Requiem For Childhood

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Video: Requiem For Childhood

Video: Requiem For Childhood
Video: Requiem for childhood. Smolyarnya village, Belarus. 2024, March
Requiem For Childhood
Requiem For Childhood
Anonim

A wonderful period of childhood ended, and a small, plump, restless, sweet, defenseless, and such a native child, almost in an instant, turned into a sullen, aggressive, awkward, half-grown person, with incomprehensible interests, unpredictable desires and disgusting behavior. Who is this stranger (stranger)? And where is my lovely baby? What moment did we miss? What did you do wrong? How did such alienation arise that sometimes it seems that we are almost strangers? How can I convey to him (her) that I know more? I know how to do it! I know how BETTER! I WANT that he (she) be happier, smarter, and, in general, live a life better than me! Why doesn't my child want to understand this? How to get through to him?

These are the questions faced by almost every parent who brings their “problem” teenager to me for counseling.

Well, what can I say? I will try to consider in this article two sides of the same coin - to look at the problems through the eyes of a teenager and through the eyes of a parent.

The first thing I want to say is that when parents bring their children for a consultation, they formulate their requests based on how they see the problem. The parent brings the child and says - HIS PROBLEMS! He: does not want anything, does not want to study, does not help, got out of hand, does not hear what they say to him. He does not do what he is told, lies, drinks, etc. The parent does not say " I have problems in my relationship with my child "! Parent says "MY CHILD HAS PROBLEMS" … Where is the fundamental difference here?

In the first case, the parent understands: something went wrong in the relationship, it is necessary to rebuild the system of communications and interaction in the family in general, and with the growing up person in particular. At the same time, the parent sees his role, responsibility and his own initiative in this process, realizing that IT IS an adult, and therefore responsible for the changes and the result. Such a parent is ready to admit his own contribution to existing problems, admit his own mistakes, his own imperfection, “humanity” and “imperceptibility” (Lord, save us from “ideal” parents!).

In the second, the parent sees the “root of evil” in the child himself! It is IT that he is (how did he come to be like that? "It is not clear who he was born into")! And it urgently needs to be corrected! Preferably fast! Desirable effective! But, at the same time, without changing anything in my own coordinate system, without making my own efforts, and completely giving the initiative to correct the child - to the psychologist (I’m not having problems!).

And here, dead end! All these requests are in the plane of parent-child relations, and reflect the PARENT'S PROBLEM about the child. The child does not have these problems! And, consequently, the adolescent has no request and motivation to work with a psychologist. He has a problem with the parent, about the parent's anxiety due to problems with the child.

But, more often than not, the parent pays for a series of consultations and wants the psychologist to work with the child.

At best, if it is possible to establish contact with a teenager, HIS request appears. HIS problems are revealed that lie in a different plane (him, a teenager, personal) and sound different: relationships with others, peers, the opposite sex, friends, questions of self-esteem and self-attitude, life and death, and much more that can worry a teenager. And then, if the parent insists on working exclusively with the teenager, I inform you that I will not work at the parent's request, but at the request of the child and in his, the child's interests, respecting confidentiality and not disclosing to the parents the nuances of my work (in the absence of force majeure circumstances and disclosed facts when it is necessary to inform the parent for safety reasons and other circumstances subject to disclosure). At worst, the parent is affirmed in thought: psychology is complete garbage, a lot of unnecessary and non-working facts, nothing can be done. The parent DOES NOT HEAR the thesis that HIM (and maybe the whole family) needs to work with a psychologist to change the current situation. He does not understand that the child is a product of this family system, and his actual problems are rooted in the history of early relationships with parents. He does not understand that by reformatting the system of relationships and communications in the family, changing his own attitude towards the child, he, thereby, is able to change the behavior of his teenager. As in a dance - taking a step forward, the partner responds by simultaneously taking a step towards, or back. Does not accept the recommendations and the proposed plan of practical work, which suggests:

- changing one's own destructive and non-working attitudes about raising a child "from Tsar Pea"

-working with your own "childhood traumas", which automatically trigger the mechanism of projecting your life scenario onto the child, and the methods of influence applied to him by his own parents

-working with your own fears about separation - “emotional” separation of the child from himself, therefore, getting rid of hyper control and overprotection as destructive ways of influencing the child.

- teaching constructive ways of interacting with a teenager (how to "listen"; "how to hear"; how to negotiate; how to form and maintain boundaries; how to refuse and punish without using violence and power; to protect and help without breaking the boundaries; to show loyalty, not losing credibility, etc.)

Yes, I remember the surprised and indignant question of one dad at one of the seminars devoted to relationships and communications with adolescents: "Is it I SHOULD LEARN to communicate with him ???". Yes! And again, yes! A child's own (real and conscious) problems arise only in adolescence and they are associated with HIS PERSONAL LIFE! Until that time - he has NO OWN problems! There are family problems! And, these PERSONAL PROBLEMS OF A TEENAGER arise from family problems, problems in relations with parents. It is there that the problems of self-esteem and the skills of the child, with which he goes into the "open space" of society and relationships, grow and take deep roots.

Small world of great pain

Behind their own vision of WHAT their teenager SHOULD be, the parents, unfortunately, do not see WHAT IS actually happening, they do not see WHAT HE is real, what he feels, thinks and experiences.

If, as I said above, I manage to go out with the child to HIS request, then it often turns out that he ALREADY needs long-term psychotherapeutic work!

From dialogues with teenagers:

- why don't I want to study? What for? I still won't live!

- why do people achieve success? I don’t know… everyone will die anyway!

- I want to commit suicide. I'm afraid my mom will hurt me again. But, I cannot do this, because I love my father!

Can you describe your condition? What do you feel?

-I dont know. Can not say. I don't feel at all. I don't understand how I feel! (looking on the Internet for a suitable meaning) - apathy for sure! And anger! Or anger or apathy. Only these I know!

- Pain. I can't tell you about her …

Why? You do not trust me? Will you become vulnerable?

-Yes

What will I do with your vulnerability, with your pain?

- (from the proposed options, since he found it difficult to answer himself) the psychologist: he will devalue, will not believe, will use, will manipulate.

Does your anger have an addressee? Who are you mad at when you can't control your rage?

- Yes. To myself. I hate myself …

- When I understand that she (my mother) will soon come home from work, I begin to feel this state … I recently realized what this feeling is. This is fear. Panic. I'm afraid of her, mentally realizing that she can't do anything to me physically, she never beat me … but I can't control myself …

- How do you see, know yourself?(selects a picture)

- Wolf. Loner. He is very lonely. And evil! Why? Because he survives! He needs to survive. He needs to hunt. Because he is very hungry …

How (what) does mom see you?

- A fat cow! She constantly says that I need to lose weight. I'm fat. I accept myself in such a weight, I look at myself in the mirror, and in general, I arrange myself outwardly. I don't consider myself fat. But I still hate myself. I do not know why…

- Strange, abnormal …

- A stupid moron …

Often: - small, helpless (in the pictures, corresponds to the age from 1, 5 to 3 years)

It may seem that these parents are monsters. They humiliate, insult their children, intimidate and lead to thoughts of suicide. Not at all! These parents love their children! They sincerely worry about them. And they are quite ordinary, pleasant, worried about the future of their children. All of the above - it is the child's SUBJECTIVE perception of parenting messages! It does not always correlate with objective reality.

The parent is surprised: “I NEVER SAID THIS! “I never thought that!”, “I never did that!”, “I didn't mean it!”. But, the child HEARS THIS! This is how he perceives and deciphers the messages, messages and behavior of the parent! How horrified parents are when, suddenly, two completely different subjective realities come face to face.

Simply, most modern parents are convinced that the best way to help a child become better and be successful in the future is to show and tell him that the parent does not accept in him, what is wrong in the child (as the parent needs), what needs to be corrected, changed, improved … And these are the messages (criticism, moralizing, orders, devaluation, etc.) that transmit signals to the child rejection him as he is. These messages make children feel judged, create feelings of guilt; reduce the sincerity of the expression of feelings, threaten his personality, bring up a feeling of inferiority, low self-esteem, forcing the child to defend themselves. If a teenager does not have the opportunity (right, courage, resources, etc.) to speak (speak out, share, declare) - the only way for him to convey something to his parents, to draw attention to himself and his problems, this is behavior!

The worse a teenager feels, the worse he behaves

The most important need of a child is the child's inner feeling that he is loved. Since to accept the other as he is is to love him; feeling accepted means feeling loved.

Just loving a child is not enough. Love and acceptance must be demonstrated

Effect: children often become what their parents say about them, and most importantly, they stop talking to them, keep their feelings and problems to themselves. They become isolated, do not trust, fear that their still unstable "I" will go through a roller of mistrust, power and devaluation of their personal needs: freedom, autonomy, the presence of personal space, free from the omnipotent parental control. Opportunities for your own choices, personal opinions. Opportunities to give up what you don't need are not interesting. The need for rest and the opportunity to “be lazy and do nothing just like that,” without the threat of punishment and guilt for it.

Parents do not have to, should not accept ANY of the behavior of the teenager. Especially unacceptable, antisocial! Yes, it is important to stop, set the boundaries of what is permissible in a relationship. Teenagers, indeed, are often obnoxious, and parents are just PEOPLE! With your past, feelings, fears and vulnerabilities. But, a balance must be struck. Separate OWN from ALIEN. Own fears and traumas from the actual needs of your child. It is necessary to clearly understand and differentiate - who has problems? The child has? Or a parent, about a child! And then, it makes sense for parents to ask the question - FOR WHOM does he do what he does? And is it fair to solve their own difficulties at the expense of the child, thereby dooming him to the role of a tool for reproducing his own negative childhood experience, in his family, with his own child?

The parent has several alternatives:

1) He can continue to directly (authoritarianly), or indirectly (manipulations) to influence the child, in order to change something in the child is not accepted - this is a confrontation with the child, which leads either to rebellion and resistance of the child (at best), or to suppress the child's will, his own initiative, desires and motivation ("He wants nothing").

2) Change the environment (for example, if the daughter constantly takes her mom's makeup and perfume, which often leads to conflicts - buy her her own set of cosmetics).

3) Change yourself.

Allow yourself to give the child more freedom and responsibility for his actions, not to decide for him, not to force or insist, to abandon the accusatory position, while providing support, competently guiding him. child "on the interaction of" equals "- to learn to negotiate.

It is the parents who, by changing their behavior, reactions, their own perception of the child and the ways of interacting with him, can change the situation for the better.

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