2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Already, probably, it is no secret to anyone that the guilt is real, when a person has done something bad, and neurotic (inspired by someone, often close people).
As you know, it is easy to "twist ropes" out of a guilty person, that is, to manipulate in their own interests.
Here are the most common manipulative phrases, the purpose of which is to instill a sense of guilt in the interlocutor and make him "dance to his tune."
Wife to husband:
"How, are you going to buy yourself a new suit? But I'm saving on myself, everything to the house, everything to the children. I don't remember when I put on a new dress."
Mother-in-law to son:
“I don’t like that your wife rides a taxi, spends family money. Here I am, though old and sick, but I go by transport.”
Husband to wife:
"You don't love me. If you did, you would spend more time with me."
Daughter's mother:
"Selfish, you don't think about your mother at all. You have to ask your neighbor to help you with the housework."
Wife to husband:
"You earn little, my friends travel the seas, and I sit at home like in a cage."
People's: "Help another. You too can be in his place."
Personally, I have nothing against reasonable help. But if its provision begins to cause internal protest, to divert resources from the main plans, then the amount of effort given to the side should be reconsidered.
Often such an internal unsettled mismatch leads to nervous exhaustion, depression, psychosomatics, anxiety-phobic disorders.
Working through neurotic guilt allows you to extinguish internal conflict and restore peace of mind.
Someone who manipulates guilt wants to shift responsibility for their emotional state onto you and force you to live by your own rules.
How should you build a dialogue with such manipulators? 1. Try to understand how well-founded the claims, accusations, claims, complaints of the other party are. 2. Consider what is the secondary benefit of the prosecutor? Maybe he finds fault, tk. does he lack attention? 3. Try to bring your counterarguments through the I-message ("I think, in my opinion …"). 4. Mark the boundaries. 5. If you have already set boundaries, be firm and consistent.
Wife to husband:
"How, are you going to buy yourself a new suit? But I'm saving on myself, everything to the house, everything to the children. I don't remember when I put on a new dress."
Your counter-argument: "Honey, I think it's time to take care of yourself. Buy a dress. I'll gladly give you money."
Mother-in-law to son:
“I don’t like that your wife rides a taxi, spends family money. Here I am, though old and sick, but I go by transport.”
Your counterargument: "Mom, don't worry. This is my area of responsibility. If you want, you can also take a taxi. I can pay for you."
Husband to wife:
"You don't love me. If you did, you would spend more time with me."
Your counterargument: "Darling, I will gladly spend more time with you. Then let's think about what we will have to sacrifice if I leave work?"
Daughter's mother:
"Selfish, you don't think about your mother at all. You have to ask your neighbor to help you with the housework."
Your counterargument: "Mom, I can only help you once a week. I have a lot of work and my own family. If I go to bed, then you will have no one besides a neighbor."
Wife to husband:
"You earn little, my friends travel the seas, and I sit at home like in a cage."
Your counterargument: "Honey, I think you need to go to work, then we can save more money for travel, and you’ll wither yourself."
There is another way to neutralize manipulation, which may seem tough - to mirror it, use his own weapon against the manipulator.
Probably everyone remembers the fairy tale about the fox and the wolf, where the wolf accuses the fox: "Because of you I was beaten!"
And the cunning fox answered: "You were just beaten, but I have something wrong with my head! Have pity on me, Gray, help me get home."
The wolf took pity on the fox and carried it.
That is, when a person begins to complain to you about his plight, you also begin to dramatize your situation:
"As I understand you! I myself am now in a very difficult situation."
Another common manipulation of guilt is: "I sacrificed so much for you! And you? Ungrateful!"
In order not to get bogged down in guilt, it is necessary to understand that no matter what a person does in this life, he does it for himself: he gets married, has children, is engaged in charity work, and even endures abusive relationships. Everyone in this life is himself responsible for his decisions.
Still, a person often feels the greatest guilt in front of his children. So, one man lived in two families at the same time, his children grew up in both families. There was a feeling of guilt that he was with them only in fits and starts, that he could not fully devote himself to their upbringing. But here we are no longer talking about neurotic guilt, but about life circumstances.
You cannot completely get rid of this guilt, but you can reconsider your contribution to the upbringing of children. After all, it is not the amount of time spent with the father that matters, but the quality. It is very important in what relationship the husband and wife remained after the divorce, whether the child feels abandoned or, even after the divorce, feels the support of the father that, if something happens, you can rely on him.
A person who falls into the funnel of neurotic guilt becomes a participant in the Karpman triangle, where from the role of a rescuer he can move into the role of an aggressor and victim.
Constant stay in a state of guilt makes a person again and again sacrifice his interests in the name of others, forgetting about himself.
This state of heightened responsibility, debt creates a lot of stress and can even turn out to be fatal.
This is why guilt manipulation should not be overlooked. If you feel guilty all the time, then it is better to work out the guilt with a psychologist.
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