2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In general, LJ is a very useful thing. And yesterday I was convinced of this for the thousandth time. You try both this and that formulation - to convey your idea. And you understand that all the same you will not convey it to many. Very sobering.
And many of the dialogs looked like this: 'No, well, you don't understand. I did not come to the therapist for his feelings. Let him feel for his mother. And I need a result. ' And the fact is that I understand something. I understand perfectly well, I am also from this world, where most people believe that feeling is something that prevents you from living or makes you weak. Where people stuff their houses with things, hoping that happiness will come for them. Or just for no reason they stimulate their nervous system with chemistry, trying to get an effect similar to what they would like to feel in their life. And I know how it looks in the eyes of other people, because I myself assumed this: I come to the therapist and say: I am strong and successful, smart and interesting, but my relationship is not building. And the therapist: "Oha. Eat a toad (well, because there is obviously nothing but magic to help, he obviously cannot make men love me the way I need to) and it will get better." I eat a toad - and voila. Okay, lie. I was sure that no one could help me here, so I went to learn how to teach people to be successful. To a real therapist. Into a real group. And I was so "lucky" that on the very first day my theme happened - the anger of one of the members of the group who was doing the work resonated with my anger, and I suffocated - from pain, hatred and resentment, it turns out, choking me all my life. I still remember a ceramic ashtray in the shape of a tin can, which was in the coaching room, where our leader of the group revived me. Then, for the first time, I was able to faintly notice how much pain I overcome every day - just to get out of the house. And, of course, I was unable to see either the therapist's sympathy or support. This was later, much later. For some time, I figured out why, starting a relationship, I am very tense - I want love, but I do not want to love, and I still fall in love and get scared, and because of this I get angry and behave strangely. And at the same time, I build the same relationship with everyone with the therapist - I do not trust, I expect sympathy and interest and am not ready to accept anything human from him. My therapists said, "Look, I am here, with you," I answered "yes, but what to do?" I was painfully in need of support and tenderness, but I could neither realize nor take it - and, of course, did not understand that my therapists were ready to give it to me. They "solve problems with me for money." And then somehow I heard and understood - here he is, a living person, here with me. And he takes care of me. Not for money. Money is a condition of our meeting. It's like adoptive parenting - you can't take all the children from the orphanage, just a few, sometimes even one. But in this child's life, everything will change. Here comes the therapist. He knows that he cannot help everyone, but he can help me - who is sitting here next to him. And he helps me. He is, which means I am, and I am not alone in my pain, in my anger. And - yes - I need a lot of love, acceptance, care, interest. Because that was not so much in my life. And - yes - the therapist is only with me an hour a week. But it will not disappear. And I can take this whole hour - from the beginning to the end. And he will satisfy me more than months in the house of my grandmother, who "loves all her children and grandchildren equally" - that is, in no way. But I don't need to eat the toad. You can just be - follow your desires, your experiences, because feelings are not a hindrance - they are part of the process, information that guides me. And when I go after them, I understand so much - and about how to open a business, and how to learn English, and how you can draw a human nose, and how to be close to your beloved man. And not how to open "some" business or meet "some" man, but how to do it in such a way that it would be interesting and cool for me. And the therapist's feelings are one of many signal lights, they help me understand where he is, where I am. And in general, a living therapist is nearby - this is a lot of warmth, joy, support and interest. If you try it in a metaphor - there was a black sea, there was a storm, and suddenly I understand - that here is a ship with lights. And I suddenly realize that I also have signal lights, and an echo sounder, and that there are other ships, and signals can be exchanged. And suddenly you realize that the sea is not endless, the storm is not endless, you see the reefs and the depth, and the beautiful islands - and everything becomes clearer. But it didn’t come right away, so I understand that in one post it cannot be explained. And I understand that with many clients we will not go there, and we will remain in the consulting mode, because jumping deep is difficult. And not everyone needs it. I just wanted to try to explain it again. The therapy helped me see that there is a lot of love in the world, and it can be love itself. That you don't have to live your whole life in a one-room Khrushchev building overlooking the highway. That work can be fun and rewarding. That you can take care of yourself and it won't be boring. That you can go on dates with your beloved man after three years of marriage and enjoy every minute. And also - that feelings are life.
Well, I think this is the best result. But I do not insist that everyone should strive for it.
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