2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Being kind, caring and helping others is what parents, teachers and signs on public transport urge us to do from childhood. But is kindness and care, the main attributes of a community of people, always useful and needed?
In my psychological practice, I often come across the so-called People Pleaser ("man-pleaser", "man-sycophant"). How and why does it happen that always saying “yes”, no matter what you are asked about, becomes destructive not only for the person himself, but also for those around him? Why do people-pleasers have so much motivation for fail-safe good? How to overcome this?
1. How does the development of a human pleaser
Most often, these people are called good-natured (and sometimes spineless). The soul of the company. Trouble-free. Nothing bad can be said about them. These people were brought up in a family in which there was a ban on genuine emotions. They were not allowed to be angry, to express aggression - the parents could reward for this with a cold and piercing look or even ignorance. Acceptance and love had to be earned from a strict father or mother. Although it is not necessary for a father or mother to be strict, it is enough not to show your real emotions. People Pleaser were brought up in families where love had to be bought, and the price of this purchase was to give up their own feelings and desires. There is only one desire - the desire of an authoritative adult.
“In order to survive, you have to be different, otherwise the pain reaches a limit that cannot be sustained,” says one client.
These people were told in childhood: "What a fine fellow you are that you have given way!" or "What a fine fellow you are for helping your father or mother!" Social approval becomes a goal, and relationships become a means to achieve that goal. They are excellent candidates for helping professions, as well as for various religious groups.
2. These people live with a constant feeling that something is expected of them
This is how the family was formed. A relationship in which true love and care is bought leads to anxiety and fear of not living up to expectations. Since childhood, a person has lived in constant tension, uncertainty - he was manipulated. These same fears and anxieties have become a kind of alter ego with their own voice: "Do you see how bad the other is?.. How can you help him?.. Why are you not doing anything?!.. How can you!.." they are not asked to help, but people who are pleasing still help. They do not act on the basis of their past experience of interaction, do not live in real relationships. Perhaps this is what the words of the song are about “ People Pleaser "by the Korn group:
I understand now, How hard it is for me to live
Satisfying everyone
When the soul has been dead for a long time.
3. They are afraid of not living up to other people's expectations
Living for a long time in the "pleasantness for others" mode, people are used to expecting help and support from the saints. It becomes unbearable for “nice people” to fail to meet other people's expectations. The worst thing they fear is rejection. Therefore, they build for themselves a “mode of activity” with a focus on facial expressions, reactions of a partner, friend, lover, etc. “Nice people” eventually cease to be guided by themselves, their feelings. They put them aside for a while in order to gain attention and approval. Remember the serenade of the Marquis Ricardo, the suitor of Countess Diana from the movie "The Dog in the Manger": "Crown of creation, wondrous Diana, you are a creature in which there is NOT ONE flaw …"
4. “Nice people” build relationships with the opposite sex in the same way as relationships with their parents
In families of pleasant people, where one of the parents dominated, most often manipulation was not limited. It was important to strive to achieve praise and acceptance. In such relationships, feelings of guilt and false responsibility more often dominated.
One client says: "My mother always created an image of a suffering person who made me feel guilty and constantly wanting to help, to save."
These men, growing up, also try to "save" a woman when she does not ask for it. For example, they marry out of pity, and then are disappointed that their expectations were not met, and their actions were not appreciated. Such men turn into losers, who have nothing left to survive but to quietly take revenge - and then their Pandora's box of hidden grievances, fears, etc. opens.
5. It is important to think about what “nice people” get and how they create an image
Having created the image of a good-natured person, People Pleaser begins to work on this image. He is already expected to have such a scenario that cannot be violated. Otherwise, the film will have a completely different ending. How? The pleasing man does not know, but is afraid to find out. It is very difficult for such people to change the script, it is difficult to say "NO". They are afraid of losing approval and acceptance. This is where the irrational fear arises that they will never be able to find a relationship that will not force you to do what you do not want. Feelings of what it means to live and not live up to the expectations of others is not yet familiar, but there is already an understanding that there is another experience. But Pleasant People still don’t know how to get it.
6. What emotions do “nice people” experience?
Because they were not allowed to express their true emotions as children, this has shaped their lives with a double bottom: showing one thing and feeling the exact opposite. They had to “cook up anger, disappointment and resentment,” and the only pleasant feelings were to hear admiration for their actions. Losing this pleasant feeling of approval is like death, since there are no other pleasant emotions. And the mechanisms of “guilt-fear-resentment” will remain.
7. People Pleaser find it difficult to strike a balance between the motivation to please and the real need
Nice people confuse their own motivation to please and the real needs and expectations of people. The girl tells the young man that she lost her job (problem), how unfairly treated her (for a nice person, this is already a red light "Help me faster") and about the hopelessness in this situation ("this is my chance to get approval ", - said the saint). However, in reality, the girl simply talks about herself. It does not communicate the whole algorithm of actions that the "nice person" has built for himself. If for a girl this story is more likely to get emotional support and understanding, then for a "nice person" it is an opportunity to experience acceptance, approval.
8. People Pleaser's behavior is unpredictable in teamwork, especially in a managerial position
Very often, "nice people" become leaders of charitable organizations focused on helping people. This is their element. There is a huge field of opportunities to experience another experience of your value, or maybe a good feeding of your narcissistic part.
However, if a “nice person” is a leader, then he will most often be focused in his decisions not on justice, but on pleasing his superiors, while ignoring subordinates.
The character and courtesy of such leaders changes dramatically if they are not obeyed. They need subordinates as much as they benefit from the other person in the form of an increased sense of self-worth. For example, when business partners speak well of the achievements of a subordinate. The “agreeable leader” feels that the praise belongs primarily to him. It's easy for People Pleaser to change the source of praise. People don't count. The more authoritative the praise, the more variable the behavioral orientation. They keep their nose to the wind.
As you have noticed, the behavior patterns of "nice people" are destructive primarily for themselves, but also for those around them. Perhaps you recognized in the description of yourself or your partner.
What you need to learn from “nice people” to change:
- It is important to understand your motivation in actions.
- Understanding that unsuccessful relationships are a clue to change your attitudes about yourself, about others, and about life.
- Learn to say NO.
- Learn to listen to your feelings. Understand and follow your needs.
- Rule "STOP". It is important to learn to be pleasant to yourself by doing what is pleasant to you, do not worry about other people and demands from outside. As soon as the thought arises that you need to please someone, it is important to tell yourself STOP.
- Sign up for a consultation with a good psychologist.
By following these simple guidelines, you will see how your life will begin to be filled with joy and freedom
Illustration:
Recommended:
Your Own Life Or A Relay Race From Your Childhood? The Right To Your Life Or How To Escape From The Captivity Of Other People's Scripts
Do we ourselves, as adults and successful people, make decisions on our own? Why do we sometimes catch ourselves thinking: "I am now speaking like my mother"? Or at some point, we understand that the son repeats the fate of his grandfather, and so, for some reason, it is established in the family … Life scenarios and parental prescriptions - what impact do they have on our destiny?
How To Stop "fighting" With Your Mom And Start Living Your Life
In a previous publication, I wrote that the protracted struggle, which sometimes the relationship between a mother and her matured child turns into, takes a lot of energy and does not have a winner. Alas, such a struggle imperceptibly becomes a substitute for a full-fledged own life and drags on for years.
Checklist: 3 Signs You're Not Living Your Life
Good day, dear friends, after my publication of “Elena's Case”, my article on the site was viewed in three days by more than 1000 people. This suggests that for many people this is an actual problem. Therefore, in addition, I decided to compile a small checklist of three signs that indicate that a person most likely does not live by his desires, goals, but is trying to realize a life scenario written for him by someone else.
If You Are Not Happy With How Your Child Is Not Doing Something As Well As You Would Like
- "Mom, look how I painted!" - “Well, what did you draw? What couldn't have done better? " Or this: - "Mom, look how I'm doing!" - "So what. You can do your best. " I didn't want to write about such a seemingly hackneyed topic as the topic of high expectations from a child.
How To Live YOUR Life, Not The Life Of Your Parents
In the family system, all of its members are interconnected. And there is a place for everyone. For example, children are in front of their parents in order to be able to lean on them. The grandparents are behind the parents, and so on. The ancestors behind our backs support, give a sense of acceptance, security and strength.
