2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Communicating with a teenager reminds me of a fight without rules in a minefield: if the enemy does not kill you, you will be blown up by taking one wrong step. I am not a child psychologist or an expert in this area. I'm just a teenage mom. And I write this text not as a specialist, but as a mother. Despite the fact that I was very lucky with my son, we, too, did not escape the quest called "to grow and not to kill." One step forward, two steps back, turn.
Hundreds of books have been written about why teenagers behave the way they do. More books have been written about how parents should behave in order to understand why teenagers behave the way they do. Well you get the idea J
The bottom line is that adolescence just needs to be lived through. Like the inevitable snow in winter, like the change of seasons, like the rising and setting of the sun. There is nothing you can do - the child grows and develops, going through all the stages of growing up. His hormones are not just driving you crazy - they are driving him crazy. New body, new sensations, new experiences, new boundaries - anyone will go crazy.
Now add to this not only a changing body and worldview, but also a developing brain. Have you presented? Recently, my neighbor in anger yelled at the whole village: "The ass has grown, but the understanding is not!" - and he was right. "Understanding" is really finally formed somewhere around the age of 25. Therefore, before indignantly shouting to a teenager: "don't you understand ?!" of the consequences, part of the brain has not yet formed.
What to do? Relax and try to stay friends. Your only task in this difficult period is to establish communication, maintain closeness, trust and mutual understanding.
From my experience, there are several categories that adolescent behavior fits into growing up:
They tried it themselves, but they don't give me anything
If you savor stories about gay students, but forbid your child to drink, smoke, and go on dates, he will not understand you. I understand you perfectly well. You have tried, made conclusions and you want the child to avoid your mistakes. But to your teen, it sounds like a ban on personal experiences. I also do not want my son to smoke and abuse alcohol. Therefore, I honestly told him about my experience and my conclusions. Believe me, our children are no more stupid than us. Let them make their own choices.
Envy
If you are a successful businessman, and from the age of 14, you have been earning your living, it will be difficult for your child to keep up with you. He doesn't believe in his ability to meet your expectations. So not only low self-esteem is born. This is how envy is born. If you have a model appearance, and your daughter is fat, then her admiration for your beauty goes hand in hand with hatred. If you are the soul of the company, and your son is embarrassed to even talk to a girl, this also causes dislike. Explain to your child that he does not have to be your clone, that you love him for who he is, that each person has his own value. Explain and repeat a hundred times a day. Adolescents have a short memory and a vulnerable soul. Their self-esteem needs constant replenishment, and even when it seems that they are not listening to you, in fact, they catch your every word.
Disgust
This is the flip side of envy - “I don’t want to, as you are.” Do not hesitate, the teenager sees all your weaknesses and mistakes and will not hesitate to tell you about it. Children are cruel in their categorical nature - this is a fact. Therefore, talk openly with your children about your mistakes. “Yes, baby, I didn't have a good relationship with your father. We both made mistakes that you can avoid. Don't try to save face. Your strength lies in vulnerability and candor. Your teen may not be able to appreciate it right now, but in the future he will be grateful to you.
Irritation
Think back to yourself at this age. The authority and omniscience of the parents is annoying. This is a normal period of growing up. Stop measuring your strength. Your child has no doubts about your authority. He's just trying it out. And the only way to keep a teenager from serious mistakes is to remain for him not a warden and jailer, but the person whom he can trust not only with his victories, but also his doubts, defeats and stupid blunders.
Love your children and let them have their own experiences. Believe me, I know how difficult it is, but you have no other choice. This is part of the deal you made as a parent. Don't lose your temper and don't forget to live your own life. Good luck!
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