The Hidden Meanings Of The Messages

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A family psychologist often asks one or another partner at a pair consultation: "How do you think your wife (husband) feels when you do (say) this or that?", but what does the Other feel, the one to whom you are addressing? The fact is that even at the age of 7, in the process of your development, you had to learn, in contact with mom and dad, not only to be aware and verbalize your feelings, but also to learn to differentiate other people's emotions by verbal and non-verbal signs, to understand and not voice only their needs, but also to be sensitive to the needs of a loved one. But alas! Since the value of emotions in our society is small, and our needs, on the contrary, are taught to ignore by our parents, so many misunderstandings in communication with loved ones stem from this, and in the worst outcome it is this inability that leads to ruined destinies and families.

What I would like to discuss here is still how we all learn to recognize the needs of another person and, if possible, try to satisfy them. Here we, of course, skip over one link: before learning to recognize someone else's, you need to understand a lot about yourself. But a lot has already been written about this. Therefore, let's try together to be decoders of other people's hidden messages.

But first, I will outline 7 basic feelings that you should have studied well at the age of 7 and be able to express them in that place, at that moment in time and to the person to whom, where and when they arose. If this were so, then people would not be sick with psychosomatic disorders. So, the basic 7 senses. According to Karl Izard: joy, anger, sadness, fear, shame, guilt, surprise (interest). Suppose we were very lucky with our parents and they did not teach us how to suppress emotions, and in which case we can directly tell the person: "I am angry with you", "I feel guilty", "I am ashamed, embarrassed", "I am scared now", "I am glad", "I am sad" and "I am surprised". Suppose we are also very good at understanding our needs and meeting them in time, without ignoring ourselves. For this, let us recall Maslow's pyramid: physiological needs (food, sleep, safety, etc.), the need for love and attention, the need for recognition of respect, the need for power and, lastly, for self-realization. Here is our alphabet, which we will use further to decipher the messages …

Often we cannot understand the other person at all. We understand that he wants something from us, but he does not say this directly, but methodically shakes our nerves, exhausts us with his reproaches, whims, criticism and remarks. Or a person, for no reason, for no reason, suddenly begins to say or write something to us and anger boils up inside us, and we do not understand why. Because we do not understand the meaning of his message and can interpret it based on our own projections. And the opponent himself hardly understands the meaning of his message. Like a little child: "I want something from you, but what I cannot say, I myself do not understand." Here, of course, you can get carried away with interpretations and your own fantasies about what is there, in the head of another person, based on our vision. But in order not to confuse the situation further, we need to stay within the framework of basic emotions and basic needs. And if we speculate about what emotion is behind the verbal message of a loved one and what need he has not been satisfied, we make an assumption and be sure to check it with a question.

In essence, this is what the psychotherapist does during his work, he looks for what the patient does not immediately reveal, he listens and hears subtexts, solves the riddles of the patient's feelings and needs, helps him to realize them and make these messages straightforward, and, of course, and if it is within the capacity of the therapist and if appropriate, he will satisfy the patient's need.

Now I will give examples of such hidden messages.

1. For example, your partner likes to praise himself, brag … or likes to devalue you, scold, criticize your actions and undertakings. What do you think is the hidden message here is the partner? What need is not satisfied? Which of the 7 basic feelings does he have for you? Answer: He has a deficit of recognition and self-esteem, His need for you to praise, admire, be proud of him, and the feeling that he experiences is shame that he is not good enough in the eyes of others. It is shame that makes you devalue and belittle him, in order to obtain this recognition and self-respect in a destructive way. And if you read what lies in the depths of the behavior and words of a loved one and fill his deficits little by little, then he will cease to devalue you or constantly brag about it and annoy you.
2. A woman tells the same dream to her friend and husband. The text is one, but the messages to two different people are different: "You know, today I had an erotic dream with such a macho, he did this to me in a dream." A message to a friend: "I am such a cool star, so sexy and modern"; the need for recognition and admiration, the feeling of shame that makes her brag to her friend. Message to my husband: "I miss your love, look I already have other men dreaming and I want to make you jealous in order to somehow draw your attention to myself." The feeling here is anger (resentment).

Once I myself had a curious situation. I come home and say to my husband: "Oh, I am walking down the street in my new skirt, and all the men are looking back at me." My husband looked at me in a strange way (apparently, by nature, he is a master of reading hidden messages) and says: "Why are you telling me this now?" Oops … I say: Oh, sorry, it skidded, in fact I wanted to ask you to pay attention to me, to my new skirt, to praise and hug.”Husband:“Uff.. so I would say so”)) an example of how we sometimes twist the plots of our messages and if we do not slow down in time, do not realize our need, then a big conflict can result. Since then, before I say something, I always ask myself the question: "Why? What do I really want now? What is my need for a deficit at the moment? What feeling and to whom do I feel? When I have all the answers to these questions, I already have a choice whether to speak or not speak, to do or not to do.

But sometimes you have to interact with different people, in different situations, and sometimes we all find ourselves in a moment of complete unconsciousness. Therefore, I suggest you run through 7 basic feelings and basic needs and ask yourself, and then a loved one: "Why is he telling you this and what does he really want from you? What motive prompts him to say this now?" And if there is no answer from the partner, then we turn on ingenuity! Run through basic feelings and needs and make an assumption.

• Another example: a loved one constantly reproaches you and you constantly fall into a feeling of guilt, and you are guilty, of course, very convenient in terms of controlling you to those who are offended. There is a lot of discontent, anger, and a need for power in the reproach. But, again, you need to check this. It also happens that your partner is constantly offended by trifles, and you are already afraid to make an extra move.. And it is true that there may be a need for power over you, but if you look even deeper, then he needs this power over you so that you do not disappear from him and the feeling here may be under anger and resentment, a hidden fear of losing you. And all this should be openly discussed with a partner. Although constant accusations can be a symptom of dislike and a huge lack of love in a partner. We clarify everything with questions.
• Often on the Internet, we notice how people come to your page and start arguing under your post. And they argue so hard and defend their opinion that it seems for them it is a matter of life and death. What do you think the hidden message is? What is the need? What feeling pushes a person into this competition for who is smarter than everyone else? Of course, the need for recognition and the feeling of shame. Because inside there is no certainty that I am good the way I am. Or such people aggressively attack - it's all about recognition and shame, as well as about attention to oneself. And then, if you understand the need, you have a choice whether to give it to a person or leave him hungry. More often I want to leave hungry, because he is trying to satisfy his need illegally, through the hidden meaning of the message to the world.
• Another example. Once a French psychotherapist Christina Garivet worked with me on a group of professional psychologists. She noticed my irritation and anger and read the hidden message: "I'm scared." Often people, when frightened, become aggressive (or run away). She offered me honesty. And she said, "Don't be a spy anymore, just live a little scared." I legalized my fear and began to communicate it to everyone when I was scared. Instead of being angry, I got access to fear. In this way, I reduced my anger and fear. But it was still necessary to guess what my need was not satisfied. This is how people in contact can help each other become more aware and clear the contact from the fog of hidden messages.

It's simple: we go through 7 basic feelings and basic needs in our minds and choose what, in your opinion, is closer to the situation. At the same time, we do not interpret, we do not fantasize, but we ask: Maybe you are afraid of something now, or maybe you are angry, or blame yourself, or are you embarrassed …? Just asking a leading question. And.. "Can I help you with something?" For example, you are reproached, and instead of an excuse you: "Darling, can I help you now, with something, maybe you have not had enough of my love and attention lately? Let me hug you")) But this is if you haven’t had time get angry in response.)) In general, look for the hidden meanings of the messages in the list of feelings and needs.

I wish you all clarity in contact.