2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“He wants me to lose weight. He calls me a fat cow and grimaces when he looks at me;
“He wants me to be sexy and accuses me of not turning him on as a woman;
“He wants his friends to like me and makes offensive remarks or makes fun of me in front of them;
“He wants me to grow wiser, he says that I have only rags and pots in my head;
“He wants me to have a vaginal orgasm, otherwise, he says, I'm inferior …
… and that's why I came to see you. In general, it is HE who wants me to change and for that he sent me to a psychologist. I myself would definitely not come to you!"
I listen and quietly go nuts. Then I ask an innocent question:
And why do you need it? Lose weight, become a sex bomb, smart-outgoing-positive? What if you don't do it FOR HIM?
And this is where the most important thing in the initial technique begins: focusing the problem.
What do you think my patients are telling me?
I have combined a great many answers into three groups:
"If I don't, then …"
- "He will be disappointed in me - he will find another - he will leave me!" In this case, the "pain point" is FEAR.
- “I'm not good enough for him. I don't like myself. I'm bad-fat-stupid-non-sexual, etc. " Here SELF-ASSESSMENT "hurts".
- “I do not meet HIS expectations, but I should! I'm sorry! " And here the painful one is the FEELING OF GUILT.
After that I ask another question:
Do you want to get rid of fears / feelings of guilt / raise your self-esteem?
Basically, the reaction is in the range of joyful "Yes, very !!!" to the timid question "And cho, is that possible?"
Ok, let's move on. I ask:
When we work with you and “remove” fears, feelings of guilt and raise our self-esteem, what will change in your life?
And here the "opinions of scientists" will be divided into two groups.
- “No, I don’t want to change anything, make me become the way my husband / boyfriend wants me.” Girls from this group, as a rule, quickly "merge" and disappear from my field of vision.
- “Yes, I'm ready to change. But what about the relationship? I don't want a divorce / breakup! I love him / miss him / we have children / mortgage / common business, etc."
Here I honestly answer, approximately the following: no one is forcing you to divorce right now.
As a psychotherapist, I have no right to give you any advice!
Until today, your relationship is based on fear-guilt-low self-esteem, there is no need to tear anything "with meat", because, for sure, there is something positive that keeps you together, otherwise you would have fled for a long time without my help.
But, as, in the process of our work with you, you will gradually part with these neurotic components of your life, you will be able to make a decision whether you will continue to be together or not.
If your husband / boyfriend needed you only so that he could assert himself at your expense, manipulating you, and he does not want to build relationships in a new way, you will part without regret.
But, if he really loves you and is interested in living happily ever after with you, he will accept your changes-values-boundaries, and your relationship will rise to a new level.
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