2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I confess to the terrible. I have a cache. It is not for gold bracelets and pearls. There are no stacks of money and a folder with compromising evidence. In a dark dead end, from behind the perfume bottles, an elegant bottle of Pepsi Cherri peeps out, paprika chips are my favorites, and a torn package that beckons with the smell of chocolate.
I hide all this stuff from my twelve-year-old son.
Stocks are replenished occasionally. And they dissolve slowly, delivering a viscous pleasure to the mistress of the cache …
An incomparable thrill - pulling chipsin from a rustling bag, quietly, without breathing, put it in your mouth. And through eyes half-closed with pleasure, to look into the next room, where dexterous fingers hastily put the same chips behind pink cheeks.
And no carve-up - "son, treat me, please", "I will eat two more and, I promise, I will not be any more", "that's it, this is definitely the last one!"
The wall of my secret zone is lined with comfort and the right to personal, not belonging to anyone, not even the most dear person in the world. Only my. Without childish sly comments: “Mom, you can't have a lot of crackers, you're on a diet”; “Half a chocolate bar ?! Why do you need to get fat!”; "Yes, Pepsi is sugar-free, but it tastes good too, it will work for me."
« Selfish!”, My grandmother would say, pursing her lips. She wouldn't go into details.
But I'm a psychologist - I'm used to looking at concepts under a microscope and trying them on for each specific situation. Let's figure it out.
The son always has everything and even more. At the age of 5, when he discovered the world of edible "harmfulness", the chances of spoiling my taste buds were drastically reduced. Small hands deftly removed every candy, marshmallow, waffle from my mouth. And even if he has a lot, then mom's always tastes better! My explanations, arguments and eloquent examples did not work.
One not the most beautiful winter evening, I found myself at the entrance, greedily picking nuts from a chocolate bar. So that the house is not taken away … It alarmed me. Somehow wrong I was trying to defend my personal boundaries. It was necessary to decide something.
This is how the idea for the cache was born. Now everything is in its place - both my boundaries and extra sugar doses for the child.
But I don't need to hide the seaweed and broccoli. Definitely will not take away!
What is wrong with choosing yourself without harming the other person and not forcibly restricting him in anything?
Psychologist against society
In society, the concept of "egoist" is tinged with a shade of indecent. This is the name of a narcissistic person, indifferent to the needs and feelings of other people.
In psychotherapy and counseling, I do not use this word because it is not a psychological term. For me, "egoists" do not exist. Therefore, in the future I will use this word in quotes.
I argue with society at the risk of being bombarded with dirty snowballs. I have an official statement:
Dear Society, you are confused! Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the behavior of a person who is good at taking care of themselves. And also here - the habit of some people to use others, to shift their responsibility onto them. And when those who were using make their boundaries tighter, then the “users” become uncomfortable. They get angry at their discomfort and accuse those they no longer can use for selfishness
What is the difference between these concepts?
Ego(from the Greek. "I") - this is the rational part of the personality, which is responsible for our abilities: to make decisions, choose, act. At the same time, we are aware of our needs and desires. Everything is simple here. You decided that you need a new phone> go to the store> choose a model> buy.
Also, the ego function is responsible for our no. When we can give up on time what we do not need or not useful. If Babgal’s neighbor is not pleasant to you, then you don’t go to visit her and do not discuss neighbor Borya with her on the landing. You say no to your contact and limit yourself to just a dry hello.
If the ego function is normal, then the person knows what he wants, does not hesitate for a long time. And if you made the wrong choice, then you do not exhaust yourself with regrets and self-accusations, but draw conclusions, correct the mistake. This method of contact with the world and with oneself is characterized as the ability to take care of oneself.
Narcissistic personalityIs a person with high self-esteem who maintains self-esteem through external confirmation. The sense of self-importance in narcissists is blown up to the sky. They do not notice and do not take into account the interests and feelings of other people. Narcissists do not know how to build close relationships, because this process involves mutual exchange. And they want a lot for themselves, not giving back to their partner.
Remember Kai's ice heart from the Snow Queen fairy tale? And Gerda's confusion from the inability to approach him? With narcissists, you feel the same way. Their emotions are frozen. But unlike the fairytale hero, love cannot warm them up. They have one love and for life - for themselves.
Narcissists use the people around them as a function to satisfy their own comfort.
The above-described personalities are called "egoists". But such characteristics have nothing to do with the EGO and its functions.
We are all "selfish"
If this definition is used incorrectly, then all of us, without exception, can be called “egoists”.
Do you know why?
Everything we do for others - we do primarily in order to satisfy our own psychological needs. Often unconscious.
Like this?
Let me explain with examples, for this I invite you to look into my office.
Olya:
- Every time the same thing is repeated! For my friends, I'm like a mom. I take care of them, I worry, I help to solve problems, they consult with me. Why is that? Why do I do this all the time? I'll do it, and after that I already understand - well, here it is again! And it's not that I'm against helping my friends, but with that I’m too much. I'm not a mom! I don't even have children of my own yet, and my friends are not children, but friends.
- And what happens inside you, what sensations do you experience when they turn to you, when you help and care?
For a minute Olya looked through me, then straightened her shoulders and smiled:
- I feel needed, important, valuable. But this is somehow not on purpose, subconsciously, or something …
- Olya, you feel needed, important, valuable. This is the answer to your question "why".
Kirill
- I will never save up for an apartment! Relatives and friends constantly borrow money from me. And not always, by the way. To tell the truth, they almost never give it back … I seem to understand that the tap should have been closed a long time ago, but every time it somehow works out - again I give money.
- What thoughts do you have at the moment when you give money?
- It seems like they need it more now … And I always believe that they will give it back. Sad experience does not teach me anything, - Kirill rubbed his face with his palms, - how is that? Why am I doing this?
- Try now to remember one of these situations and listen to yourself. What are you when they ask, and you give?
- Having achieved something in life. Big and kind. Noble. I can!
- Cyril, you do this because you feel that you have achieved something in life, kind and noble. You call it yourself, hear yourself.
“Hmm… I didn't think that way.
Considering these two patterns of behavior, one can argue - well, what kind of "egoists" they are! Olya and Kirill are good, they are everything for people! Exactly, but to the detriment of yourself …
When it is convenient for others, but not comfortable for oneself, this suggests that the EGO function makes the wrong choice.
These two client stories have a sequel. In the process of psychotherapy, Olya learned to value herself, not relying on feedback from others. And say no when its boundaries were violated. She did it. Not all friends liked the "new" Olya. Guess what the users called it before they drifted away? That's right: "You've become selfish!"Those friends for whom Olya was important remained nearby. You just need it because it's Olya, not because it's useful.
With Kirill, we worked through his childhood story, in which he is used to proving to his parents that he can and is capable. Childhood is over, parents have not asked for it for a long time, but the habit has remained. Now Kirill proves to only one person - himself. He did not stop helping, but he no longer allows himself to be used. I bought an apartment. True, his aunt did not like it: “I became an egoist! I bought myself an apartment, but didn't help my sister finish building the house …”.
I, as a mother, found a way to keep my boundaries intact, without prejudice to the needs of the child. Olya increased her self-esteem without harming anyone. Cyril appropriated his sense of dignity without giving away money. Are we "selfish"? Friends, decide for yourself. And be a little selfish - good for your health!
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