We All Come From Childhood2 "Keep Your Mouth Shut So As Not To Create Problems For Others"

Video: We All Come From Childhood2 "Keep Your Mouth Shut So As Not To Create Problems For Others"

Video: We All Come From Childhood2 "Keep Your Mouth Shut So As Not To Create Problems For Others"
Video: Колхозная грамматика: YOU WAS, THEM KIDZ, I AIN'T - просторечный (vernacular) английский 2024, March
We All Come From Childhood2 "Keep Your Mouth Shut So As Not To Create Problems For Others"
We All Come From Childhood2 "Keep Your Mouth Shut So As Not To Create Problems For Others"
Anonim

The beginning of this story in childhood, as well as many others. When conflicts in the family, or the negative mood of the parents, the child tied to himself and believed that the father or mother was dissatisfied with him.

Nobody explained to him that adults can experience different feelings and emotions and the reasons can be completely different, and not just good or bad behavior of the child.

Today I want to do without analysis, assessment, comments. This is done by the clients themselves during the conversation. Just cases from practice.

Request: Mood swings, anxiety, dissatisfaction with oneself, there is no desire for anything.

- Tell us what worries you?

-Yana: I feel good in the morning, and then a state of anxiety appears, an underestimated emotional background, it is very difficult for me to assess my feelings.

What is more related to your anxiety? What are you worried about?

-Yana - I don’t know how to describe it, it’s some kind of uncertainty. The state is not at ease, the feeling that I'm doing everything wrong and meaningless

-And how to do it right? And in relation to what it should be right?

-Jana- well, if I like it?

-What do you like? Think back to the last moments. What makes the mood rise and joy appears?

-Yana - I can’t remember, I often have the feeling that I do it only when I should or should.

-I understand correctly, it turns out that you do not need it?

-Yana: all the time I do this "must" for someone, but not for myself. So I can't remember what I really want.

- Describe this, what should be done and why? For what? And who needs it?

-Yana- for example homework, it strains me, does not make me happy, more like a duty.

- And besides the order in the house, what else are you doing?

-Yana- I can’t remember, everything doesn’t suit me. I don't like the house, the job, the people.

-What does not suit you, for example a house? And where do you want to live then?

-Yana- in the apartment and so that everything is fine?

-And how will you understand that everything is already good, what are the criteria for this "good".

-Yana: there should be a favorite job, friends with whom you could communicate pleasantly and openly.

-Okay, and with what people can you afford to communicate openly?

-Yana - they should inspire me empathy, trust, and then I will feel relaxed and free, we should have common interests, these are people close to me.

- What kind of people can be called close? Describe them

-Yana- friendly, sociable, funny.

-How will you feel communicating with them?

-Yana: I would feel - calmness, safety.

-Does all the other people leave you in danger?

-What is the danger? What can they do to you?

-Yana: for example, they will start discussing me behind their backs and I am not pleased with it.

-After what words of theirs does it become unpleasant?

-Yana: for example, to say that I'm not sociable and you can't get a word out of her.

-I understand correctly, have there been such cases? Tell us about them.

-Yana: yes there were, once they asked me about someone and I answered, then I was to blame for what I said wrong, it means that they are not satisfied with what I am talking about and it is better then to be silent at all. and now I prefer to be silent now so that these situations do not arise.

-I understand correctly, I'm afraid to talk to people because I don't know what to expect from them?

-Yana: Yes, and I had a feeling that people cannot be trusted.

- Often there were similar situations and what kind of situations are they?

-Yana: mmm, when did I decide to keep my mouth shut? it was in class 3. A neighbor came up to me and started asking how we live (our family). After this incident, my mother somehow took offense at me and began to talk less with me, saying the following phrase “you can't be so trusting and it's better to keep your mouth shut. I then decided that it is better not to say anything at all, so as not to create problems for others, since it is not known how this can turn against me and people will stop communicating with me at all, so that there is no feeling of guilt, I now prefer to be silent.

-What kind of communication can we talk about if you have made the decision to be silent?

- So it’s dangerous to express your point of view, because you don’t know how other people will react to it? So you are to blame for everything and are responsible for everyone around, for their emotions, behavior, events from their lives? Then answer the question, please: could you know that having told about some events from the lives of other people, they will have a feeling of awkwardness for themselves?

-Yana: no

-Does this mean that that feeling of awkwardness is your feeling? Exactly how is it possible to feel shame, and any other feelings that are usually called negative? And why would they share these details with you then?

-Yana: no

-Whose feelings are these? Whose responsibility is it? yours or those people?

-Yana: them.

-Do you agree that you should not be responsible for other people around you?

-Yana: yes

-Correctly I understand the fear of communication comes from childhood?

-Yana: yes, and also the fact that my opinion does not mean anything, and no one cares about my thoughts and feelings either, because they all live right. and I'm wrong.

Do I understand correctly: I do not live by my own desires and thoughts? I do what others need.

-Yana- yes, by and large I never had my own opinion, I always lived in someone else's mind.

-And now tell me, is it possible to please at once the example of 10 people with different points of view? and why is that other point of view better or should coincide with yours than someone else's point of view by what criteria is it better than yours and better for whom?

-Yana: no, of course it is not possible to please everyone.

-You did some independent actions. at least occasionally. for example made a decision about something?

-Yana- yes, institute, marriage and childbirth. and concluded that my independent actions do not lead to anything good, at what point does the desire to act disappear?

At what point does this happen?

-Jana: when I make a mistake

-Now please tell me, is it possible to get a new experience without making mistakes and without correcting mistakes?

-Yana: no, not possible, my ideality, principle bothers me - or is it ideal or not to do it at all?

-And how far did you go with this principle, how many steps were you able to take while adhering to this principle?

-Yana: no faster, on the contrary, I'm afraid to do something

-And does it mean if we can't do it right away, then what does it mean? And what do you need to do to move on?

-Yana- in order to change the situation, you need to change some steps, I rush constantly, no determination, even in the store I can not choose anything and decide what I need. I think it will not work, spend money or not. right or wrong.

-Answer please how to look like that right? Do you have someone in mind who does everything like this? And who is this man?

-Yana, I do not know such people, but all my actions do not satisfy me, I always inflate the elephant out of a fly and it is better not to do anything and sit.

- And what does it usually lead to sitting and doing nothing? I understand correctly, I need everything at once? and ideally ideal? answer the question how should it look perfect or good? it has a color, a smell, what are the criteria for this ideal?

-Yana: there should be a feeling of satisfaction, apparently this simply does not exist. because if I did it differently, there is no guarantee that it would suit me differently. can then just give yourself the right to make mistakes more often in order to find it correctly and ideally? otherwise how will I understand it?

-I understand correctly, you are always dissatisfied with yourself or am I trying to correspond to someone's opinion?

-Yana: yes. maybe I'm trying to match someone else's opinion.

-Is it possible to please everyone and and will it really cause a feeling of satisfaction, subject to one condition (someone likes it, not me)?

-Yana: to be honest, I don’t know why someone else’s opinion is so important to me and why someone else’s opinion is important, but mine is not important. And also the initiative is punishable and therefore it is better not to do anything.

-You are helped by persuasion- initiative is punishable and your inaction. what does inaction lead to?

-Yana: no, it doesn't help

- Well, we have 2 models of behavior - in one case we stand still for fear of making mistakes and another model - we make mistakes and thus get our own experience, which is so necessary for us. Which model do you like best?

-Yana: second

-What is the future of a person in each of these models, what awaits a person in one case and what in another? and which model will benefit you most?

-Yana - the first one does not lead to anything and in any case there will be dissatisfaction that I am not doing anything and in another case there will be dissatisfaction only because of the fear of making a mistake, but it leads to changes.

-Yana- I usually hide my head in the sand in any difficult situation, instead of solving this situation, which ultimately leads to the fact that I run away, hide and do nothing, I do not know how to resolve these situations, I just do not know how …

- Well, how can you learn to resolve situations, with the help of what?

-Yana: experience, I probably just do not know how to take responsibility.

-What does it mean for you to take responsibility for yourself?

-Yana - I do not really understand the meaning of this, but probably, if we make a decision or make a choice, then are we ready to take responsibility for the consequences of this choice and find the strength in ourselves to solve the situation

What conclusions can be drawn after our conversation?

-Yana: I should be ready for any development of events and not be upset about it, learn to either solve problems, or change my attitude towards this situation, and therefore take such actions as a result of which I will have a feeling of satisfaction. everything always goes smoothly in life, everyone makes mistakes, you need to have your own opinion and be able to defend it, you need to learn to listen to your opinion. And also to take independent actions so that this opinion appears. And there was experience in solving certain situations.

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