Attachment Theory

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why does someone like good and stable people, while someone falls in love only with bitches and womanizers?

Why are some able to easily experience parting, while for others it becomes a universal problem? ⠀

Why does someone fall in love easily and quickly get married, while someone remains a bachelor for the rest of their lives and is afraid to build close relationships? ⠀

Why do many of us build relationships according to the same scenario and cannot get out of it in any way, each time getting into an addictive or destructive relationship? ⠀

Because each of us has a different type of attachment. It is he who makes us choose one or another style of relationship and a certain type of partners. ⠀

Our attachment model is formed in early childhood and is very dependent on the behavior of the mother. The child cannot get out of the relationship with his parent and choose another for himself, so he has to adapt to the style of behavior that the adult demonstrates to him. And parents behave very differently. ⠀

Some grew up in a loving and stable atmosphere, while others spent their entire childhood in a nursery. Some were brought up by an inadequate grandmother, someone grew up in a family of alcoholics, or even ended up in an orphanage. Each of us forms his own type of attachment, and in the future we transfer this type of attachment to society - according to the same parameters, our relations with peers are built, and then - with partners in relationships. And the closer our relationship with people, the more vividly our children's habits and emotional reactions manifest themselves. ⠀

There are 4 types of attachment in total, but in different sources you can find different names for these four models. ⠀

I will use the classification of psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz, who believed that each model of attachment consists of 2 parts: the image of others (the idea of the object of attachment) and the image of oneself as worthy of the interest of others. That is, our types of attachment directly depend on our self-esteem, as well as on how we perceive a partner - better than ourselves, worse or equal. ⠀

So, attachment happens: ⠀

- Reliable. Characterized by a positive image of oneself and a positive image of others (I am super, you are super). ⠀

- Alarming. Characterized by a negative image of oneself and a positive image of others (I am not very, you are super). ⠀

- Avoiding-rejecting. Characterized by a positive image of oneself and a negative image of others (I am super, you are not so). ⠀

- Anxious-avoidant. Characterized by a negative image of oneself and a negative image of others (I am not very, you are not very). ⠀

From these models, it is already easy to guess how people with a certain type of attachment create relationships. ⠀

People with a secure attachment type are most often looking for a couple with the same attachment type. Both think they are super, their relationship is stable and harmonious. ⠀

People with an anxious attachment type are often subconsciously drawn to people with avoidant-rejection attachments. This is a very difficult, painful, often addictive relationship. People in them often suffer, but cannot part. The very case when it is both bad and apart is impossible. The anxious type in such relationships often plays the role of the victim, and the avoidant-rejecting type often plays the role of the tyrant. ⠀

People with anxious-avoidant attachment type are the most difficult type, as they have high levels of both anxiety and avoidance. They want a relationship and at the same time are afraid of it. They show in themselves the traits of both the anxious type and the avoidant-rejecting type, therefore in a relationship they can be both a victim and a tyrant.

Next, I propose to consider each type of attachment separately.

RELIABLE TYPE

So let's start understanding each type of attachment in more detail. Let's start with the most positive - the secure type of attachment. Let's see how this type of attachment is formed in childhood.

CHILDHOOD

Safe or secure attachment is characterized by the fact that the child easily makes contact with the environment. This style of attachment develops in children, whose significant adult in the first years of a child's life is always available, sensitively perceives the child's signals, adequately respond to his needs, and is also responsive and affectionate when the child seeks protection, reassurance or help. With this type of attachment, a meaningful adult will always be there when needed and provide assistance. Thanks to this confidence, children feel safe and can explore the world around them with interest. They enjoy intimacy and are not addicted.

All other types of attachment are unreliable and do not have a sense of security. Children with insecure attachments feel helpless and give up in the event of potential failure.

Reliable attachment is associated, first of all, with the consistency of the behavior of the nearest adult, the saturation of his emotional reactions, as well as the presence and quality of feedback from the adult.

If you grew up in a more or less healthy atmosphere, your mother took care of you, behaved adequately and gave the necessary amount of love, then most likely you have formed a reliable type of attachment.

ADULTS

According to research, about 50 percent of people have a secure attachment type.

Attachment Traits:

- confidence in oneself and in one's partner, lack of jealousy and obsessive fear of losing a partner;

- high emotional intelligence (EQ) - the ability to understand your emotions and easily convey them to other people, as well as the ability to recognize the emotions of others well (high empathy).

- the ability to be in close relationships, open up and trust your partner, freely express and accept love;

- the ability to defend their boundaries (if necessary), not to merge and not dissolve in a partner;

- a comfortable state both alone and surrounded by people;

- optimistic views on relationships, the institution of marriage, family values;

- the ability to cope with crises in relationships, the ability to build a constructive dialogue with a partner;

- the ability to remain faithful to their partner (such people will not sacrifice their marriage or serious relationship for the sake of momentary pleasure;

- the ability to easily recover from a breakup with a partner (people with a reliable type will certainly worry, but not enough to commit suicide or go into destructive behavior scenarios, as the anxious type sometimes does).

Did you recognize yourself in this type? Congratulations - you are building your relationship according to the healthiest principle and you have every chance to create a truly strong and harmonious union.

COMPATIBILITY

Reliable type + reliable type

As I said before, people with the reliable type most often choose people with the same type of attachment as their partners. And these are the strongest and most harmonious alliances that represent a model of healthy relationships. These partners value trust and emotional closeness in relationships, and they try to be honest and sincere. Both know their flaws and their partner's flaws and accept each other for who they are. In conflicts, they are able to remain calm, see and admit their mistakes and seek a compromise.

These couples have a fairly low divorce rate. But sometimes they can still get out of the relationship if they cease to satisfy them. Parting in this case is not perceived by them as a disaster, most often after parting they continue to maintain normal friendly relations, especially if they are connected by children or a common business.

Reliable type + Alarm type

A partner with a reliable type of attachment in this pair most often plays the role of a parent or teacher - he is more psychologically mature than his partner, so he often has to take care of his partner. At first, it even gives him pleasure, but then problems begin. A partner with an anxious type is often not confident in himself, therefore, he constantly requires confirmation of his importance. He may be jealous, seeks to spend as much time as possible together, and a partner with a reliable type of attachment may begin to lack freedom and personal space, because he is self-sufficient and does not need the constant presence of his “half”. If a partner with an anxious type does not change his style of behavior, this can eventually lead to separation, because the reliable type will never tolerate a relationship in which he is not comfortable.

Reliable type + Avoid-reject type

With a couple in the avoidant type, the person with secure attachment will lack emotion and intimacy. He will strive for open and honest communication, and the avoidant type will close and not let a partner into his inner world. The avoidant type will try to build superficial, functional relationships, avoiding clarity and certainty. A reliable type will not tolerate such an attitude for a long time and will soon go looking for someone “warmer”. And the avoidant type, who is used to running away from any problem, instead of solving it, will not hold anyone back and will become even more closed in himself. Moreover, sometimes the avoidant partner can initiate a breakup himself if he feels that the relationship is coming to an end. They are very afraid of rejection, so they often try to leave first, so as not to experience the humiliation of being abandoned.

ALARM TYPE

This style of attachment occurs in about 10% of people and is very often formed in children who grew up in destructive families (for example, in families of alcoholics).

CHILDHOOD

The parents of such a child are not always available and caring. At some points, parents can be empathetic and responsive, and at other times, they can completely ignore the needs of the child. Take, for example, the alcohol-dependent mother. Being sober, she takes care of the baby, calms him down and responds to his calls. But in moments of alcoholic intoxication, she becomes not up to the child, and she completely ignores his needs and cries. Due to such inconsistency of her behavior, the child is not sure that when he needs the care and help of his parents, he will receive them. Therefore, he is not too trusting in the world and tries to stay close to his mother, he is afraid to let her go even for a short time. He is always anxiously seeking the attention of his parents. With age, an irrational fear of losing the mother may appear (the child thinks that she may leave him or die unexpectedly). In moments of disobedience, if the parents frighten the child that they can send him to an orphanage, a police officer or an angry neighbor, this only aggravates the situation.

A child and an adult with an anxious type of attachment is often haunted by the fear of loneliness, and therefore he will always look for an opportunity to join someone, merge, attach. He feels comfortable and safe only being attached to someone, feeling his belonging and connection with another person. He does not feel valuable and worthy of love, and assesses other people positively, therefore he very often tries to "deserve" love, to be comfortable and to please everyone around him. He tries to form very close relationships with others in order to feel accepted by others. Also, such children are very afraid of being rejected, therefore, the mother's resentment or dissatisfaction is perceived as a disaster.

ADULTS

Main traits of people with anxious attachment type:

- Desire for a high degree of emotional closeness with a partner, up to merging and dissolving in him. And at the same time - inner distrust and fear of rejection.

- Relationships in such people often come to the fore, overshadowing all other areas of life. The partner becomes the center of their life, they are constantly preoccupied with thoughts about him.

- Self-doubt and, as a result, jealousy. They constantly worry if their partner has fallen out of love, are afraid that he will find someone better, compare themselves with others (with his ex, with his colleagues). They are waiting for constant confirmation that they are loved and appreciated, they demand guarantees.

- Often become emotionally dependent on a partner.

- Trying to "earn" love by choosing an emotionally unavailable partner and proving that they are worthy of his love. True, sometimes it turns into a real extortion of feelings.

- They tend to dramatize everything, take any relationship problems to heart.

- Due to a strong fear of rejection and self-doubt, they are ready to forgive a partner a lot, therefore they often become victims of tyrants. Such a person may not leave for years, even if he is very bad, simply because he is afraid of loneliness much more than bad relationships.

- Parting is very difficult, they are even capable of suicide, since together with the departure of the partner, their meaning of life is lost. Although very often they themselves, with their obsession, control, jealousy and anxiety, push the partner to break the relationship.

This type of attachment is common in people with addictive personality disorder. In its extreme manifestation, such people may have borderline personality disorder.

It's difficult with such people. But often they turn out to be the most loyal and devoted companions in life. They are able to feel deeply and often pour out their emotions into creativity. It is they who create heartfelt poems and sensual novels, compose music, paint pictures. It is they who are capable of feats for the sake of a loved one. It can be very difficult with them, but not boring. Like people with secure attachments, they tend to have long-term and serious relationships, but these are not always happy marriages.

COMPATIBILITY

Alarm type + Reliable type

Not a bad union, provided that the partner with the reliable type of attachment has high tolerance, and the anxious type learns from him mental maturity. Otherwise, a partner with a reliable type can quickly get tired of the anxious partner's desire to merge with him into a single whole, spend all his free time together and constantly prove feelings. The aspiration of a reliable type to independence hurts his "anxious" partner, he perceives this as rejection. Scandals are inevitable here and the strength of such a union often depends on the patience of a partner with a reliable type of attachment.

Alarming type + Avoidance-rejection type

The most common union in which the anxious type constantly catches up, and the avoidant type runs away. The anxious partner is offended by the alienation and coldness of his avoiding partner, and the partner with the avoidant type is very angry at the obsession of the anxious partner, which makes him close even more.

A person with an avoidant attachment style may unconsciously choose an anxious partner, because only an anxious partner is able to constantly catch up with him and invest in a relationship for two. In turn, a person with anxious attachment can be attracted by an avoidant partner, because unconsciously he is sure that he is not valuable, is not needed by anyone and will be abandoned. These relationships can be very difficult, destructive and exhausting, but they can last for years. Because both partners are interdependent on each other.

Alarm type + Alarm type

Such alliances are rare. They are too much the same. At first, they are attracted by the illusion of spiritual kinship, the coincidence of moral values, the desire for the highest manifestation of love. But in the end, they simply merge with each other, completely losing their personal boundaries. They perceive each other as an extension of themselves, and not as a separate person. On this basis, many problems arise, since both partners are quite infantile in relationships and are not able to maturely look at things. This is not the happiest type of relationship, but nevertheless, they can live together for a very long time simply because neither of them has the courage to put an end to it and get out of the relationship. After all, they are both very afraid to be left alone. And with such a degree of merger, it is almost impossible to disconnect from each other and become an independent person. Over time, they begin to perceive each other as brother and sister.

AVOID-REJECT TYPE

The avoidant-rejection type of attachment occurs in about 25% of people.

CHILDHOOD

The avoidant-rejection style of attachment is formed when parents are emotionally unavailable, cold and indifferent to the child. For example, it may be a narcissistic mother who is too passionate about herself and, in principle, is not capable of love and acceptance. For her, the child is just her narcissistic continuation, she does not see him as a person and does not care too much about his emotional state. Such parents simply push or ignore the child, not noticing that he needs support and care. They do not feel their child and do not understand his needs. As a result, the child begins to feel unloved, unimportant, unnecessary. An idea is formed about parents as inaccessible and detached.

Such a child is not sure that he will receive support if necessary. He gets used to the fact that his needs are ignored, and he himself is rejected. Therefore, over time, he goes into the position “I don't need anything from you either,” he closes in on himself and on a subconscious level he is sure that he should not open up to anyone - they will still be rejected. He no longer asks for anything, does not complain. Doesn't run to mom for help. He grows by himself, distrustful of people and the world in general.

This perception is very painful for the child's psyche, therefore the child's psyche includes protective functions and “forgets” about its need for love and care. He chooses a restrained and indifferent demeanor to avoid new disappointments. With age, this behavior becomes entrenched in a stable attitude of alienated independence. In the future, such a person will be very afraid of close relationships with anyone, because in his subconscious mind is firmly entrenched in the fear that he will be rejected.

ADULTS

The main features of such people in a relationship:

- Distrust, closeness, detachment. Unwillingness and inability to show emotions, inability to intimate relationships. He avoids intimacy for fear of becoming vulnerable to someone.

- A high degree of independence, independence and self-sufficiency. They often feel too cramped in the presence of a partner, the excessive love and tenderness of another person is perceived by him as a manifestation of weakness and obsession.

- Relationships with such people are usually in last place. His career, business, travel, and hobbies are much more important to him. He fills his life with anything, just not to leave room in it for another person.

- Such people tend to change partners and enter into casual sexual relations. They lack empathy, so they are not sensitive enough to the needs of others and try to build functional relationships based on rational calculation rather than feelings.

- If the relationship does happen, then most often they are built like a game of cat and mouse, when partners always catch up with each other.

- Devaluation of close relationships. Such a person does not believe in love, in real strong feelings, in the fact that a partner can really love him. Somewhere in the depths, he constantly expects to be abandoned, rejected, as his parents did in childhood. For fear of experiencing this pain of rejection again, such a person always tries to leave first.

- Afraid of obligations and responsibilities. Many people prefer not to get married and serious relationships, as they are afraid of losing their freedom and becoming dependent on someone.

In the most severe manifestations, this type of attachment can be in narcissistic disorder, as well as in antisocial personality disorder. A psychopath or narcissist uses people for self-affirmation, and when they run out of emotional or material resources, they abandon them without regret.

COMPATIBILITY

Avoid-reject type + Reliable type

A very dubious union, because A partner with a secure attachment will not play cat and mouse, he is used to a normal, open and honest relationship. A person with an avoidant type may be attracted to a partner with a secure attachment, but as soon as he achieves reciprocity, he will get scared and begin to close. A partner with a secure attachment will somehow try to pull him out of the shell, but sooner or later he will get tired of it, and he will go where he feels good and comfortable. In addition, he always needs clarity, close emotional contact and a high degree of trust, and a partner with an avoidant type can never give him this.

Avoidance-rejection type + Alarming type

As I said earlier, they attract each other like a magnet, since they compensate for each other's complexes. They can fool each other's head endlessly, until the weaker partner (and they usually become the anxious type) gives up. This usually happens when the anxious type simply does not have any strength left and his psychological state is close to insanity. There are two options here - either the avoiding partner will then re-enter the game and try to return the partner, or he will find a more resourceful victim and turn his attention to it.

Avoid-reject type + Avoid-reject type

They can choose each other in order to avoid intimacy in a relationship as much as possible and thus protect themselves from experiences. Such alliances are usually concluded on mutually beneficial terms, with cold calculation on both sides. There is no question of any intimacy here, people, even in marriage, remain cold and alienated. Such a marriage can exist for a long time until something happens that one of the partners perceives as rejection, for example, betrayal. The avoidant type too painfully perceives everything that hurts his pride, so he is unlikely to be able to forgive the betrayal of his partner. Although, sometimes such people enter into an open marriage. In this case, they can live together all their lives, connected by some common goal or benefit, while not experiencing anything for each other and having a relationship on the side.

ALARM-AVOID TYPE

Anxiety-avoidant attachment type occurs in about 15% of people.

CHILDHOOD

This type of attachment is often found in children who have suffered physical, mental or sexual abuse, or in children who were ridiculed, humiliated and intimidated in childhood. These are the most traumatized people who grew up in very difficult conditions. Often these are children who grew up in families where one of the parents suffered from antisocial personality disorder (in other words, one of the parents was a psychopath), or who grew up in families of alcoholics or drug addicts.

The behavior of these parents is unpredictable, dangerous and frightening. The child is afraid and avoids his parent, but at the same time needs closeness, love and protection. This creates a very strong internal conflict, the tension is so strong that not every child's psyche is able to endure it.

A person with such experience grows up very wounded, distrustful. He really wants love, which he did not receive in childhood, but at the same time he is very afraid of it. Therefore, he very often bites the hand that tries to stroke him.

ADULTS

The main features of such people in a relationship:

- Strong internal contradictions - a person really wants love and close relationships, but at the same time he is afraid of this and resists.

- Such people are distrustful of people, they cannot rely on anyone, although at the same time they feel an inner need for support and care.

- They are often closed, uncommunicative and, as a result, lonely, although they themselves suffer from this.

- If they do enter into a relationship, then they show signs of both anxiety type (overcontrol, jealousy, self-doubt) and signs of an avoidant type (fear of opening up, distrust, detachment).

In extreme manifestations, this type of attachment occurs in people with paranoid or avoidant personality disorder. It can also occur in people with borderline disorder, when the person simultaneously wants close contact with others, but at the same time is very afraid of rejection, so he runs away from the relationship.

It is difficult for such people to be loving and open, despite the desire for closeness. In this case, the desire to move away is dictated by the fear of rejection, as well as the discomfort of emotional closeness. They not only do not trust their partner and see him in a negative light, but they also do not consider themselves worthy of their partner's love.

COMPATIBILITY

This is the least studied and at the same time the most difficult type of attachment. These people have a high level of anxiety and a high level of avoidance, which is why they are most often left alone. A positive prognosis is possible with psychocorrection.

ATTACHMENT TYPES AND WORK

Our attachment types affect all of our social interactions and therefore affect not only our personal but also our work relationships.

People with a secure type of attachment feel confident at work. They are not afraid to make a mistake, because confident that they can successfully cope with many things. They are proactive and enthusiastic about challenging tasks. They clearly distinguish between personal relationships and work. They are able to calmly take criticism in their address and are also not afraid to express their criticism in return. They do not hesitate to ask for help in difficult situations and can provide support to others, but at the same time they clearly monitor their boundaries and do not allow others to sit on their necks.

People with anxious and anxious-avoidant attachment styles experience fear of rejection and are highly dependent on the approval of others. They are afraid of making mistakes, being unprofessional and losing their jobs. They painfully endure criticism, as they take everything to heart. They try to avoid conflicts, do not know how to defend their opinions and are afraid to openly declare that they are not happy with them. They are embarrassed to ask for help or demand a promotion, and more often than not they expect those around them to notice that they need help, and the bosses themselves will appreciate their diligence and somehow encourage. They transfer personal problems to work, and work problems to family. They often take work home, and at work they can settle their household chores. Very often they cannot mentally switch from domestic problems to work problems and vice versa.

People with avoidant attachment styles are often the most ardent workaholics. They immerse themselves in work to unknowingly get away from the relationship. And then, when such people are invited on dates, they hide behind the fact that they have a busy schedule, often deceiving themselves: "Here's another project I'll finish and finally take up my personal life." They often come up with a bunch of things, just not to spend time with their family. And even if they don't immerse themselves in work, they will surely find themselves a variety of hobbies to maximize their time.