The People We Choose

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"You yourself are to blame for choosing abuser / psychopaths / drug addicts / idiots / substitute what is needed"

How often have you heard this in your address? How often have you yourself said this to others?

I told. A couple of years ago. And maybe even less. And I thought about myself in the same way at some moments.

And yesterday something clicked in my head and scattered and long-known facts gathered into a sudden picture. Since my only superpowers are sclerosis, the facts may not be academically accurate, but the essence remains.

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Fact number 1

The brain is a very lazy brute. Simply because it is very expensive for the body: even in the "standby" mode, it consumes about 20% of the energy, and even more in the mode of active comprehension. Accordingly, the less often the brain "makes sense of meaning" - the less energy it consumes, an evolutionary profit, so to speak. The consequences of this evolutionary adaptability are the development of certain principles for quick decision making, based not on certainty, but on the so-called "cognitive ease". One of these principles can be formulated as " Familiar means right", as well as safe, the best choice, etc. In fact, it is quite understandable from an evolutionary point of view: if I saw it more than once, was around and survived, then it is safe, and therefore correct. Is it logical? Logical.

More details about "cognitive ease" can be found, for example, in the book "" by Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman.

Fact number 2

Everyone probably knows this story about Columbus's ships, which stood in sight of the coast for almost two weeks before the natives saw them. And then, it seems, only because the shaman convinced them of this, obviously accustomed to constantly seeing in his shamanic trips some kind of incomprehensible fucker. A story from the same opera: Africans who had never seen photographs did not distinguish between photographic images, in particular faces. For them, it was just black and white spots. Moreover, if my memory serves me, children quickly learned to distinguish and see than adults. These are examples that from a certain point brain accepts information already familiar to him well and is very poorly perceived something outside the scope of his experience … It literally simply does not notice, does not perceive, filters out and omits.

Fact no. 3

Children from dysfunctional families (where one or both parents are abusive, drug-alcohol-other-addicted, emotionally cold or with mental disorders) - the first, and often other partners are chosen similar to one of the parents … Yes, as an option, they can go into overcompensation (become these abuser themselves), and then they will choose a partner prone to codependency, that very "bum", gray mouse or henpecked.

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And now, looking at all this charm, you can begin to fall into existential horror and chton. Because it turns out, by and large, "the choice is such that there is no choice." A partner is not chosen because the choosing is an idiot and wants to shoot himself in the foot. In general, no one in a more or less healthy mind wants to consciously suffer, no one chooses the "worst option". Never. The best is always chosen … from those that the chooser sees or considers available!

And according to fact number 1, it turns out that for people from dysfunctional families, the brain automatically calculates surrounded by people who fit the definition of "familiar evil" and focuses attention on them. Just because " I saw it, I know it, I survived with it, it's safe" (!!!).

Everything. Dot. The person simply does not see other partners, because №2.

So that's why I was always pissed off by the phrase "you are to blame, you yourself choose." No, your mother. There is no choice. For a choice to appear, you need to step over the limitations set by your own brain. Doing it yourself, especially as an adult, is quite difficult. We need someone who literally takes a new path by the handle, poking a finger and teaching the brain to distinguish and see something else, unusual. It takes a long time. It's dreary. This is very difficult. But the result is great.

And this is actually great news. Automatic thinking can be changed, can be customized, patched, fixed, expanded and deepened. You can get rid of the desire to stick to the wrong people, learn to see wider, alternatives … It's just incredibly difficult to do it yourself, yes.

It may so happen that you are incredibly lucky and this person has already happened in your life, who was able to expand your horizons, help you see, rethink, realize … But if not, it's never too late. True, never. And at 30 it's not too late. And at 40. And at 60 it's still not too late, albeit longer.

Better late than never. And on this difficult path, a psychotherapist may well become your assistant, yes … maybe even me!:)

Shl. Hmmmm … Who in general said that this is relevant only for relationships with partners?.

(the image does not belong to me, it has the name of my Telegram channel)