CONVERSATIONS WITH EMMA 4: TODAY IS NOT LIKE YESTERDAY

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Emma did not come to consultations for almost a month, she read smart books, thought, analyzed, wrote letters that no one else had read, sang loudly, sitting in the car, often and for a long time looked at the sky … Emma learned to live alone. "What thoughts did you come with today?" I asked. Emma's face showed no emotion, after a little pause, she replied: “I don't know what happened during this time, but I like to be alone. Feel absolute freedom in everything and everywhere. I arranged my life differently, began to devote more time to myself. I can't say it never hurts, no. Sometimes sadness rolls over, the motives of which cannot be explained. Sometimes tears flow in streams from my eyes and nights without sleep periodically also happen, however, it's okay to be alone, as it turned out, no, moreover, I found a lot of advantages in it."

Listening, I was amazed at how quickly she migrated to the opposite pole. Being codependent in a past relationship, living with a dependent partner (a very painful mixture for both is when the addict is possessed by some addiction, and the codependent devotes all his life and energy to saving the partner), Emma now found solace in the minus sign - in denial of the relationship generally. I was not happy with such changes, because extracting a patient from a "beloved" loneliness is no easier than extracting a patient from a codependent relationship. Any contacts, even friendly ones, with men, Emma now categorically rejected! This behavior was reflected in the physiological needs - her libido went into the negative too. However, Emma was more pleased with such changes than intimidated. For her, reluctance to continue to deal with men was associated with complete freedom and created an aura of protection from pain.

"What's next, Emma?" I asked her. “What are you planning to direct your attention and strength to? What else pleases you, because the pure satisfaction of loneliness may be short-lived? " Emma still "did not turn on", looked detached, listened without interest. My assumptions were justified, she hid deeply from the world, she automatically did her current affairs, floated with the flow of life without a definite direction and meaning. Being an adherent of Buddhist philosophy, on the one hand, I welcomed such a pacification, sometimes, when you don't know what to do, it is better to do nothing at all, merge resignedly with the world and become “empty”. But, if in this process to be unconscious, then the ego, defeated by "emptiness", will require filling. These fillers, in the worst case, can be - alcohol, nicotine, drugs, promiscuous relationships; at best - going headlong into a religion or some kind of teaching, group, brotherhood. Sooner or later the moment will come when a person wants to lean on someone or something. Since Emma has put a taboo on relations with a man, she will definitely not choose the "wedge by wedge" option, it was her standard way out in the past, and we have already worked out this scheme. We can only guess what Emma will want to grab onto. "Tell me, these days that you describe, have there been times when you wanted to drink or smoke, for example?" I asked. Suddenly my interlocutor perked up and averted her eyes guiltily. “Why do I look so bad? You probably noticed … Yes, I recently drank almost a bottle of cognac myself, but for a week I felt bad for a week, I even took sick leave … I generally don't drink anything stronger than wine and champagne, and even then in small quantities. After this incident, I realized that alcohol is not my assistant. When I felt better, I decided to start smoking again (I quit a long time ago), and now it happens on some days I smoke, but this is not systemic, however, I feel that the desire to take a cigarette visits more and more often, it makes me very upset. I understand that from one addiction (relationship) I switch to another, but cigarettes calm me down a little and relax my mind. I'm tired of analyzing everything, working on my mistakes, listening to inspiring trainings about success! I'm tired of everything! I'm tired of even living! " Emma burst out and began to cry. I gave her the opportunity to recover and during this time I reflected on the questions that should be asked to her in order to arouse interest in life at least a little. It was not an easy task …

"Tell me, dear, what desires you have at the moment, maybe some spontaneous ones that will arise right now, maybe from distant childhood or youth, maybe even a little ridiculous or funny, try to voice at least some" - suggested I. Emma no longer cried, but she looked like a little girl who was cornered, she was extremely confused and helpless, her gaze wandered around the room in search of at least some desire or a hint that she was still capable of wanting something …

“I don’t know… now I only want peace and solitude, which I give myself in my loneliness. From childhood … nothing comes to mind, maybe it's something insignificant - a new dress, a doll. In my youth - I wanted to please all the boys. In the period of maturity - I longed for success and material stability. Now … now I want to be accepted for who I am and for a man to love me with unconditional love, if he ever appears in my life this man … "- Emma smiled, but after a moment she returned to her previous state" nothing not wanting."

"Why don't you go back to childhood now and make the gift you dreamed of?" I asked: “A new dress for a girl of any age is always a great idea, isn't it? As for the point "to please all the boys" - maybe you will try to please yourself, literally every day, starting tomorrow morning, look at yourself in the mirror, smile and like! And success and unconditional love will appear automatically if you accept yourself as you are and love no matter what, right? Emma nodded hopefully. In small timid steps, she emerged from her hiding place. A glimmer of interest appeared in her eyes, either to a new dress, or to the fact that she will finally be pleased with herself, or the hope that all is not yet lost and she is worthy of happiness. I decided to talk about this already at the next session, our time was coming to an end and we both felt tired. In me, the current state of Emma was somehow strongly mirrored, I also experienced similar periods and knew what great efforts each small step into a NEW life costs, each discovery of MYSELF to myself, each unconditional ACCEPTANCE.

And, yes, after work, I briskly went to the store for a new dress, because every woman, even the saddest woman, wants to be a beautiful and cheerful girl:)

To be continued…