2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Inability to receive love from the Other
leads to an inability to love oneself.
In my article, I again turn to fairy-tale characters. Taking as an example the characters of the fairy tales "Frost" and "Cinderella", I will look at them "through the eyes of a psychotherapist." To do this, I will consider the heroines of these fairy tales, Nastya and Cinderella, as potential clients. My analysis will focus on the following questions:
- What is the specific life situation of the development of each of the fairytale heroes?
- What is their psychological profile?
- What kind of psychological problems can they face in the future in the presence of such a family situation?
- What is common and different between the characters in the fairy tale under consideration?
- How can life develop for Cinderella and Nastenka in a non-fairytale reality?
So, in order:
- What is the specific situation in the development of fairy tale characters?
Considering the family situation of Nastenka and Cinderella's development, I would immediately highlight what is common to her. I would call this situation metaphorically - territory of dislike. The common thing that unites our heroines is their position as an “unnecessary child” in the family. Both Nastenka and Cinderella have step mothers who are incapable of loving their adopted daughters.
If we extrapolate a fabulous situation to life, then it can be presented allegorically. In such a case, the stepmother may be a metaphor for a mother incapable of unconditional love. The transformation of a mother into a stepmother or a witch in a fairy tale symbolically means that the mother is unable to perform maternal functions, the leading of which is the function of the child's unconditional love. The family situation of Nastya and Cinderella is similar in this regard. The common thing in the life of our heroines is the absence of unconditional love.
A similar life situation for our heroines and in terms of their fathers. In both stories, we see a weak man dependent on his wife, unable to protect his daughter from his stepmother. The fact that the fathers are relatives in the tale symbolically means that they are, in principle, capable of intimacy and love. It is possible that fathers love their daughters, but that is not enough. Their love is toothless, like the love of a weak person in general, it is impossible to rely on it. What can a weak person give to a loved one? Is that sympathy …
Thus, we observe a similar family situation in the development of our fairy-tale characters: a mother-stepmother, not ready to unconditionally love the child, and a weak father, unable to protect him.
- What is the psychological portrait of Nastya and Cinderella?
The similarity of the life situation leads to the formation of a similar personality structure in our heroines. I will list its main properties:
- The worthlessness of yourself.
- Uncertainty.
- Low self-esteem.
- Detachment from reality.
- Addiction to fantasy and idealization
What kind of psychological problems might they face in the future given such a family situation?
Almost all possible psychological problems that they may face in the future are derived from their established personality structure.
The most typical developmental scenario with such a personality structure is a tendency to form codependent relationships and all problems that are derived from this kind of relationship:
- insensitivity to their desires and needs;
- insensitivity to your feelings and primarily to anger and disgust;
- inability to show, and sometimes be aware of their own aggression;
- weak sensitivity to their borders and the inability to protect them;
- What is common and different for the characters of the fairy tale under consideration?
At Nastenka's her vital identity is violated. And this is not surprising with such a parental message - you have no right to be! You have no place in this system, go freeze in the forest!
In life, such a situation can develop in the event that the mother did not want a child and, having been born, it turned out to be unnecessary, superfluous, greatly disrupting her life plans.
As a result, the child has a feeling of complete lack of value for himself and the following kind of experience:
"I am not exist. I have no right to my I, to my thoughts, feelings, desires-needs. I am completely dependent on the will of the Other. I can't do anything with my life. All I can do is count on the grace of the Other."
Submissiveness, patience, passivity become the leading personality traits. The situation of inability to receive love from a significant Other leads to an inability to love oneself. No way.
In life, characters like "Nastenka" are invisible, undemanding, comfortable, always adjusting to others, circumstances. Lacking the "density of their I", they seem to dissolve in the world. It is difficult for them to want something for themselves, so they live for others.
The therapy with a client of the "Nastenka" type is lengthy, since here we are dealing with the lack of formation of the basic foundations of identity. The main goal of therapy is to meet the client with the experience of the value of his I: I am! I have the right to be in this world!
Option Cinderella more optimistic.
The Cinderella situation is already more narcissistic. Her parental message sounds like this - you have the right to be if …
This is the territory of conditional love: "You can be if …" As a result, she forms the following life position: "You need to try and then there will be a chance in life to meet a prince!"
There is no longer such passivity and submissiveness as in the previous story. Cinderella, unlike Nastenka, is capable of being active. But at the same time, she, like Nastenka, is insensitive to herself, although not to the same extent.
The impossibility, due to the rejected environment, to manifest one's Self in reality, leads to life in an illusory world. She has poor contact with reality. Cinderella lives in an ideal world - the world of her fantasies. In a fairy tale, a moment comes when her dreams come true.
But this is only in a fairy tale. As you know, a fairy tale always contains elements of magic, a miracle. There, Cinderella's efforts and her dreams come true: thanks to the magic help of the fairy godmother, she meets her prince.
The unthinkable story is not so optimistic. Real Cinderellas, as a rule, fail to realize their fantasies, and their life turns out to be full of expectations and disappointments. Again and again.
The main goal of therapy with such clients is to meet and live disappointment about the unfulfilled expectations of the children's fairy world and learn to notice and accept or at least agree with the reality of the non-fairy world of adults. With the reality of the world in which there is no magic and Santa Claus, but in which you yourself can be Santa Claus and create magic yourself! Significant experiences in the therapy of such clients will be the following: This is my life! I myself am the magician of my life!
Recommended:
Where Is My Intimate Territory? Close Relationships And Personal Boundaries
Often when working with families, couples and observing your life, you ask yourself the question, what is love in a relationship between a man and a woman? Are there my personal boundaries? My spouse's territory? And something in common? Or is love always presented as a fusion?
On The Verge Of Divorce Or Overcoming Dislike
Each family faces difficulties and when the conflict is not resolved, they think about divorce. And in order to understand how to keep a family on the verge of divorce, it is recommended to read the advice of psychologist J. Gottman . The problem of divorce remains relevant in different countries of the world, regardless of the economic and social situation.
Dislike For The Fat
If we try to consider this problem without numerous turns of a snowball, without mutual insults and hatred, then we will see that the eternal dispute between fatties and fitness babies is a dispute about priorities. Antipathy, which, according to the law of a snowball turns into hatred, is a separate topic, very important, and the breeding ground of the Internet, which accelerates the formation of any addiction and the formation of any hatred, plays a major role here.
Dislike And Its Consequences
Dislike and its consequences This topic, in connection with the pernicious prevalence and fatal consequences, requires, in my opinion, the closest attention … By the way, it is talentedly revealed in the drama of Andrei Zvyagintsev "
A Painful Tangle Of Criticism And Dislike
From birth, a baby needs care. The child is fed, held in his arms, smiled, soothed if he cries. Fell down - the child will be comforted, hugged, listened to, treated. I learned a new thing - they will be proud, they will embrace. If you are in trouble, they will listen and help.
