My Father Is An Alcoholic And I Am Not Ashamed. I Explain Why

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Daniil Olegovic

A family with an alcoholic is life on a volcano. You never know when an eruption will occur, but always ready for it. Growing up in a family with an alcoholic father is not easy - t You don’t know if your dad will come to pick you up from kindergarten or to your prom, and if he does, he will be sober? Probably, shame for an alcoholic father is the most vivid feeling that I experienced throughout my childhood.

In early childhood, my father loved to read to me before bed. Usually, he did it with a bottle of beer in his hand. By the end of the third bottle, I could already make out very little of what I had read. Sometimes I’m already asleep, and my father persistently reads the story to the very end. It happened that I was still awake, and my father was already snoring in an uncomfortable position. We played chess once. I honestly lost the first two games, but with each new bottle of beer, I got the upper hand. When I checkmated for the second time in a row, my father threw the chessboard in my face, saying: "You go with your chess!"

It also happened that a drunken father was the funniest and kindest person from my entourage. Going on a yacht, taking me to the movies for a horror movie, going fishing, introducing me to your friends - it's cool when you're only 6 years old? But the older I got, the more clearly I understood - what is happening in my family bears little resemblance to the norm.

The father began to drink more and more often. In addition, aggression was the only emotion that he showed while drunk. Aggression towards everything and everyone around you - towards your friends, relatives, your wife and, of course, me. Mom most often got hit. I only got it when I ran to break up their fight, or cover it with myself, or delay it, throwing myself at my feet. Then I could get a couple of punches. By the way, probably in the perception of most people is an alcoholic father a skinny goner in a leotard and a T-shirt? So, my father was then in excellent shape, weighed under 100 kg and had a well-placed blow both left and right. Despite this, he never fought with anyone except me and my mother, and in general, he always behaved calmly and quietly with other people.

When I turned 10, my father began to drink less often. Sometimes I didn't drink for six months. Consequently, he accumulated all his aggression inside himself. Then the dam burst, and not only I fell under the blow, but also things and furniture - my toys, favorite books, my mother's perfume, fur coats, TV (all this flew out the window). One day, my brand new computer was also partially destroyed.

It was getting harder and harder for me to talk about my father, especially at school. I simply had nothing to be proud of, since I left all the warmth of my father's feelings somewhere in my deep childhood. It was easier for me not to talk about my father than telling the truth. Unfortunately, it was impossible to hide the fact of the alcoholic father (especially after he came to the parents' meeting drunk). And I began to honestly and openly say what I feel - I hate my father. In response, I most often heard: “You are ungrateful! Other children do not have a father, and they would like at least some! . Anyone who told me so in childhood wanted to spit in the face. Probably, I still want to, because this is the most ridiculous remark that an adult can give to a child.

At the same time, I grew up. I became more responsible began to take care of my safety myself - there was no one else. He began to live more often with his grandmother, friends, relatives, and less and less often spent time at home or outside his room. Later, I began to take responsibility not only for myself. Once, I, my father and my younger brother were flying on vacation. My father got drunk even before the flight, and during the transfer in Moscow he caught up even more. I am 12 years old, I have a 4-year-old brother in my arms and a drunken father on my shoulder. Ashamed, scary, uncomfortable.

Fear and shame are two main feelings that I associate with my father. I got rid of fear quite easily - from the age of 14 I more and more often lived alone, and at 16 I completely moved to another city, completely limiting communication with him. Shame is a feeling that has accompanied me for a very long time. Probably, it is only thanks to personal therapy and psychological education that I can now speak about my life openly and without hesitation.

So, my father is an alcoholic and I'm not ashamed. I explain why:

1) Someone was born in an intelligent family, someone in a family of hereditary doctors, someone was born without a father. I was born into a family with an alcoholic. And nothing can be done about it.

2) Shame is a reflection of guilt. It is not my fault for my father's dependence.

3) It's a shame that my father still drinks - but after all, this is his life, not mine, a life in which I do not interfere. First, because I am not asked. Secondly, I have no moral right to change what this person has lived his life in and will live for a long time to come.

4) It's a shame that there was no happy childhood - it was what it could be. Despite this, there was a place for happiness and love. All the events I experienced in childhood tempered me and made me who I am. And I am proud of myself and love myself - for this I have reasons.

5) I am still my father's son. Any of his actions and behavior will not break this connection. So what is left for me - to accept him as he is - or to hide, hide from myself?

6) I am ashamed that my father did not achieve success in life - well, no one asks me to become an academician. This is his life, and this is mine. And only I myself choose the priorities in it and examples to follow.

7) I can only be ashamed of myself and my own actions.

There are a lot of adults who grew up in families with an alcoholic, and I am one of them. Rethinking all of my experiences allows me to work with this topic, to engage more consciously and understandingly in therapy with the client, and to help me go all this way of getting rid of shame. Thanks to my father, I can help other people. I would like as many people with a clear conscience as possible to publicly say: My father is an alcoholic and I am not ashamed!