Loneliness: A New Meaning

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you know this magical feeling when for whatever you take and wherever you look - everything is bursting at the seams? Quite recently, it has taken on an unexpectedly new meaning in my head. Loneliness. And this is not the same loneliness when you watch a sad film under which you suffer so well because you cannot live without it. And not that loneliness when you drink a wine at home on your own without the support of noisy friends in the bar. This loneliness is something deeper. Not spoken. Formless. And from that - it is so difficult to perceptible

I'm not talking about the feeling when you are the happy owner of fifteen restaurants and four hotels and have to control all the working moments yourself, because delegating is not yours. And there is simply no one to delegate to. And the point is not that you are not a socially adaptive person who has not managed to make friends or personalities close to this state, or are too afraid of losing such a longed-for control over anything. And the fact that it just happened and this is not someone's specific fault.

For example, you cannot tell your close friends that not only did you not feel sad at your father's funeral, but even felt something akin to relief when the first earth flew downward in a scattering of childhood memories. And not because you are a heartless monster who does not know how to pay tribute to your parent simply for being your parent. And because you have not seen anything good from him in your entire life (except, in fact, life itself, which did not always develop smoothly thanks to his direct participation). You can't tell them this, because both of them have tough fathers who took them fishing from childhood, went to all their wrestling or football competitions, explained what sex life was and told about everything that was so important to know. Now their dads are such adult friends with whom you can drink whiskey and ask for advice. And you … What can you tell them? Or even like this: what can you hear from them, except: "Oh, forget it, old man! He was not specifically like that", "take it easier" or "this is your father, forgive him." Yes, these are great tips and you would love to follow them, but you can't. And despite your friendship at the age of 30, they also cannot - share with you this feeling of incomprehensible loneliness.

Or even so. Your older sister calls you and enthusiastically advises you to go see "Yolki-18", because the plot is exciting, and the acting draws at least an Oscar and you, as a specialist, will have something to learn. And you listen in a slight bewilderment, because she finished the director's work, you adore Tarkovsky for symbolism and Almodovar for cute hooliganism. And you will even tune in and go, because your sister is the only dear person that you have had all your life and she wants the best. But the more such recommendations you receive, the more you become convinced that she questions your personal professionalism. As well as your style of dress, when you once again say that these shoes / dress / jeans do not suit you / not in your style / you do not know how to wear it. So is your relationship with another partner who doesn't suit you. Of course, she does it not out of malice, she wants only good things for you and loves you sincerely. And then it becomes harder and harder to just call and describe the delight of a new pair of shoes, because in 80% of cases you will hear that “they don’t suit you” or “this is not your style”. And this impossibility to speak one language, to be accepted without constant suspicion of doubt - tires and devastates, leaving the same feeling of loneliness in a new sense.

And so. Even the most loving people will not save you. And it so happens that when it breaks through on all fronts, you can only rely on yourself. And from this realization (true, all-embracing, deeply hidden behind the facade and even the load-bearing walls) it sometimes becomes unbearable - lonely.