I Refuse To Judge

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A very common reason why personal life does not work out is resentment against parents, claims to parents that run like a red thread throughout life.

Only a child, of course, can make claims to parents, which means that an adult continues to be a child.

Behind the insults, anger at the parents, there is some kind of unsatisfied children's need. Most often it is a need for love, affection, emotional closeness, which, due to some circumstances, was not satisfied.

Until a person realizes that he still stands like a little boy or girl next to mom (dad) with outstretched hands and says: "Mommy (daddy) give me a little of your love", he will not be able to turn into his own life and see other possibilities.

The truth is, parents give us everything they have.

You can stand next to your mother until your death and wait, but there is nothing else there, but you can thank for what is, for the most important thing, for life, and move on, into your own future and take what was not enough for yourself, in the other place.

This is already an adult position and an opportunity to take responsibility for your life.

My father and I died very early, we were a little over 4 years old. For a very long time I denied everything that was connected with my father. I had no grudge against him, I did not remember him and always said that he did not have time to do anything bad to me. Until I got into a meditation in which there were the words:

"Dad, I forgive you for everything that you did not do for me …"

And then the inspiration came.

My pain was precisely what he did not have time to do …

He did not take him by the hand to school, did not roll around his neck, did not say:

"My princess and how wonderful I am …"

But you never know what else.

Unfortunately, it is not so easy to realize this, and especially to stop blaming the parents.

It helps a lot to study family history, the context in which this or that event took place. Sometimes it changes everything!

Until you respect your father, you cannot respect other men!

I also want to give one example that did not let me go for some time.

I love the poet Marina Tsvetaeva very much.

3 years ago I came across a book by her sister: "Remembrance", which I read in one breath.

Then I wanted to go to Yelabuga, where her life was tragically cut short.

Of course, everything connected with Marina Tsvetaeva is ambiguous and contradictory, there is no consensus about her fate.

I write what I feel, you can disagree with me.

So, in the context of this article, I want to mention that episode from her biography, when Marina, in order to save her daughters from starvation, sent them to an orphanage in Kuntsevo for a while. Then her eldest daughter Alya fell ill with malaria. Later, the same disease brought down the youngest daughter Irina. She could not cure both, she had neither the strength nor the means. The mother had no choice but to make a choice, to save at least one of her daughters.

I wondered for so long what could be worse for a mother to make such a choice? Sacrifice one daughter for another?

Yes, there will probably be people who will condemn her. They write a lot about the fact that she loved Alya and did not love Irina.

How do we know?

I think she is doing in the circumstances in which she found herself what she could.

I am sure that by looking at the seminal events a little from above, more broadly, given the historical context, you can understand your parents and find a point of respect and gratitude.

When I think about how I would have coped in a revolution or a war?

Am I sure that I would have done better than my grandmothers and great-grandmothers?

No, I'm not sure …

I refuse to judge!

I'm grateful to be alive!