The Importance Of Living Bereavement

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“- Little fox, - said the fox to the fox, - you remember, please, that if it is hard for you, bad, sad, scary, if you are tired - you just stretch out your paw. And I will give you mine, wherever you are, even if there are other stars or everyone is walking on their heads. Because the sadness of one fox, divided into two foxes, is not scary at all. And when the other paw holds you by the paw - what difference does it make what else is there in the world?"

I. D. Farbarzhevich "Tales of a Little Fox".

From time to time, clients come to me with a frozen space inside their hearts and a dumb question in their eyes: "Why don't I feel anything?" Life boils under a thick layer of ice, which is forbidden to manifest itself in the outside world. It would seem that there is no sharp pain, sadness and longing … but there is no place for joy, surprise and curiosity either. There is only dullness, boredom, routine and regret for those times when access to feelings was still open and filled the days with life.

Most often this happens when a person in the past had a certain amount of "unmourned" losses and the process of grieving, as a necessary stage of parting with what was very important, was ignored by fear and attitudes: "This is not worth my tears", "Men do not cry "," I am strong and will not shed a tear "," It's a shame to cry "," I have no time for such trifles, "etc., locked deep inside with an iron lock and covered with ice crusts, like anesthesia from pain.

But grief is a natural human response to the loss of something or someone important, valuable, and meaningful. This mechanism of experiencing loss is originally embedded in us. And in order for a person to survive the loss non-destructively for himself, he must understand that grief itself and his suffering in him is normal, it is a natural part of life. You don't need to run away from him by pretending to be strong and omnipotent. It is important to allow yourself to look pain in the eye, to acknowledge its existence and the fact that the loss is real. Accept that it will never be the same as before. After all, in order to experience something, you need to experience it; to burn out, you need to grieve. There are no other options.

I remember how I myself, frozen, first came to my therapist. I remember how I warmed myself incredulously at his receiving and stable light and after some time allowed a stream of bitter tears to break through the ice dam. I mourned everything: youth and naivety, operations in the hospital, the death of my dad, the loss of friends, a dead dolphin, inept years spent, parting with guys, unrealized opportunities, different moments of childhood, the huge eyes of my beloved dog filled with pain, the loss of old meanings, betrayal of loved ones people, etc. For almost two years, every time I left the therapist's office with tears in my eyes, sometimes incredibly regretting that I once allowed myself to cry for the first time in the presence of another. And that now this stream was no longer able to stop. For months I did not feel relief - only pain: at first acute, then dull. At such moments, my lifeline was not only the support of the therapist, but also the parable about Solomon's ring:

“According to legend, King Solomon owned a ring on which the saying was engraved:“Everything passes”. In moments of grief and difficult experiences, Solomon looked at the inscription and calmed down. But one day such a misfortune happened that words of wisdom, instead of consoling, caused him a fit of rage. He tore the ring off his finger and threw it on the floor. When it rolled, Solomon suddenly saw that there was also some kind of inscription on the inside of the ring. Interested, he raised the ring and read the following: "This too will pass." Laughing bitterly, Solomon put on the ring and never parted with it again."

I learned to console myself "and this will also pass …", mentally hugging my little girl and swinging her on the arms and after some time suddenly began to notice the colors of the world around, feel a burning curiosity and interest, enjoy the moment "here and now", flow with rays of happiness and cozy warmth of love. The ocean of tears disappeared, making room for new feelings and experiences, making you feel alive again.

After all, sometimes the only condition in order to feel alive is to let the frozen pain out of oneself with salt water in the presence of another …