2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Kolesova Anna Alexandrovna
Psychologist, Cognitive-Behavioral Direction - St. Petersburg
Emotions are natural signals from the body that inform about the need for change.
Emotions are a process. As long as we are alive, it cannot be stopped. The living body and living psyche will strive to start this process over and over again. Hence the following conclusion:
SUPPRESSION OF EMOTIONS and FEELINGS (grief, fear, anger, regret, disappointment, guilt …) inevitably leads to an increase in their intensity and repetition rate. This is the law
So, sadness turns into depression, excitement - into a panic attack, discontent - in outbursts of uncontrollable aggression, self-flagellation and self-harm, regret / compassion / sympathy - into self-pity, doubt is guilt, awkwardness to shame
confusion - into a stupor, dislike - into disgust, boredom is the pain of inaction and dependence.
It is impossible to build close relationships without disappointment.
While we are charmed by a person, that is, we look at him through the prism of our expectations, it is impossible to get in touch with a person as he is and stay with him in this process.
In this place, remember how calm you are about the fact that your children, parents, partners have disappointed you and how much you are ready to face these people as they are - with their real capabilities and limitations.
The PROBLEM is not created by the feeling itself (remember, this is just a signal). And our ATTITUDE to our own and others' FEELING. That is, what we think about ourselves and about this feeling at the moment when we noticed ourselves in it. What are we saying inside ourselves?
For example, I am worried (embarrassed, upset, doubtful, unhappy, upset, disappointed), but the mindset is that “worrying (being embarrassed, upset, disappointed and disappointing …) is bad.
As a result, I have a negative attitude towards my feeling, my signal.
If I were sitting in the car, I would say to myself: “What nonsense, to be angry with the red gas meter” - and I would turn in the direction of the nearest gas station.
And with emotions-signals they often act differently due to "unsuccessful" upbringing, cultural norms, psychological illiteracy, and more often all combined.
Negative emotions (everything that is NOT connected with joy and pleasure gets here) is tried to avoid, hide and not get into situations that cause them.
But this strategy is unproductive and categorically energy-consuming, because the sensor works and always "beeps", since it is impossible to protect oneself from all situations. (remember, emotions are a non-stop process inherent in a living being, like metabolism or sunrise / sunset).
As a result, our life turns into a continuous escape from this ringing instead of moving towards our goals.
Thus, our emotions and feelings from simple signals - the task of which is to be felt at a moderate level - gradually turn into intolerable, and then into painful and uncontrollable.
Self-made evil. From psychological illiteracy.
When I work with clients, I often observe the same phenomenon - self-pity. Intolerable. To tears. And an extremely negative attitude towards her, expressed in the attitude "you can't feel sorry for yourself."
People do not want to prolong such moments as long as possible (as opposed to joy and pleasure), they try to quickly wipe away their tears, transfer them to another topic. They pretend as if nothing happened and they embarrassedly explain this by a "moment of weakness." Here I am not writing about anyone in particular, if you suddenly recognized yourself - this is a coincidence. It's just that a lot of people behave like that.
On the contrary, I put the consultation on a "pause" and pay attention to these tears and this feeling. Because behind the difficult-to-bear self-pity there is information about the need to correct their actions, which turned out to be unconstructive and did not meet expectations.
Many of us have negative emotional experiences when, instead of asking questions aimed at self-correction (what have I missed? What can I change), we were scolded, blamed and we were never able to form this compassionate skill in ourselves, which is the basis compassion, sympathy and respect for yourself and those around you.
As a result, this need by the time of growing up becomes more and more urgent, and along with it the feeling-signal grows more and more, turning into an intolerable self-pity.
What to do with all this avalanche of feelings and how to help yourself?
1. Study the meaning of the signals.
2. To change the attitude towards your own experiences (from "bad" to compassionate and accepting, by analogy with the rising and setting of the sun - this is a process, it just is, and I take it into account in planning my life - when it is dark - I go to bed, when it is light - I work for my own and social goals).
3. Develop emotional intelligence - the ability to evoke and maintain positive and negative emotions depending on the context of the situation, as well as the ability to translate one emotion into another.
Psychotherapy helps with this.
In society, there is still a fear of turning to a psychologist so as not to associate oneself with the patient.
To this I will answer this way: I consider the process of psychotherapy as a process of learning a foreign language.
You study the meaning of emotions, learn to recognize them in your body and in other people (recognize familiar words in foreign speech).
Gradually learn to master a new language by talking to yourself. Instead of avoidance, criticism, devaluation, self-flagellation - attention, acceptance, compassion, self-support.
In doing so, you do not forget the other language. But you have more freedom and you can choose - when, with whom, in what situation in what language to speak. Where you need to - get angry and defend your interests, where you need to - cry and let go of the past, and in some places - sympathize and take care of yourself. Because life is one.
And the availability of choice and the ability to behave flexibly, that is, in different ways depending on the situation, is the basis of psychological health.
I will be glad to comments, questions, responses! Write!
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