2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Olga Demchuk
Let's imagine a person who is thirsty and is given an apple instead. At the same time, he says: "Give me an apple." He himself sincerely does not know the words "water" and "drink." The apple also has water, and in order to quench its thirst, it will have to eat a certain amount. But the specificity of satisfying needs is such that the thread must fall into the eye of a needle, that is, unconsciously we know what we want very precisely. And peak pleasure can be maximized precisely with full compliance. For example, apples from the garden of your beloved grandmother or water from her well will differ from analogues. FIRST rule of needs: striving for complete identity with the desired. SECOND Rule of Needs: If the expected and the desired do not coincide, disappointment appears.
In order to strive for compliance, you need to understand what you want. And at this point we are faced with two problems. First, if you have lost contact with your body and emotions, that is, with your real self, then it is quite difficult to hear and understand your needs. The second - there are "false", and there is a true need. At the same time, true needs are suppressed. THIRD rule of needs: you must be able to recognize and name needs, bring them into consciousness. THE FOURTH RULE: "false" needs are often determined by the psyche as priorities, and the true ones are suppressed. FIFTH rule of needs: to understand needs, you need sincerity and the ability to admit them to yourself, only after that you can correct them by comparing them in reality.
We will talk about this in detail at the webinar "Relations with money", and even more at the "Spy Games", and in this post I will dive into the topic of false needs. Based on my experience of working with people, I can say that the names of this reason, "false" needs, give rise to an inner emptiness, hunger, greed and the inability to get satisfaction: to be valuable, get drunk, eat up, take a breath, donate, indulge, boast, have fun, cry, earn.
It is necessary to clarify what I call "false" needs and what are true. The "false" ones always have a conflict with reality. More precisely, reality (people) is rejected and appointed by the need to win. "False" needs are stubborn ignorance of real facts and the invariability of one's "want". I'm not talking now about the desire to create an electric car, I mean, for example, the desire to "please everyone."
I recall a case from my childhood when I cut out a piece from leggings with nail scissors that I needed for a baby doll's vest. And my mother, taking a baby doll from my hands and taking off his vest, applying it to the hole in the leggings, asked: "Did you do that?" I stubbornly answered: "No, not me." I was 5 years old. I remember my state in which I said this: stubborn proof of my own righteousness, in which I myself began to believe. My psyche seemed to be divided into two parts. The first one remembered how I cut. The second was convinced that it was not me who did it. The first felt guilty and realized that she had done trouble, the second retained her goodness.
And so we have an example of the birth of "false" needs. Keeping your "correct" image to get what you want. In the situation with the leggings, I needed a good attitude towards me from my mother. Serving your False Image is fanatical, because it is he who promises the achievement of the desired happiness. I call this phenomenon in the psyche - TBS (point of unconditional happiness). The personality keeps the memory of what it should be in order to get what it needs. And often this image is frozen, unchanged for many decades. It is from this image that a person cannot be denied. For example, in psychotherapy, despite the fact that a person cannot develop and feels pain from contact with reality, he still defends the prevailing worldview. And the argument is often heard, "it was my parents who made me this way, I am a traumatic person." Those who have their own children no longer defend this idea so zealously, and apart from the complex of sacrifice and anger, this conviction can hardly bring anything to a person.
The problem with the False Image is not only ideality, but also that fear was the test for mixing it. The idea behind it sounds something like this: "Be the right person, otherwise there will be trouble." This is the locus of a person's permitted life, surrounded by a ring of fear, forbidden, forbidden to him. A person's perception of himself is divided into "the way it should" and "not the way it should be." “The way you really are (real)” automatically falls into “not the right way”. And this conformity to the image “just as it should” becomes the source of “false” needs.
It is impossible to satisfy and satisfy "false" needs. Moreover, a person is not able to build causal relationships and analyze their failures. He can be logical and clever in different areas, but not personally related to him. When talking about himself, he seems to switch to a different mode of thinking, often getting stupid before our eyes.
The unconscious automatically gives out the cause of all the problems in life: "This is because you were not the right person." Hence the shame and guilt that flood a person and defy logical analysis. By the way, emotions can also be false, not proportionate and inadequate to the situation, but more on that another time. And the person concludes that one should be better “as it should be” and intensifies activities to strengthen the False Image. Such people ask the question: "What to do?"
The need "to be as it should be" (hereinafter TCN), each person has its own, unique. But this is always emptiness. Many describe it this way: "Emptiness in the chest area." This desire becomes a fantasy creature that cannot be fed. A real need always has a finiteness, measure, limit. The false TCN does not have it. This is a cuckoo from the nest, which wants to eat all the time, and the personality is a small bird parent who cannot feed him.
The chasm, into which no matter how much you throw, it does not fill.
This is a need that the child came up with. It's like trying to feed a unicorn that you created in fantasies, but at the same time a well-fed unicorn, this is a memory of the sensations, impressions that a child experienced, even with that childhood configuration of the psyche. Therefore, even reproducing all the circumstances with one hundred percent similarity, it is impossible to get those past sensations. Many of us experience this on New Year's and Birthday.
For example, a person's TCN is that everyone should like him. Just imagine this scale, for all TKN it is exactly this, infinite. “I want everyone to admire me”, “I want my mother to be always there”, “I want the fun not to end”, “I want the holidays to be all the time”, “I want to be always happy”, “I want to do nothing and be rich. " "I want" is always a lot in children's fantasies because of the child's inability to organize for himself what he wants. And therefore his “I can” is at the same time completely dependent on the other and equal to “I want”. This is the main motto: "I need to be something, so that others give me what I want."
If hunger is not satisfied, then it is always accompanied by pain and greed. Moreover, a person really feels the pain from hunger of a unicorn, because for him it is a fact that proves that he is "not the right thing." The man attacks himself. And greed is present because what you want is not received, so you need more. My generation remembers the song of Sofia Rotaru: “So the summer has passed, as if it never happened, at warming up, only this is not enough”. Read all the words of this song, this is a great illustration of the processes I am describing.
Therefore, people become addicted to food, alcohol, cigarettes, and other people. They have a way of getting TBS, well, at least approaching it, so they have to reproduce circumstances all the time in the hope of getting enough.
There are few people who want to do their job efficiently and professionally, many need accompanying impressions and if they are not there, then the person himself devalues what he has done. "There was little admiration, my work was not appreciated properly, I expected more."
How do you know that you live in the land of hungry unicorns? This is clearly demonstrated by a person's speech, both internal and addressed to the interlocutor. Such a person often uses the words: "Always, too, never, to everyone, to anyone, forever, etc.". This is such a thinking "slogans", great immensity. “Nobody loves me”, “I will never succeed”, “I like it too much”, “all people are like that”, “everything will be fine”. The immeasurable is always misunderstood, which is also characteristic of the child's mind. The lack of detailing, concretization, clarity and understanding of boundaries, the inability to measure, define, understand, explain speaks of a reluctance to grow up and an inability to think.
Having written three pages I will finish. TNC (as it should) does not allow a person to enter the real world, become a part of it, realize himself, get the best possible pleasure from life for him. TBS (point of unconditional happiness) is an impression with which the real is compared and therefore depreciated. Insatiable hunger and greed, suggests that the need is "false". This will be our SIX Rule of Needs.
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