2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I have already mentioned the intuitive strategy of traumatics: to seek someone else's love in order to heal with it. We know that outside of therapy it often doesn't work.
I have an observation that one of the reasons.
Here a traumatic person finds a Light In the Window (hereinafter - SVO) - a person whose love, in the opinion of the traumatic person, will heal him. And he begins to conquer this love, throwing all his strength on this quest. It is clear that this becomes the main task in life - after all, the traumatist has his own life at stake: the hope for wholeness, for harmony within, for long-awaited happiness and freedom from horror.
It often happens that SVO after some time reciprocates and falls in love with our traumatic in return. What happens next, I think, many already know: instead of love, a traumatic person suddenly feels a sharp cooling of feelings, disappointment and disgust for SVO. The traumatic person decides that the SVO has been caught somehow wrong and goes to seek his happiness further. Sometimes, first with hatred, rolling out the SVO account for all the forces spent on him, the cattle.
What happened? Many things. Here, a role can be played by the fact that the traumatic person did not seek a specific person, but the hypostasis of a parent. And the fact that many traumatics do not know, in fact, what to do with finally received love, to what place to apply it, because they have never felt loved and they have no experience in this. And some other factors.
But at the heart of all these cases is unfulfilled hope. The hope that the love of this beautiful, unearthly - and he, regardless of his characteristics, is always perceived as more valuable and more beautiful than the traumatic person himself - will work as a rescue cradle. This cradle will go down from heaven, to the very bottom of the pit of horror, shame, pain and self-loathing, in which the traumatic person is sitting, and will pull him out of there into a bright, clean, good place, where neither shame nor pain will ever reach him again. …
And since the love of SVO did not give such an effect, the traumatic person thinks: "This is not at all a celestial, not a special and valuable person, he is just as ugly as I am." That is, according to the feelings of a traumatic person, the SVO who fell in love did not raise the traumatic person to his heaven, but he himself sank head over heels into the same pit where the traumatic person sits. And the traumatic person himself put so much effort, worked so much for this love, but she did not give any effect at all. Zero! This is a little realized, but very strong feeling that governs the perception of the traumatic. Hence the disgust, and contempt, and hatred of the NWO. Sometimes there is even a feeling of guilt - they say, I made a person fall in love with myself, and he got dirty all over, and this love for me turned him from a beautiful creature into a pitiful illiquid.
Moreover, not only a person can act as a CBO, but also some position in the company, moving to another country, some kind of prize or status. In general, anything connected with the innermost hope of salvation.
If you are a traumatic person and find yourself in such a situation, it is important to remember:
1. Your CBO has not changed. As you met him, so he remained. If he was good, he is still good. If bad, then bad. Only your perception of him has changed: before, you caught and carefully kept every word and sign of attention inside, and now you spit out and repulse everything that comes from him. Pay attention to this.
2. Unfortunately, for adults, it does not happen that something external in one fell swoop and drastically cleaned everything inside, rearranged furniture, made major repairs, changed plumbing and hung funny curtains. Moreover, without the participation of the owner of the house. This happens only in early childhood, when other people's actions in relation to our body and psyche are perceived without any criticism and as the ultimate truth.
In an adult, only what he allows to get inside gets inside. When a baby's stomach hurts, all the actions are done by the mother, and the child resignedly accepts them. When an adult has a stomach ache, then a person can be offered help and a bucket of pain reliever, but whether he will accept help and drink the pain reliever - he decides for himself. Not always consciously, but the last word is always with the person himself and without the participation of the person, help cannot be provided.
Returning to the NWO, he cannot do anything for you in the territory where he has no access, and where he is not the master. That is, in your inner world, CBO can offer you warmth, but whether you allow yourself to feel it, take it inside and allow you to warm yourself - this is your and only your action.
3. We tend to accept from the outside only that which coincides with what is inside us. If our internal - "I am a freak", then the external "you are beautiful" will be thrown out immediately, as a lie and, in general, a mockery. And it is not easy to refuse "I am a freak", because the whole life is built on this. It's easier to question “I'm beautiful”. And at the same time honesty and other personal qualities of the one who told us this. This is my “favorite”: “I am a freak and therefore I cannot be loved. If you fell in love with me, it means that you are a freak too, and I don't need freaks."
This does not mean that someone's love cannot help us heal. It only means that we are required to work: how to take this love and how to use it within ourselves for healing. By itself, without our help, this someone else's love will not rearrange the furniture inside us. All of these skills (and more) can be acquired through therapy.
As you can imagine, there is a very large field for manipulation in the question of "the traumatic person and the love offered to him". And many traumatics know about this, so they prefer not to believe anyone at all.
Manipulations are as follows:
"I love you, beast, I put my whole life on you, but you are not healed!"
“Do you want to eat? For pancakes. Would you like some pancakes? So you don’t want to eat! You don't know what you want - go get some treatment!"
“Eat it! I feed you by force solely out of love for you and for your good!"
"Here's a piece of shit for you - this is love, believe me, not your taste sensations!"
“You are rejecting my treatment! You just have trauma and resistance!"
Not everything that is offered under the brand name "love" is love. Caring can be considered caring when it is focused on the needs of the object of care, and does not serve its subject: that is, when they care about a person, and not about themselves through caring for him.
4. Do not rush to feel guilty for the fact that you are like the type, and you answer: nothing or run away. It is easiest to slip into guilt, because it helps not to see the situation as it is. First, calmly analyze what is really going on. Compare what happened before with what is now. Compare the facts and your feelings: what exactly caused the changes in your attitude to a person - only your perception or some words or actions of your CBO. Only then make preliminary conclusions.
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