THE IMPORTANCE OF WORKING WITH FEELINGS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

K. - I had a well-coordinated life, beloved husband and child. And then he returned. Now I’m just doing what I think about my past man. He brought up old feelings in me.

T. - What are these feelings?

K. - Passion, love. I didn’t have anyone like that with him. …

T. - How do you understand that you begin to feel passion for him?

K. - I'm starting to get hot here (points to my chest), my hands are getting warmer, my face is reddened, a lot of energy appears.

This man was present in the client's life in a rather specific way. We tried to act out the style of their joint interaction during the session. In the course of such an experiment, the woman realized that the passion that she recognized in herself when she saw her ex-partner and when she thought about him was in fact anger and irritation. If we worked at a rational level, we could still look for a very long time for the reason for such strong feelings and what happened with the previous partner, what is missing with my husband.

Perhaps the client would even decide to return to a man who is actually angry and annoyed. So evolutionarily laid down that feelings and emotions allow us to act according to different situations. Fear allows us to be saved in case of danger to life, anger - to protect our territory, etc. When a failure occurs, and we incorrectly recognize the signals of our body, undesirable consequences are possible. Children learn to correctly recognize their needs, feelings and emotions at an early age from adults. There are times when very protective parents will satisfy all the needs of the infant even before they are manifested.

For example, a child did not have time to want to eat, but he was already fed. It is highly likely that such children will have a poor ability to recognize even their basic needs. A good illustration is the well-known anecdote in which the mother calls her son home, and the boy asks: “Mom, am I already cold?”, The mother’s answer: “No, son, you want to eat”.

The opposite option, when the child has a need, but it is constantly frustrated, not satisfied by the parents. For example, a baby cries for a long time, begging for food, and the parents do not approach him, considering the cry just a whim. If this situation repeats itself several times, the baby may decide that it is better not to be hungry at all. So the sensitivity is frozen.

In adulthood, this person will most likely eat on a regular basis and not be very aware of when he is hungry and when he is not. Or, with less trauma, it’s just a long time to decide what you want - to eat cake or meat. These are our vital needs, and their correct satisfaction is extremely important for our health. But recognition of our feelings and emotions is equally important, which is well demonstrated by the example from practice described at the beginning.

We also learn to recognize emotions and feelings, our own and those around us, in early childhood. One of the most recent studies on this topic was published in 2015 by scientists from the Universities of York and Hertfordshire. Scientists observed communication between mothers and their children aged 10, 12, 16 and 20 months. After 4 years, when the children were 5-6 years old, scientists invited them for an interview. During the interviews, the children were read "strange stories" that presented situations of choice and moral dilemmas. As a result, it was determined that those babies whose mothers gave psychological comments when communicating with them in early childhood were more emotionally stable, better understood the meaning of stories, could explain the experiences of other people and the reason why they made certain decisions.

Parents often comment: "Your tummy hurts", "Your tooth is growing." At an older age, they explain to us where our heart hurts, and where the pain can be a signal of inflammation of the appendix. This gives us the opportunity to go to the right doctor or take the right pill, which is extremely important, as it saves health and life. But few explain: “I understand that you are angry with me, because I didn’t let you play with the socket”, or “look how the kids are laughing, they must be happy”. But such skills of distinguishing emotions are also necessary for us, as well as knowing where the appendix is. Otherwise, in adulthood, you can mistakenly choose a partner who causes anger, and not passion, as it seems.

Many of us were hurt because of the manifestation of our own emotions or, for example, could not understand how we felt in relation to a situation. In contact with the psychotherapist, a space is created in which the client learns to recognize his feelings and express them in a way that is safe for himself. The formed and strengthened skill is then much easier to transfer into everyday life.

* A practical example is provided with the consent of the client.