2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why are so many of us so afraid to take responsibility?
And what distinguishes a successful, self-confident person who takes responsibility in a variety of matters for himself and for others; from a person who is insecure and, accordingly, less successful? Maybe just the attitude towards responsibility?
In psychotherapy, a lot of attention is paid to responsibility. In Gestalt therapy, "returning responsibility" to the client is one of the main methods of work and one of the main focuses of attention. Responsibility is part of the famous Gestalt triad: Relevance-Responsibility-Awareness.
The concept of responsibility in psychology is very closely related to the concepts of external and internal loci of control. Let me remind you that an external locus of control is when the client blames external circumstances for all his troubles, all problems. Other people, lack of attention to oneself in childhood on the part of parents, inflation, weather, etc. The therapist's task is to draw the client's attention to the fact that circumstances very rarely have the character of force majeure, that there is a way out of seemingly hopeless circumstances. Pay attention to its capabilities, resources and help find this way out.
Therefore, responsibility is something that a person should take upon himself. To take responsibility for my behavior, not to justify my action or inaction by external factors, but to realize that I myself am responsible for my life. There is a tremendous temptation to delegate responsibility for your life to other people, this helps to avoid many risks, but at the same time creates a not obvious, but very global risk - not to live your life, not as you want yourself, but as imposed by your loved ones, parents - by all those to whom did you transfer this responsibility.
Why is this happening?
I noticed that when I type this word - "responsibility", I often miss one of the letters "t" in this word. I write "responsibility". This can be explained by various reasons, including an inconvenient keyboard layout, three consonants in a row, etc. However, another reason suggests itself. Unconsciously, I really do not want to write the root "answer" in this word. The answer is something that will surely happen after any of my actions or inaction, some "response" will surely arrive.
Whatever I do, the action will have some kind of consequence that I can evaluate as positive or negative, and the world, other people, will somehow react to my action. I can start doing some interesting project and not achieve a result, lose money and time. It is much more convenient to "fit" as a performer (preferably with minimal responsibility) into someone else's project, where responsibility for its success will not be on me, and in case of failure, I will not be to blame either.
Here we have touched on a very important feeling that is most directly related to responsibility and fear of taking responsibility - namely, the feeling of guilt. And also the second part of the title - punishment.
If you are just such a person - who does not like to take responsibility, prefers to delegate it to other people, think - why is this so? Perhaps you were often punished as a child? For showing initiative, any independence in general? Did they put you in a corner, maybe even beat you? And your mistakes, committed by you as a result of your childhood inability, caused the anger and irritation of adults: mothers, fathers, grandmothers, kindergarten teachers?
The child learns to show independence, for example, tying the shoelaces himself - still clumsily and slowly, and the mother yells at him, demanding to do it faster. A familiar picture, isn't it? At this moment, the child can decide - do I need it? Always get slapped on the head, twitching, aggression from adults in response to your initiative, to attempts to take responsibility for your actions? Let it be. I will only do what I am told - it’s less dangerous to live like that.
The unwillingness to take responsibility is very closely related to this - the unconscious fear of punishment. Parents and kindergarten teachers have not been able to punish us for a long time, perhaps some of them are no longer even alive, and the fear of punishment for the failure of our actions is in us. The punishing images of close adults have long since moved into our psyche, forming what Freud called the "Super-I", or the figure of the "inner critic". And now we ourselves are punishing ourselves - for any failure.
What to do about it? To return responsibility for your life to yourself, gradually "taking away" it from external circumstances and other people. "I myself!" - the slogan of a three-year-old child, blocked by adults in childhood, may well become our slogan!
I am sure you will succeed!:)
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