Experiences. How To Properly Support Loved Ones

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

Each of us in some periods of life needs the support of another person. Who do we go to when something happens that is hard to survive alone? To the closest people - friends and relatives. Unfortunately, most often, when trying to share a painful person, a person is faced not with the support that he needs so much, but with one of the following reactions of the interlocutor:

1. Interruption of emotions

It happens when it is very difficult for the interlocutor to be near a person who is experiencing difficult emotions - sadness, resentment, anger, disappointment, apathy, etc. And he tries with all his might to "pull" the sufferer into a resource state. For example, through a call to action.

- Stay calm and carry on! Stop whining!

- Let's go to the store now, buy you a new dress, go to a cafe and sit, you need to come to your senses!

An attentive observer of such consolations will notice that the main motive of the consoling person in this case is not at all to allow a person to live out his grief and go out into the resource. It's about getting back a friend as soon as possible, with whom it is fun and easy. After all, while he is in such a disassembled state, it is not clear what to do with him, such a situation even tires.

2. Pity instead of sympathy

-Oh, you are my poor, why are you so grief?

Pity is a priori recognition of the other as weaker. There is a degree of humiliation in pity, to feel it, you need to see that I am "okay" and the other is "not okay". She kind of informs the interlocutor: "Eh, you poor fellow, how did you get into such a mess?" and aside: "It's good that this did not happen to me." Pitying the other, we ignore his strength, focusing only on vulnerability.

Empathy is a recognition that you are familiar with the feelings that the interlocutor is experiencing, a manifestation of understanding and acceptance. In compassion, there is a lot of respect for the other, there is an affinity for the fact that we can experience similar experiences. Empathy says: "I know the feelings that you are experiencing now, and I am there."

3. Depreciation

When a person is afraid to face his emotions, which are somewhat similar to those experienced by the interlocutor, he can reduce their importance. Say, and there is nothing to talk about. Thus, protect yourself from possible pain. It occurs in people who, in general, are characterized by emotional coldness, as a way not to feel either their own emotions or those of others.

- Well, why are you so worried about nonsense? It would be something to be upset about!

- This is still nothing, but it could have been worse!

4. Verdicts and shortcuts

- And I told you right away that he was not worthy of you!

“This was not the right place to work for you.

- Apparently, it was not destiny …

An attempt to rationally explain what happened and also a way not to come into contact with feelings that a person is afraid not to withstand.

5. Tips

- What tears to shed? Go and tell him directly to his face what you think of him!

Advice is also a position from above, which translates: "You don't know how to cope with a problem, but I know, I'll teach you now." Sometimes advice can really help, it's important not to be overly intrusive. They work best when presented not as a guide to what to do, but as a story about your experience.

6. Negative assessment

- I don’t understand at all how you at your age could fall for this bait?

There is a clear rejection and condemnation here, which indicates that the person who was asked for help has a lot of his own emotions that he cannot cope with. Therefore, he is now not suitable for the role of support, he can only make it worse.

7. Search for the culprit

- Well, what are you worried about - it's your own fault!

- Who is to blame?

- You shouldn't have trusted an unfamiliar person! You will have a lesson for the future!

The search for the guilty is found in those people who find it difficult to take responsibility, they habitually look for some kind of external object on which to blame for what happened. And thus feel fine. Sometimes the search for the guilty looks like an attack on someone who is already having a hard time - and there are many factors at once. And the impossibility of compassion, and your own fear of meeting emotions and splashing out some of your experiences, perhaps for another reason.

8. Switching to your problems

- You are still lucky, but this happened to me!

- Sadly. And mine the other day did something like that …

It seems that the interlocutor for some reason is not ready to support, rather he himself needs to share his feelings. This can be either a general consumer attitude towards others, or a temporary lack of a resource.

Such reactions irritate the person who has trusted - they give me something quite different from what I asked for. If the irritation can be traced, after it comes a feeling of guilt - this person wants me well, and I am angry with him. You may also want to end the conversation and distance yourself so as not to hurt even more. And the sadness that you can't get what you need so badly. These are very natural reactions and you shouldn't blame yourself for them. Indeed, not all people can provide us with support, not everyone has the resource to do this.

Responsibility and self-care of each of us in such situations is to:

- Choose people who can provide exactly the support you need.

- Communicate what exactly you need from the person, and not just wait that he himself will guess.

- Timely distance yourself from those who, by their reactions, make you even worse.

What is the right support?

• As I wrote above, this is empathy. Recognition that a person is not easy now, respect for his feelings.
• The ability to be around when a person is experiencing. The fact that you can withstand his feelings and not collapse means that he will cope with them sooner or later.
• The ability to see not only vulnerability, but also the strength of a person, which is always there. Still seeing him equal, no matter what state he is in.
• Physical care - pouring tea, hugging, stroking the head. Sometimes you need to give a little parental care so that a person can feel support for himself in this.
• Accepting him for who he is, without judgment or judgment: "You have the right to feel what you feel."
• Give an opportunity to speak out to reduce the intensity of emotions.

Phrases to help express support correctly:

- I understand you. It's really hard.

- I know your feelings.

- I am near, you can count on me. Together we can handle it.

- Tell me in more detail what worries you the most?

Some people are closer to a business approach, they are looking for support in so that a loved one is imbued with the situation and helps to look for a way out of it together.

When people ask you for support, remember that you do not have to guess what exactly the person wants from you, you can simply ask about it:

- Tell me, how can I support you?

- How can I help you?

If, after reading this article, you realized that there are not very many people in your life who know how to support - do not despair! To begin with, you can try to talk about what exactly you need, what kind of reaction you expect. Sometimes this is enough for a loving person to learn how to respond correctly. If this method does not work, you can look for other people in your environment, perhaps not close enough yet, but who can give you support. Or turn to a psychologist - he professionally owns the ability to support in difficult situations.

What you should definitely not do is to withdraw into yourself, deciding that you do not need any support, you can handle it yourself. There is a lot of vulnerability, fear and pain behind this, not strength.

Ask for support and you will definitely find it!