Revictimization: The Tendency To Be Re-abused

Source: void-hours.livejovoid_hours

I am a woman who has experienced sexual and other abuse as a child; As an adult, I have also experienced domestic violence and partner rape. As I began to recover, it occurred to me that much of what I had to experience in a violent relationship, I learned much earlier, as a child.

Although the myth that there is a certain type of people who is “attracted” to domestic and sexual violence is false and harmful, it is known that the risk of repeated sexual abuse is twice as high for people who are victims of child sexual abuse (1). [Results from the 2010 US National Sexual Violence Survey confirm this - void_hours]. For example, according to a study by Diana Russell, two thirds of women who experienced violent incest in childhood were then raped in adulthood (2).

This article examines the problem of revictimization, relying on both the specialized literature and my own experience, observations and conclusions. But this should not be taken as a generalization that only survivors of childhood abuse are subject to repeated rape and domestic abuse, or that child victims of sexual abuse and adults will necessarily be abused. Often, even children from stable and loving families in adulthood find themselves in a situation of domestic abuse. Not to mention the fact that absolutely anyone can be sexually assaulted. However, people with childhood experiences of abuse or sexual abuse become particularly vulnerable, and abusers often take advantage of this.

It is very important that victims of repeated violence do not see this as a reason to hate themselves and understand that this vulnerability is the result of serious injuries received without any fault on their part, which gives them the right and reason to treat themselves with care and compassion.

SEXUAL / OTHER CHILD VIOLENCE AND REPEATED VICTIMIZATION

Have you ever experienced sexual, physical, or emotional abuse as a child? Have you experienced similar treatment while growing up? Have you ever been in a relationship with a partner who would beat, rape, or otherwise bully you? If you answered yes, it is very possible that you, like many other victims of repeated abuse, are living with a "writing on your forehead" feeling, that you are "attracting" rapists, or even that you are a "natural victim."

One of the most unfortunate consequences of repeated abuse is that those affected by it begin to believe that because they are so often abused, the abuse is deserved. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fully shares and feeds this opinion. As Judith Herman writes:

“The phenomenon of re-victimization is undoubtedly real and requires great care in interpretation. For too long, the opinion of psychiatrists has been a reflection of the widespread ignorant public opinion that victims "are asking for trouble." The early concept of masochism and the later definition of addiction to trauma imply that victims themselves actively seek out situations of repetitive violence and derive satisfaction from them. This is almost never true. " (3)

So what is the reason for the phenomenon of re-victimization? Before moving on to the analysis of the reasons, I would like to remind you: these are not recommendations for how to blame yourself even more. Even if these factors make us more vulnerable to further abuse, the perpetrators, and only they, are responsible for the violence they commit.

SOME REASONS OF REPEATED VICTIMIZATION

The victim's personality is formed in an environment of early abuse. Children who are abused by those close to them become accustomed to equating love with abuse and sexual exploitation. They are not taught to establish safe and comfortable personal boundaries for themselves, and do not consider themselves to have freedom of choice. Their perceptions of themselves are so distorted that, even in the midst of extreme violence, they often do not consider such self-treatment to be wrong. It seems to them inevitable and, by and large, the price for love. Some women who were sexually abused during childhood may regard their sexuality as their only value. (4)

Compulsive desire to relive the trauma. Bessel van der Kolk writes, “Many traumatized people seem to compulsively place themselves in dangerous situations, the circumstances of which resemble the original trauma. Such a reproduction of the past, as a rule, is not perceived by them themselves as related to early traumatic experience. (5) Victims of rape and child abuse may create high-risk situations, not because they want to be abused again or in pain, but because of the need for a different, better outcome from a traumatic situation, or in order to to gain control of her.

It may also be due to the feeling that many victims of child abuse often feel they deserve the pain they are experiencing. Oftentimes, replaying a traumatic situation can be compulsive and involuntary. At the same time, the injured person may be in a state of numbness, completely unaware of what is happening to him. (6) In turn, this can evoke familiar childhood feelings of horror and shame, explains van der Kolk.

People who experience violence or neglect from an early age find this treatment inevitable in any relationship. They see the eternal helplessness of their mothers and the intermittent outbursts of love and violence from their fathers; they get used to the fact that they have no control over their lives. As adults, they try to fix the past with love, competence, and exemplary behavior. When they fail, they will most likely try to explain and accept the situation for themselves, finding reasons in themselves.

In addition, people without experience of nonviolent resolution of disagreements tend to expect perfect mutual understanding and perfect harmony from the relationship and feel a sense of helplessness because of the seeming uselessness of verbal communication. Returning to early coping mechanisms [coping or coping mechanism: personality adaptation mechanism in stressful situations - void_hours] - such as blaming oneself, dulling feelings (through emotional withdrawal or alcohol or drug abuse) and physical abuse lay the foundation for the repetition of childhood trauma and return repressed into the subconscious. (7)

Trauma effect. Some people may go through a range of violent relationships or be raped repeatedly. One of my friends was raped three times in two years. And her relative - repeating the usual accusations of the victim - grinning, asked me: “Why does she continue to substitute herself like that. It would seem that if she has gone through this once, one could learn to stay away from various scumbags. This demonstrates a complete misunderstanding of how trauma works: while some victims may become overly cautious with those around them, others as a result of trauma develop problems with accurate risk assessments. (8) In addition, questions like the one above absolve the perpetrator himself from all responsibility, who deliberately uses the trust of the traumatized person.

Traumatic attachment. Judith Herman writes that abused children often tend to become extremely attached to the very parents that hurt them. (9) Sexual abusers can exploit this tendency by giving their victim a sense of being loved and considered special, which she does not receive from anyone else. Bessel van der Kolk argues that abused and neglected people are especially prone to forming traumatic attachments to their abusers. It is this traumatic attachment that is often the reason that battered women seek excuses for violence from their partners and constantly return to them. (10)

REVIKTIMIZATION AND I

Unfortunately, the rape and beatings I endured as an adult were not new to me. Physical abuse by both of my parents from early childhood, repeated sexual abuse during childhood and early adolescence (by people who are not my relatives), and a complete lack of support or protection were an experience for me that I went through later. relationship.

I remember very well the moment when he hit me. He slapped me a sonorous slap in the face, and I, holding on to my swelling cheekbone, of course, felt just awful. But also on another, deeper level, I felt an inner response: something inside me seemed to fall into place. It was a sense of the correctness of what was happening, a confirmation of the everlasting feeling of my own worthlessness. The first time he raped me, I felt a similar - and extremely intense - feeling of meeting something intended for me.

Different people may have different experiences, but let me share with you some of the lessons I learned from my childhood that I think made me an easy target for an abusive partner:

• Belief that I am dirty and hopelessly flawed. The sexual abuse I suffered at a very early age, combined with what my parents said and did, left me feeling like I was naturally dirty. Judith Herman writes that abused and neglected children come to the conclusion - forced to conclude - that it was their innate depravity that caused the abuse - in order to maintain attachment to their hurting parents (11). By the time I was 18, when I met my abusive partner, this feeling that it was me - me, and not the abuser - that was bad and spoiled had been a part of me for a long time.

• Belief that I do not deserve protection. As someone who was a completely abandoned child, I remember how stupid and awkward I felt, complaining about the abuse suffered in subsequent relationships - after all, it was only me who was the victim. When I told my mother about the sexual abuse I had suffered at the age of 4, she replied that she did not want to hear anything about it. I concluded - and I remember thinking this - that if something bad happens to me, it doesn't matter. In short, I don't matter. And this conviction had a devastating effect on my future life.

• Belief that it is my own fault. Many people who have experienced physical or sexual abuse in childhood often hear, "You made me do it yourself," or "I wouldn't do it if you were better behaving." And we remember it and believe it when people keep hurting us.

• Belief that love involves pain. Love, beatings and rape were not mutually exclusive things for me. Even when I was so offended, felt so humiliated, I still believed that underneath it all might be some kind of love for me, and if I was good enough, I would get it. So I was told that I would be loved if I only tried hard, but somehow I was never good enough. By the time I grew up, in my mind, love was inextricably linked with violence.

When I was 13 years old, I was sexually assaulted by one particularly vile type. This was a man whose children I looked after, and who often said how much he loved me, how special and beautiful he considered me. Every time I resisted, he threatened to stop loving me: “Don't you want to be Uncle Bill's favorite girl? Don't you love Uncle Bill? And I was so hungry for love - I remember it as a period in my life when no one loved me, and this is by no means an exaggeration. I didn't want what he did to me, but I really wanted to be loved. And, like many abusers, he relied on this. I fantasized about other, more perfect forms of love, but I knew that for someone as naturally spoiled as me, these were just empty dreams. I was taught that that gentle, risk-free love that I so desperately needed was not for me. I thought that since my own parents cannot love me, how can I count on the love of someone else?

• Belief that sex is always violence and humiliation. For a period of time at the age of 4, I was daily oral raped, and when I was 8 years old, a close family friend began to rape me. This continued until I was 10 years old, and it was extremely painful and scary. This was my first sexual experience, and for a long time, this was what determined my perception of sex. I believed that childhood sexual abuse meant I was bad. And growing up did not affect this opinion in any way. The traumatized child in me believed that sex really should involve pain, humiliation, and a lack of freedom of choice for me. And this greatly influenced my reaction, or rather, the lack of reaction to the cruelty of my partner.

• Belief that I should always forgive the abuser, since his feelings are much more important than mine. Many abused children unconditionally forgive the offending adults - partly a manifestation of traumatic attachment, partly a tendency to blame themselves. And that doesn't change as you get older. When I was very little, I picked up my battered little body from the floor and went to my mother, who beat me. I constantly tried to show my daddy how much I love him - despite his obvious indifference and the fact that he constantly raised the bar, overcoming which I would supposedly deserve his love.

If Mommy cried and said that she didn't want to hurt me, I threw myself on her neck, cried with her and said that everything was fine. I remember my mother often said, "Louise, you have such a forgiving heart." And this unconditional forgiveness of the most terrible treatment, the most egregious betrayals, I transferred into my adult relationships. He hurt me - I felt sorry for him - and forgave him.

• Belief that I don't deserve anything better. I really thought that I was a cheap slut who simply didn’t qualify for better treatment. I was told that men do not respect "people like me" and that therefore any cruelty towards me is justified.

• Regression and return of the same perception of reality as in childhood. I believe that the sexual abuse I experienced as a child has had the biggest impact on my ability to assert my boundaries. How can a child say no to an adult? Some may argue, "but an adult can say no to another adult." Yes, but not when there are significant inequalities in power and position, especially based on fear of violence. And not in the case when you have firmly learned that your "no" is worthless. As a child, anyone who wanted to use me, and I had no opportunity to somehow change it. And even as I grew up, the right to choose was still an abstract absurdity for me.

• Traumatic attachment. Because the abuser alternates episodes of abuse with periods of good relationship, the victim of abuse develops a traumatic attachment to his tormentor (12). Sometimes, after another scandal or beatings, my partner consoled me - really tenderly and lovingly - and this for a while reconciled me with everything else, just like it happened in childhood. When I was a young woman in a difficult situation, I felt so small and sometimes just wanted to cuddle. And it seemed that he was the only one there to comfort me, even if he also hurt me.

As in childhood, the fact that my abuser was also my comforter did not matter. It was better than nothing. I just needed this contact. And this duality of the role of the offender and the comforter drove me even more into the trap of addiction.

• Incorrect risk assessment. Of course, we cannot blame abuse victims for failing to predict that the abuser will turn out to be a rapist. But in my case, there was a tendency to become attached to anyone who was friendly enough to me, and a belief that he should be a good person - even in cases where good treatment alternated with cruelty.

As a woman who lived in a violent relationship for a long time, returned to them again and again, sincerely loved and pitied her abuser, I learned a condescending attitude towards myself, listened to abusive assumptions about my mind, was awarded the epithets “abnormal” and “masochistic” - the latter from my psychiatrist, whom I told about my relationship. Many of us are familiar with these labels. The people who blame us do not understand that the layering of countless layers of traumatic experience can severely damage our ability to take care of ourselves, even to the extent that the untrained person would seem to be a simple exercise of common sense. Child abuse is really like a cancer: if left untreated, it can metastasize to other, possibly deadly, dangers - and to be honest, I'm lucky to have survived.

SOLUTIONS AND HEALING

Socially, it would be very beneficial to pay attention to signs that a child is being abused and offer early intervention and assistance to mitigate the negative consequences of the trauma in the future. Another important step will be to refuse to kick the victims of domestic violence and repeated rape, labeling them as “fools” and leaving them to their own devices, thereby proving them once again that they are worthless.

I think it was key for me in the healing process that I was at least familiar with the concept of caring, tender love - even if I didn’t consider myself worthy of it. Some people don't even know that such a thing exists, and I think I'm lucky because this knowledge at least gave me a starting point.

All the sad experiences of my childhood, and only the experiences of growing up that reinforced it, have never been able to stop me from growing into a woman who knows she doesn't deserve to be mistreated by other people. It was not my fault, and I was not bad, and now I can order to get the hell out of anyone who wants to harm me - I do not owe him anything, and last of all, my soul.

Could such a change in attitudes guarantee protection from rape? No. As long as rapists exist, we are all in danger, no matter what we think of ourselves. To say that you can be raped because of a low opinion of yourself is self-incrimination - again, it was the abuser who made the decision to take advantage of your insecurity. But I also believe that the lessening of self-loathing and the boundaries that come with healing make us less inclined to gratify disrespectful and even dangerous people.

Knowing that I deserve to be safe - that I do not deserve to be raped - means that I listen to my gut and keep abusive people away from me and thus reduce the likelihood, at least for now. moment to be abused. Sometimes our safety directly depends on how much we value it; healing means reshaping those behavioral patterns that cause us to neglect it.

I was healed. You can do this too, even if the damage done to you is very great. You deserve it. Truth. Time after time, you have not been abused because you deserved it. You have been traumatized, you have been set up, and others have profited from your misfortune. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please treat yourself with compassion - and have confidence in mine.

References

1. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

2. Cited in Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

3. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

4. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

6. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

8. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

9. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

11. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992

12. Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992