Single Women And Their Children "for Themselves"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is not always possible for a woman to build a relationship with a man and give birth to a child from him. But the desire to give birth and raise a child can be so strong that a woman can find options on how to do it. And they can be different. From a random man (of course, there is a certain risk here), from a man with whom she barely knows, from a man with whom she is in a relationship, as a rule, for a short time. In the latter version, leaving a man is accompanied by phrases about distrust of men, about disappointment in them. A man, as a rule, having fulfilled the function of "inseminator", is no longer needed by such a woman. And her main message is: “I myself will raise my child! I don't need a man for this. We are fine without him. We can live without him."

Where does such a woman's need to raise a child for herself come from?

I probably won't surprise you to say that the roots of this come from the childhood of a woman who was raised by narcissistic parents. As a rule, the mother of such a woman did not have a loving, trusting, sexual relationship with a man and used her child as an object to satisfy her needs. She needs a child in order to be a plaster for her narcissistic wounds. An unbearable burden is placed on the child in such a relationship - he must compensate for her lack in a man or even replace him.

Even before conception, such a woman imagines the child as her continuation, which can be used for her own purposes in order to feel special. Some women during pregnancy are too absorbed in their appearance, their health, a sense of comfort, while others have the idea that "my baby should be the best, and everything should be the best for him." The narcissistic mother is more attached to the image of her child than to herself.

"A future narcissistic mother may be either too distant or too involved in the pregnancy situation, but in any case she is absorbed in her own experiences, and not focused on the child who will soon appear in this world from her body." S. Hotchkis

When a narcissistic mother has a child, he looks at her with love, reacts to her every touch, to her smell, the sounds of her voice, and she responds in kind. No other person in this world will make her feel so significant and special. No person belonged to her as much as he did. The mother begins to merge with the child. But the child grows, develops, learns the world, begins to move away from the mother. She begins with all her might to attract him to her, not allowing him to leave the symbiotic relationship. She is driven by the fear of losing this connection.

One way to maintain this connection is to maintain a sense of omnipotence in the child. The second way is to build such a relationship with the child so that he does not need a partner in the future, that is, to propagate to the child that his mother is the best, that he does not need anyone else. Some mothers transfer their relationship with their children to bed.

“I'm 26, I live with my mother in a one-room apartment. All my life she raised me alone. Since childhood, she always walked with me in underwear, I liked going to the shops with my mother and watching my mother choose her underwear. As a teenager, I began to fantasize about my mother. This resulted in the fact that I was very jealous of my mother for other men. When she brought one man to our apartment, I asked my mother to leave, so that she would not sleep with this man, but only with me, and every day I told her about it. Then she still broke up with him. We started sleeping with my mother together."

This destructive and vivid example perfectly illustrates how the relationship between a narcissistic mother and her already matured son is built. You can observe how a mother in this relationship satisfies her sexual needs at the expense of her child, ranging from joint purchases of underwear and its demonstration to incestuous relationships in bed. Such a child has practically no chance of separating from his mother, getting out of this symbiotic relationship and building normal relationships with girls. This young man is emotionally and psychologically dependent on his mother.

A narcissistic mother makes “adult” demands on her child, since one of her desires is that the child grows up faster and learns to behave “like an adult”. In other words, the child in this relationship becomes for such a mother an Adult or Parent who “must” heal the wounds of her childhood, satisfying her needs.

The children of such mothers, as a rule, have great difficulties in building love relationships. They feel unhappy and responsible for the life and happiness of their mothers, dependent on them. In such relationships, there is no image of the father as such, the image of the "third" in the relationship. The child perceives this relationship as "mother + child". Moreover, mothers in every possible way try to convey to their children (this often applies to daughters) that men cannot be trusted, that they are selfish, they can take advantage of them. If a girl still tries to build relationships with men and fails over and over again, her mother's theory that men are just like that is confirmed.

The relationship "mother + child" is a relationship where ALL love of a daughter or son is directed to the mother, and she no longer remains on the relationship with a man / woman. And if it does, then only a small part. In other words, a man or woman does not have enough resources to love and build a relationship with another person.

Is there a way out of this symbiosis between mother and child? The answer to this question is McDougall's statement: “If a mother wants her child to develop mentally, she must follow his desires, and he must not serve her sexual desires. And for this she must love and be loved by the child's father."