Infertility Is The Path To Motherhood

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is impossible to become a mother without having your own inner model of motherhood. Every woman has such a model, and it is as unique as a DNA code, as a fingerprint. When faced with infertility, especially for unclear reasons, you should get to know your own model of motherhood well, it is there that you will find the answer to the main question - what prevents me from becoming a mother?

This model is always based on the first basic relationship - the relationship with your own mother. Mom is the most important person in our life, the first other who opens the doors for us to the big World. Mom is God for the child, the child sees himself through the eyes of the mother, in her words, in her actions. It is mother's love, if she is lucky, that teaches the child closeness, unconditional acceptance and self-respect. And this relationship influences the entire context of our life, becoming the foundation for our growth, for that runway from which we one day take off into our adult life.

So, if the childhood experience of the relationship was difficult, then you may be overcome by fears of repeating the fate of your mother. This can be expressed in two ways:

Straight.

• I am afraid that with the birth of a child, my relationship as a couple will collapse, as it was with my parents.

• Or with the birth of a child, I will lose myself, become a victim of circumstances, like my mother.

• Or I will not be able to raise my child happy, because no matter how hard my mother tried, sacrificing everything, I am unhappy and offended by her.

Back.

• I will not be like my mom.

• I will do everything differently, I will love the child better than my mother loved me.

• My child will definitely be happier than me, and we will have a close relationship, not like my mother and I.

In both cases, the basis is the fear of motherhood as of an inevitably difficult and cruel test that your mother did not cope with, and from which you yourself suffered.

The difficult childhood experience of relationship with a mother is not always about open violence, physical or moral, not always about the obvious dysfunction of the family. More often, those who grew up in a prosperous family come to therapy, where children were not beaten or humiliated, but where there was an emotionally toxic atmosphere, hidden competition, envy, rejection, suppressed aggression, and protracted conflicts.

And then the child, with all his adult life, tries to compensate for this damage - "I will live differently." And when faced with a decision on their own parenting, it turns out to be a dead end - how not to step on the same rake?

To begin with, it is important to look into your past in such a way as to see it as a whole picture. That is, not only through the eyes of a wounded inner child, but through the eyes of an adult. And ask yourself: "What do I know and what I don't know about my parents?"

And above all, look back at your mother - how do you feel when you look at her whole? On her motherhood experience? What was her fate? Do you like your mother's fate? Do you condemn her choice? Do you agree with them?

What a feeling when you say inside: “This is my mother. And I'm her daughter.”? What aftertaste do you have after so many years of childhood, when this woman was your mother?

And don't close your eyes to your father - what do I know about my father? What do I know about him not from the words of my mother? What did I get from my father and from his family? Do I love it in myself, do I accept it? Or do I look at my father's part through the eyes of my mother and reject it?

Look at your parents as your potential (whatever they are!) And ask yourself - what of their bad things can I do differently? What can I take from them as it is, and what can I refuse altogether or change it? It is important to be aware of the connection with your parents - not to run away from yourself at all, in many ways, no matter how you deny, but you are like your mom and dad. However, in many ways you are different, if only in the fact that you have the information from this article.

One of the important stages of growing up internally and accepting the image of a parent is agreeing with the fate of your parents. This is also about returning responsibility to them for their elections. And about the ability to agree and move away, not to save them, not to harbor illusions that you can change something in the life of a parent. To part with the hope that they will change, or finally wake up, realize how wrong they were and ask for forgiveness. And certainly to give up their own guilt and shame for what happened in the family and with their parents. The child is never to blame.

The past ceases to influence our future so strongly only when we agree with it, when we do not want to change, remake or fix anything. Of course, this is a big and very important work on oneself, work on growing up oneself, and this is what happens in the process of psychotherapy. It is difficult to be an adult, truly an adult, and not by the numbers in your passport, but also scary, but this is the only way to your life, to your family, to your parenthood.