2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
IT'S NOT PERFECT …
I will tell you a secret
Is never perfect
It is not by chance that we are with you, It is no coincidence that you and me!
Lyrics from the song of the group "Beasts"
It's easier to leave … To slam the door … Spitting out claims, reproaches on the go … Get offended and revel in the feeling of "uselessness" … Get angry and not talk … Forget and not remember … Delete from life …
It is more difficult to stay … To talk about your resentment, anger, powerlessness, fear … Despite strong feelings, stay with the Other, listen to him, talk and negotiate.
You can get away from the Other. You can't get away from yourself. And you will come to another Other. You will come with your usual views, feelings, complexes, fears, grievances, problems and with the usual way of solving them.
The circle repeats itself. With another Other and the same self!
Even if you leave everyone who does not understand you, does not hear, does not accept, does not believe … In short, from everyone, who DOES NOT SUIT YOU, does not correspond to your image-representation, you will still remain with yourself - not perfect!
It is difficult to stay with the Other and yourself. To meet imperfection, to experience it, to be disappointed in it, to meet and accept the reality of the Other and the reality of oneself. Especially if feelings are off the charts. And they go off scale, since in a conflict everyone tries to prick the other in the Achilles' heel, since all the weak points of the partners over the years of life together are well known!
And then it is very difficult to stay in contact with the Other. Even Jung once noted that feelings and reason are located at different poles of the same straight line. In short, the more feelings are present at a given moment, the less reason there is….
It takes the ability to be in dialogue with the Other and in dialogue with others. The ability to meet, negotiate, find a compromise.
The aforementioned ability seems to be quite rare, and, in my opinion, is one of the most important criteria for personal maturity. More often, one can observe polar positions, the essence of which is ignoring the Other, or ignoring oneself. In the first case, it means behaving in a non-ecological way in relation to the Other (the path of a sociopath), in the second, it is non-ecological in relation to oneself (the path of a neurotic). Both are something about idealization and infantilism.
Quite a few marriage unions have not passed the test of reality and crashed into sharp corners of idealization, skillfully constructed by the infantilism of partners.
The path of the idealist - an unregulated hope for the existence of an ideal relationship, an ideal Other for me, my half, which must be sought, sometimes all my life.
The path of the mentally healthy, personally mature person - the ability to accept reality, the ability to negotiate, the ability to BE IN DIALOGUE.
To agree is to hear yourself and the Other and find a compromise.
And for this you need to stay, stop, stay, listen to yourself and the Other, try to understand what he wants and what you want. And here we must admit the idea that The other is what he is. He has the right to be who he is. And the purpose of his life is not to be for me and to be the way I want, the way I invented it! Notice the Other, look at him, discover his features, evaluate and accept them, accept his otherness, and not try to remake him. This is not easy, and for some it is unattainable. Often the whole life is not enough for this.
A similar thing happens in the intrapersonal space.
Here we can observe the same processes as in the interpersonal conflict. Only here we see a conflict not between I and the Other, but between I and I, a conflict between two parts of I. One of which is identified with the I, and the other with the non-I, is not accepted by the I. The most common conflicts within the I are conflicts between I-want and I-must and I-want and I-want.
I want to rest. To be idle, not to be responsible for anything … I have to work, grow professionally, achieve success … I want to eat chocolates, cakes and I want to be thin and slender.
Each of the parts has the right to vote, for each there is some important need. The unacceptable, unrecognized, rejected part will demand attention-recognition and in various ways break through to the psychic scene of life. Often he will do it indirectly, by workarounds. Break through, disguising herself as mental and somatic symptoms, unexpected actions, accidents … She will take revenge …
How to be here?
And here the same principle of dialogue will work - intrapersonal dialogue. The same processes-stages as in the case of an interpersonal conflict:
To notice - to realize - to recognize the need - to accept - to allow to be - to find a compromise - to agree
It is very important to understand that everything that is in me is important and necessary. There is nothing superfluous, there is no good or bad. The "surgical" attitude is unacceptable and even harmful here. Acceptable and useful is the "holistic" attitude with the acceptance of the idea of the importance and necessity of everything that is given to me.
And for dessert, a somewhat unusual and less common (in contrast to the widely known) parable of two halves … I would say that this parable is for psychologically mature people, while the traditional one is for idealists.
The parable of the two halves
The philosopher threw an apple in his palm, turned it around, looking from different sides, and said thoughtfully:
“People think their souls are like apples.
- In terms of? - his student became interested.
- More precisely, halves, - corrected the philosopher. That's about it. He carefully cut the apple in two and laid it on the table. They have such a belief that there is a perfect match for every person.
It seems that God, before sending souls into the world, cuts them in half, into male and female halves. Like an apple. So these halves wander, looking for each other. And find? How do you imagine it? What is the likelihood of such a meeting? Do you know how many people there are in the world?
- A lot of.
- That's it. And besides … well, they will find each other, and what next? Do you think they will make a whole apple and live in peace and harmony?
- Well yes. Isn't that so? - the Pupil was surprised.
- No not like this.
The teacher took half an apple in his hands and raised them to his face:
- Here are two fresh souls descend into the world. What does the world do with human souls? The philosopher with a crunch bit off a piece from one half. “The world,” he continued with a full mouth, “is not static. And cruel. He grinds everything for himself. One way or another. Cuts off piece by piece, or bites off, or even grinds into baby puree. He took a bite of the other half and paused for a while, chewing.
The apprentice stared at the two stubs and swallowed nervously.
“And so,” the Philosopher solemnly proclaimed, “they are meeting! … he connected the bitten halves. - And what, they fit together? …… NO !!!
- And now look here, - the Teacher took a few more apples. - We cut each in half, put two halves from different apples at random - and what do we see?
“They don't fit,” the Apprentice nodded.
- Look further. Putting two different halves together, he bit simultaneously on one side and on the other and demonstrated the result.
- Well, what do we see? Do they pair now?
- Yes, - the student nodded thoughtfully. - Now they match perfectly. - Because the world bit them not one by one, but together!
People who love each other become one whole: together they enjoy life and together take the blows of fate, learn to understand each other perfectly, support each other and push to achieve success. And over time, some couples adopt even habits from each other, become similar characters and harmoniously complement each other … Second halves are not born, but become.
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