2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The most important human need after satisfying physiological needs is to be loved, to have reliable attachment.
It's scary when you realize that your closest people - your parents - don't like you.
Here is an example of such a sad story.
The man did not marry for love, a daughter was born in the marriage. But the relationship was never destined to develop into anything more. The principles of "endure, fall in love" and "time heals" have not been proven to be effective. The spouses often quarreled out of the blue, the wife began to drink.
A couple of years later, the man fell in love with another, and told his wife that he did not love her and wanted to divorce.
In a new marriage, he also had a daughter, in whom he doted.
The ex-wife could not forgive the hurt caused. She called her ex-husband and his new wife, demanding money, accusing him of not having enough material support, speculating on her daughter. The money that her ex-husband gave her was immediately spent on booze.
After a divorce from her husband, the mother lost all interest in the child, the girl grew up like a tumbleweed, receiving neither love nor elementary care. She felt like a bargaining chip that the alcoholic mother was only using her to get sufficient support from her husband, which she spent on herself, and then called the new family and demanded more money.
The father, as soon as he had a new family, seemed to stop noticing his daughter from his first marriage. This situation seemed to excite only his new wife (let's call her Tatiana).
Tatyana tried to convey to her husband that it is wrong to ignore her child, even if it is a child from the first unloved wife.
She herself came to her ex-wife, feeling some guilt in front of her, with her permission, she took the girl, drove with her daughter to entertainment centers, made purchases, they traveled together …
When a daughter from her first marriage (let's call her Ira) came to their family, every time she saw her father playing with another daughter (let's call her Olya), pampering, hugging her, but she didn't seem to notice her, as if she was an empty place, as if her does not exist. As they say, if there is no person, there is no problem.
Ole's dad said that she should study well, that he would help her to enter a good university, that she would grow up as a "big man," and Ira did not want to admit, he had a low opinion of her abilities. And Ira herself believed that she would never be as smart, loved, successful as her half-sister.
She came to the house of her father's new family, in this purity, comfort, seeing how everyone was tied to each other, and then she returned to a poor, dirty apartment, where a drunken mother again forced her to cheat, beg her father for money and gifts.
Sometimes during a joint vacation, Ira made awkward attempts to fondle her father, but he immediately pulled back and asked Tatyana: "Where is my beloved Olechka?"
From the current situation, it is clear that the father took an avoidance position in relation to his first unsuccessful family.
He went into denial, not daring to admit that he has a complex of complex feelings regarding the relationship with his eldest daughter - primarily repressed guilt, which makes him constantly tense when she is around, and which leads to serious psychosomatic problems.
The wife took on the role of an arbiter, a rescuer. However, this is a destructive function, since the spouse should take responsibility for improving relations with the daughter and ex-wife.
Each of us, perhaps, has our own skeletons in the closet, and we want to nail up this closet harder so that the skeletons do not suddenly accidentally fall out and we do not have to look into their empty eye sockets. However, this is not an option. Problems need to be solved, not run away from them all the time. The theme of the rejected child from the first marriage is perfectly revealed in the film "Queen of Hearts".
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