No Man Is An Island

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Join us, Mr. Baron"! "Join!"

The man decided to change … I went to individual therapy. I started attending a therapy group …

As a result, he became more sensitive to his needs, aware of his feelings, desires, opportunities. I met the reality of my I, I began to understand better where I am and where not I in my I, I realized the reality of my boundaries and began to learn to defend them …

I decided to listen to my heart … Follow my own path … Live my life …

Great solution

But here he is faced with a huge amount of both internal and external resistance, which prevents him from moving along the path of his decision. Increasingly, doubts arise: "Is it worth it?", "How much more to walk?" … And the reactions of people from the immediate environment, to put it mildly, are not supportive: "You have become different, uncomfortable …", "I don't like your therapy." All this does not add a desire to go to a group, personal therapy, thoughts come to quit everything and live as usual, as before.

Metaphor: A man who had walked on crutches all his life suddenly found out, realized that he could do without them, and decided to throw them away and go with his feet …

Do you think this is so easy to do? I will try to suggest the course of his thoughts and experiences: “I have already become so comfortable. I may not move quickly, albeit awkwardly, but as usual … And then - throw them away and … fear! And suddenly I cannot, suddenly I will fall! . Fear of taking the first steps without the usual support, the need to learn to walk without external support, make efforts, try and practice new skills, change the pattern of movements and body pattern, the image of the Self, change the way of life, adjust life meanings and values. How many in total!

In addition, his usual “disabled life” has already acquired certain bonuses that allow him to satisfy a number of needs using “disabled status”: attention, care, support, etc.

Add to this the reactions of his inner circle. They, too, got used to his image of a "man on crutches", adjusted to his manner of movement, to his speed, pace … They already know what to expect from him. A certain "ecological niche" has already formed around it. Someone helps him, someone supports, someone regrets - these people have certain meanings in connection with this situation and this such person.

Let's take a closer look at what usually causes resistance to change, maintains old habitual patterns of life, and hinders development.

What keeps you from changing?

Previous concepts

These are once accepted by man ideas about the world, other people, himself. These are the basic concepts of consciousness - the result of both one's own and (to a greater extent) someone else's experience, which are formed into a specific worldview (picture of the World) and include three main components of this picture: the image of the World, the image of the Other, the image of I.

Subjectively, this is presented in the form of representations-attitudes: The world is such and such … Other people are such and such, I am such and such … These attitudes are extremely stable. and they determine both a person's perception of the world, the other and himself, and his behavior-actions in this world. Only some life events - crises and therapy - can change or correct these basic concepts.

Behavior patterns

Habitual patterns of behavior, or, more simply, conditioned reflexes, firmly rooted in the structure of the personality, have become character traits. Once upon a time, such skills were useful to a person, helped him to adapt to a certain unique situation. But the situation has changed since then: people have changed (someone has grown old, someone has died altogether), roles have changed (as a child, he became a parent himself, an adult), the person himself has changed (at least outwardly) … But the reflexes remained. And you habitually, like a trained dog, dance on your hind legs, hearing familiar music, not realizing that the circus has long left.

Therefore, you have to overcome yourself - your old self. A worthy opponent! This opponent has many advantages - proven adaptive ways of contact, confidence based on experience “I did this, I can do it! Let it be ineffective, let it be not creative, but somehow so … As usual, reliably."

Fear

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles to change. Here is how beautifully and convincingly Castaneda writes about it, talking about the pitfalls on the path to knowledge:

- When a person begins to learn, he never has a clear idea of the obstacles.

Gradually, he begins to learn - at first, little by little, then more and more successfully. And soon he is confused. What he learns never coincides with what he drew for himself, and fear grips him. Teaching is always not what is expected of it. Each step is a new challenge, and the fear that a person experiences grows ruthlessly and relentlessly. His target turns out to be a battlefield. And thus, his first eternal enemy appears before him: Fear! A terrible enemy, cunning and unforgiving. It lurks around every bend, sneaking up and waiting. And if a person, flinching in front of his face, turns to flight, his enemy will put an end to his search.

- What should be done to overcome fear?

- The answer is very simple: don't run away. A person must conquer his fear and, in spite of it, take the next step in learning, and another step, and another. He must be completely fearful, and yet he must not stop. This is the law. And the day will come when his first enemy will retreat. The person will feel self-confidence. His aspiration grows stronger. Learning will no longer be a daunting task.

It is difficult to add something else to what has been said.

Lack of support from loved ones

The saddest thing is that the changes are not supported by those from whom you expect such support the most - those close to you. And not because they do not want good and happiness for you, they just got used to you as before, you are a part of their usual picture of the World. And if you are ordinary, familiar - everything is fine! It is comfortable with you, you are predictable and you do not need to spend additional energy trying to hear, see, and understand you. You "sound" as always, habitually "performing your part in the orchestra of life." And if you suddenly "sounded" differently? You need to listen to you, adjust to you, adjust yourself. It takes effort, tension. Not many people are capable of such changes, and even more so for impromptu …

So in real life, close people persistently convey to you their concept of your life: Take this scenario! Everything is written there. How do you live, what to do … Who to be. With whom to live. And even how much.

And if you disobey, you will think “about your unique life path” and you will immediately encounter both an external obstacle (condemnation of loved ones) and an internal one (fear of losing loyalty) - to become a stranger for them, unacceptable. This is a meeting with loneliness - understanding that your choice is only your choice!

I remember an episode from the movie "That same Munchausen". "Join us, Mr. Baron"! "Join!"

Where to get resources for changes?

I will describe some of them. There may be others. Share your experience)

Interest in your life

Our whole life, all behavior is located between the vectors of fear-shame (on the one hand) and interest-curiosity (on the other). The first vector wins - we freeze, freeze and stop, the second wins - we move on. The ability to take risks is the most important quality that allows for change. The ability, without ignoring fear, to follow curiosity, take risks, overcome fear and change.

The joy of new experiences

The therapy already gives the first positive results quickly enough. It is important not to devalue them, to feel them, when lto take in to them, "savor" them, include them in your life arsenal. Then you can rely on them for further changes, use them as a resource. Yes, and it is already difficult to return to your old life if you managed to feel the taste of a new one.

Anyone who has swam behind the buoys at least once will never forget the sensations of meeting the ocean!

Responsibility

It may sound pretentious, but I would call “awareness and fulfillment of my mission in life” as another motivating factor. This is the understanding that you have a chance not only to change the program of your life that was not written by you, but also to interrupt the generic script passed down from generation to generation, to start writing your own book of your life, and not to republish the old one. And thereby do a good service not only for yourself, but also for your children.

Love yourself!