2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Question. A teenage daughter does not know how to receive praise. When praised, she says that she did not deserve it and she was helped by a set of circumstances. As far as I understand, this is how the impostor syndrome manifests itself. Why does it arise and how to deal with it?
Answer. What is commonly called impostor syndrome can be summed up in three thoughts:
I'm not good enough;
I have no right to make a mistake;
if I succeed, it’s an accident, not my merit.
If these thoughts existed independently of each other, it would be much easier to deal with them. But they form a single complex, which is why the state is considered so intrusive. To break the vicious circle, you first need to realize that you are susceptible to impostor syndrome.
Let's analyze in stages how it appears. At first, a person has the idea that he is not good enough for something. Because of this, the level of anxiety rises, and we, accordingly, try to get rid of it. Often the way to relieve anxiety is some kind of goal, the achievement of which will make the person "good enough." For example, learn a new language or graduate with honors. In such a situation, a person becomes intolerant of himself and thinks that in no case can he make a mistake, because the solution to the task at hand will affect his sense of his own worth.
If he succeeds in achieving the goal, the person feels better for a while. But then the same initial thought “you are not good enough” appears, and success is devalued. He finds a new, possibly more ambitious goal. Its implementation, it seems to him, will allow him to re-feel his value as a person.
The problem is that we cannot find a sense of intrinsic value solely on the basis of outer achievement. That is why the cycle is difficult to break: at each loop, the same negative thought will appear again. It is necessary to understand that it is not a matter of some objective merit. Yes, of course, they matter, but it’s just as important to share success in completing tasks and your value as a person. It is unconditional and does not depend on life situations.
The development of such an attitude towards oneself is a process, and not just some kind of awareness, therefore it takes time. There is no one-size-fits-all way to deal with impostor syndrome, but you can try to track under what circumstances it appears most often, what thoughts you have, and how you react to them.
It is best to have a small notebook or notebook where you will take notes. This technique helps you learn to catch moments of "imposture", which allows you to get out of the automated vicious circle and act consciously in a given situation.
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