness makes her cling to a relationship in which she is already essentially alone. Fear comes from childhood, when the father left the family, and the mother was left alone. Fear when no one ever cared about her. It's scary to have this experience again. What if she is left alone like her mother? Better to have at least someone nearby.
8. DISADVANTAGE: "I don't need sex."
What is behind this? Fear, shame of sexuality.
She has a favorite job, great relationships with friends. Crowds of fans. Until it comes to sex. She is not afraid of love. She is afraid of sexuality. Such fears are common in those who were harassed in childhood or experienced strong feelings of guilt about childhood masturbation. They seem to remain in the soul of that little girl for whom sex is forbidden and is something dirty, sinful, frightening. Dangerous if there was a negative sexual experience. A woman who felt in her youth the shame of her own body, insecurity in her femininity and sexuality, is very afraid of disappointing a man with her inexperience, imperfect forms, not such orgasms, which chooses the path of refusing sex. But sooner or later, repressed sexual desires and fears can break out in the form of neurosis.
9. I AM THE MOTHER: "Everything for the sake of the children."
What is behind this? She chose only one female role - to be a mother.
Hiding behind the interests of children, a woman does not enter into a relationship with a man after a divorce from their father. And she remains alone, devoting herself and her life to them. What is she hiding behind this? Fear of going through pain again. Fear of rejection. Resentment against men. Fear of your sexuality. The combinations can be different. Plus a little self-sacrifice. She chose only one female role - to be a mother. But the problem is that her grown-up children may feel tremendous guilt for living apart and loving someone else. And my mother is lonely, because she gave up everything in the name of children. It is difficult to separate from such mothers. And children can unconsciously inherit the scenario of mom's loneliness.
10. FREE: "I value my freedom and independence."
What is behind this?
She is successful in her career. Her schedule is busy: sports, beauty salons, exhibitions, concerts, meetings with friends and travel. Only there is no man in it. In fact, she herself fills her life so that there is no place for a man in her. Where does such a need for absolute control and fear of relaxation come from? Most likely from a relationship with an authoritarian, violating her personal boundaries, criticizing and controlling parent. To which it was impossible to say no. The fear of losing her independence and reliving the same experience again makes her completely avoid close relationships with men.
11. DREAMER: “I believe in romance. And I'm waiting for the prince."
What is behind this? A romantic naive person.
She grew up, but in her heart she believes in fairy tales, magic and her own omnipotence. “If this person is yours, he will definitely reappear in your life”, she is ready to bring stories about 2 halves of one whole and many other arguments instead of burning out the broken relationship and drawing conclusions. She can be a brilliant employee, an erudite interlocutor, but at the same time she turns out to be completely blind when faced with real feelings. Perhaps she grew up without a father. Or there was a father who did not protect or take care of. No security, no development. They are waiting for a "real man" to open up and finally become a woman. They often fall prey to narcissists and psychopaths. They are waiting for a handsome prince, building castles in the air in their dreams. But the wait can drag on if you do not learn to distinguish princes from beggars and predators and do not accept that the most beautiful prince is just an ordinary person with his own merits and demerits … Like herself.
12. VICTIM: "Love is pain".
What is behind this? Love failure.
An affair with a painful ending when she lost her man. It doesn't matter who dumped whom. But in her psyche, now love is associated with suffering. Or maybe, on the contrary, she cannot forget in any way an amazing love story from her youth or a fantasy image of an ideal father. In fact, she was unable to accept and survive
experience of past relationships. Remaining in them an abandoned, deceived or injured victim, she is not able to control her life and is not ready for new meetings. Fascinated by her former love, she mentally and even physically “remains faithful” to her former lover, refuses new relationships for fear of saying goodbye to her past forever and ruining this connection. She is lonely in reality, but in fantasies she is not alone. Therefore, I am not ready for a new love.
13. THE SAVIOR: "Everyone uses me."
What is behind this? Doesn't believe that she is worthy of love just like that.
The most unpleasant thing is that this is true and, moreover, of her own free will. She thinks that only those who need her can love her. Chooses infantile men, gigolos. Or a man with a strangled pride, trying to heal his narcissistic wound. But their tandem is based on suffering. Loving her partner with such sacrificial love, she herself becomes a victim of manipulators. They use it as long as there is something to profit from. After that, they throw it. This further destroys their dignity and self-esteem, increases guilt. They lacked unconditional love, acceptance and emotional contact. They could have a controlling mother and a weak-willed father who was looked after by their mother. Or the alcoholic she was saving. Someone who would really like to save his daughter and live his childhood in a different way.
Unlike the script of the filmed film, your script of loneliness still has the ability to rewrite. Because you are the author of your life.
Perhaps someone will coincide with several scenarios at once. This happens. If you found out your life story in any of the scenarios, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist. We will work on this so that there are more happy people on Earth.
Love, ️
Elena Ermolenko
Psychologist. Psychoanalyst. Coach
I bring back the taste of life!
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