Silence Hours (silent Children At The Reception)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For the first time, I read about the "silent children" at a reception when I was a student with K. Whitaker. Later, I read about cases of silence from E. Dorfman. Not so long ago, having no such experience in my practice, speaking with students, I expressed fears that I was afraid that in such a case I would not fall into a compulsive search for what to do and how to get the child to talk. To be honest, I was overcome with doubts that I would be able to endure the situation of silence without embarrassment.

Let me start with the incident that struck me many years ago, described by Whitaker.

A ten-year-old boy appeared at Whitaker angry and stubborn. He stopped at the doorway and stared into space. An attempt to talk was unsuccessful. The boy was silent. Whitaker sat down and spent the rest of the hour contemplating. When the reception time was over, Whitaker told the boy about it, and he left. This went on for ten weeks. After the second week, Whitaker stopped saying hello, just opened the door to let the boy in or out. And then the teacher called from school to tell how the boy had changed for the better. “How did you achieve this?” The teacher wondered. There was nothing to answer to Whitaker, since he himself did not know it.

Elaine Dorfman described a fourteen-year-old boy who was sent to psychotherapy due to the fact that he lay in wait for and robbed younger children, attacked unfamiliar adults, tortured and hung cats, broke fences, and performed poorly on school assignments. He categorically refused to discuss anything with the therapist and spent most of his time in fifteen weekly sessions reading comics, methodically examining drawers in the closet and desk, raising and lowering the window shades, and just looking out the window. In the middle of these seemingly useless contacts with the therapist, his teacher told the therapist that for the first time in his entire time in school, he had performed an act of generosity without any compulsion. The teacher told the therapist that the boy had typed the party programs on his own typewriter and distributed them to his classmates, although no one had given him such a task. As the teacher said: "This was his first social act." For the first time, the boy showed an interest in school activities. "Now he truly became one of us," said the teacher. "We stopped even noticing him."

Another case described by Elaine Dorfman.

A 12-year-old boy was referred to therapy for attempted rape and his school performance so poorly that he was isolated from the class in order to prepare individual lessons under the guidance of a teacher. During therapy sessions, he did his spelling homework or describe the most recent movie he watched. Once he brought a deck of cards and played "war" with the therapist. This indicates the degree of openness of their relationship. When the semester ended, the boy returned to his class, where he received a grade as a student who "behaves very well." A month later, while walking down the street with a friend, the boy unexpectedly met a therapist; I introduced them and told a friend: “You have to go to her, because you cannot learn to read. She helps those in trouble."

More often than not, Dorfman writes, it is impossible to know how the child reacts when the therapist accepts his silence, but sometimes something is discovered. This "something" turns out to be the time in therapy that belongs to the child.

The grandmother of a 12-year-old boy approached me. The boy's parents have never been married. From birth, the boy was in the house of his maternal grandmother, in which, in addition to him, four more children were raised. Mother and father did not take part in the life of their son. His paternal grandmother visited him about five times a year (the boy lived in another city). Every year the boy's behavior became worse and worse: he fought with children, did not obey his grandmother, insulted adults, conducted dangerous experiments (during one of them he set a fire in a barn). From the time of entering the school, the problems have been added and intensified. The boy did not want to study, destroyed textbooks and other stationery, quarreled with teachers, fought with children. Once he hit the boy in the eye with a stick. The boy needed an operation, for which the money was found by his paternal grandmother. After the incident, the boy's grandmother asked his paternal grandmother to take him to her place. Getting into a new environment fell on the summer holidays, at first, according to the grandmother, the boy's behavior was normal. But from the moment he entered the new school, the problems resumed. He did not want to study, fought with peers and older children, quarreled with teachers, outlined school desks and entrance walls, often lost school notebooks, threw garbage and food from the balcony on passers-by, sometimes stole money from his grandmother. At school, my grandmother was advised to see a psychologist. During the year, the grandmother took the boy to psychologists who were unable to establish contact with the boy. My grandmother spoke of this experience with obvious shame. Once the boy left the psychologist ten minutes later and, without saying anything, walked away. The persuasion to return affected him in such a way that he became aggressive, cried and insulted his grandmother. My grandmother warned me that the boy refused to talk to psychologists, did not want to draw, refused all the offered activities. The grandmother already had little faith in her grandson's positive changes.

The boy came to me and sat down on a chair with a deep sigh. My attempts to talk were unsuccessful, the boy was silent. After that, not paying any attention to me, he got up, walked around the room, sat down on a chair that stood against the wall. When I asked if I could sit next to him, he was not answered. After that, I took my chair, placing it on the opposite side of the room, sat down slightly with a shift to the right opposite the boy. Then I said: “You are not answering, so I don’t know if I can sit next to you, I will sit here, because there is no point in staying in my previous place either.” In the end, I said that the time was up, opened the door and called the waiting grandmother.

The second time, the boy did not answer my greeting. I invited him to sit down at the table, choose any accessories lying in front of him and try to draw something. “Do you want to draw? You can draw your mood, yourself, me, grandmother, school, dream, teachers, your classmates, whatever you want,”I said. To my, frankly, joy, the boy took the paper, chose a felt-tip pen and … drew a line in the center of the vertically located sheet, after which he held the felt-tip pen in his hand for several seconds and put it on the table. After that, he got up from the table and sat down on the same chair as the previous time. I, in turn, did the same as the first time, but this time in silence.

Two subsequent meetings, the boy came, took his chair and sat in silence for 50 minutes. The boy was in no way passive, not apathetic, according to his grandmother, he was quite energetic, so such a long incubation was amazing.

At the fifth meeting, the boy sat on a chair for about 15 minutes, then got up, went to the table and began to consider everything that awaited him there every time (board games, postcards, books, etc.). Then he took several books with him, went to the windowsill and began to leaf through them. So up to my words that time is up.

Every time we went out, my grandmother came up with the question: "How are you?" The boy was silent, I answered that everything was fine.

But I already had to talk to my grandmother and try, without promising anything, to convince her to continue therapy. It turned out that my grandmother was glad that they were not "abandoned".

At the sixth meeting, the boy immediately went to the table, took D. S.'s book. Shapovalov "The best football players in the world", sat down on his chair and began to read. So until my words about the elapsed time.

The seventh meeting began with the continuation of the study of the book "The best football players in the world", about fifteen minutes before the end it was changed to the book by Martin Sodomk "How to assemble a car".

At the eighth meeting, the boy came to me "as to his home," took Sodomka's book, sat down on his chair and began to read. For the first time I broke the silence: "Maybe we can invite grandmother here?" The boy looked surprised. For the first time, there was a distinct emotion on his face and he looked straight at me. Then his face returned to its usual expression, and he began to read. Fifteen minutes later the boy sat down at the table, began to examine various cards, he examined them in such a way that it seemed that he was looking for or choosing something in them. Then he carefully folded sheet A-4 into four pieces, cut it open, put the bookmark in the book and put it aside. I took Jeremy Strong's book, School Disorder, went to the windowsill and began to read. When he heard that the time was up, he went to the table, put the book down and left.

The next time the boy entered, I greeted him as usual, to which he nodded to me (for the first time) and asked: "Should I call my grandmother?" (I heard his voice for the first time).

- As you see fit.

- Grandma, come in.

The grandmother came in obviously bewildered, embarrassed and anxious. I cheered her up with a look. Grandma came in, I showed that she can sit down. The boy was reading while sitting at the table. My grandmother and I were also sitting. After about 10 minutes, the grandmother clearly relaxed.

For the next three meetings, the boy dropped in with his grandmother. Everyone sat down in their places, the boy continued reading. At the end of the twelfth meeting, the boy turned to his grandmother with a request to buy him such a book ("Disorder at school"). The grandmother promised to do it this very second.

Then he got up, went to the table, took the books "The best football players in the world" and "How to assemble a car", showed them to his grandmother and said: "They are also very good."

The grandmother said: "If you want, we will buy these", the boy replied: "I want."

I said, “If you have these books, what are we going to do? Don't you like the others? Look closely, there are still interesting ones."

The boy replied, “I don’t know what else to read. Have you read these?"

“Yes, of course,” I said. "And I must tell you that our tastes are very much the same."

The boy asked: "Which one do you like best?"

I said, “They are different. But I really like about the footballers and Miss Mess, very cool."

Grandmother took the books, took out her glasses, and began to examine them. The boy looked quite peaceful and even a happy child.

The next time my grandmother and her grandson immediately informed me that they had ordered books on the Internet and were waiting for delivery. This time the boy, going up to the table, sat down at it and said: "Why did you tell me to draw?"

- Honestly, I knew that you do not like to talk, and it was evident from you, I wanted you, perhaps, to draw something and maybe then tell something about the drawing. You were silent all the time, it was difficult to figure out what to do,”I said.

“I don’t know how to draw,” said the boy.

“Me too,” I replied.

“I don’t know how,” he said.

“Believe me, I draw very badly,” I said.

- And what, are you drawing? The boy asked.

“Sometimes,” I replied.

“But you don’t know how.

- I don't know how, but I like paints, gouaches, so I paint. Many people do not know how to sing, but they sing for themselves. We do not pretend that the drawings were exhibited at the exhibition.

- But I don't like drawing. And my handwriting is terrible.

- Tell me, you can say so that I did not ask you whether you like to draw or not, but immediately offered to draw. I should have asked you, do you like to draw?

- Yes. But that's not what you said. Did you say you want to draw? But I hate drawing.

- Why didn't you tell me directly about it? That's how you say it now.

- I said before. But I was told, like you, that it doesn't matter how you paint. But this is important. It is important. A good mark is not given to those who draw poorly.

- Do you get bad grades in drawing?

- Sure.

“But I'm not your teacher.

- Oh, thank God!

- Here you can draw just like that. But I will not convince you of anything. Since you convinced me that you do not like to draw. It does not matter. But it is important that you said it. It's still important to talk.

- Not always.

- Why?

“I don’t want to talk, so that later I can listen even more.

- Don't you like to listen?

- Not really. Reading quietly is better than listening. Don't be offended. But I would sit and listen to you. And so I read and learned a lot. Look about the same players.

- I will agree. When you read it, it was very calm. I felt good too.

Grandma: “And me. Here the books will come, we will read. Yes?.

- Grandma, are you going to read these books?

- And what? - laughs.

The next meeting began with the words of my grandmother that they were studying books. I asked if the boy would like to draw attention to the other books on the table. The boy said that he already knows everything here.

- You must be very attentive?

- Well, here I know everything.

- Can we talk?

- About my behavior, study?

- And about that too.

- Good.

- You explained to me very well last time about drawing. It is important for me to understand everything else that you do not like. If I understand, I really hope that we can talk honestly.

- I like everything now.

- That is, you are ready to listen and speak.

- Yes, sure. You understand, now I know you.

- Tell me, what changed when grandmother joined us?

- Nothing special. But she just stopped worrying. What, how, these are her eternal questions, whether I was rude.

- That is, she saw that you were not rude, that everything was fine.

- Yes, it probably became even better when she began to come here. Calmer.

- Is calmness important to you? But often you don't behave calmly.

- Yes.

- You fight. You swear.

- Yes. But I love calmness. I may not fight. Your grandmother told you about that incident in … (names the city where he used to live) with a boy whose eye I hurt.

- Yes. I know.

- We had a fight since the morning. I was leaving, he threw a stone in my back, but did not hit. Then I went for a walk again. I told him to go home. So that I do not see him on my street. He said it was his street. And I have nothing. He said that we all live like drunks. That we have no money. He said he had money. I took this stick. I didn't want to be in the eye. It happened. It's a shame that then his parents came running and began to threaten. They demanded money. My grandmother called another grandmother, asked for money. He says they have money and we don't. And then his parents say that we have to give money, since an operation is needed.

Grandma: “You didn't talk about it. But you can't fight. You see how it all ends."

- I see. That some are always right and others are not.

- Do you always feel wrong?

- Yes, all the time. No, I feel right, but others will always expose that I am bad.

He turns to his grandmother: “I told Aunt L. (mother's sister) about this, but she said that I was to blame. And it was she who told my grandmother that I needed to be sent to you."

- She did not support you …

- No.

- How do you like it here with your grandmother?

- Better. But this school … In … (the city) it was even better.

- What's better?

- There are all friends. I don't know anyone here. Sometimes you want to go back. But live with this grandmother in her house.

- This house is better for you.

- A lot. There is a lot of room here. You can do whatever you want. And there is as much as you want. You see, there are three more brothers and a sister. Uncle and aunt. Grandmother. There is little food there. Well, there is a lot of it. But there are just too many people.

The grandmother reports that the boy has recently had no conflicts with peers and teachers, he has stopped losing notebooks, shows more diligence in his studies, made friends with several classmates, he has hobbies and dreams. The boy became a personal fan of one active football player, and he follows European football with great interest. In the future, he dreams of becoming a football agent or connecting his professional life with the automotive industry. She and her grandmother started a piggy bank to collect money for a smartphone. Money does not disappear from the wallet.

Remembering the words of M. Heidegger: "Speaking and writing about silence generate the most depraved chatter", I will briefly outline my conclusions and reflections.

The offer to call my grandmother was certainly a risk. It could destroy all the work done. The boy's spontaneity could be destroyed. Obviously, there is growing confidence in the therapist too. But in this case, the risk turned out to be justified (this does not mean that in other cases the above fears will not be justified). However, it seemed important to me to introduce the ashamed grandmother into an atmosphere where her grandson is received without any conditions. After a while, the tension and shame of the grandmother began to fade away and disappeared altogether. Thus, the boy's self-worth increased, which provided not only unconditional positive acceptance of the psychologist, but also his acceptance as he was, a loved one. So a new experience appeared for both the boy and the grandmother. It must be said that over time, the grandmother became able to speak with the boy's teachers, defending his interest, and not apologizing for his behavior.

The next risk is associated with permissiveness in client-centered therapy. There are reasons why freedom of expression should not be an issue. First, the therapist refrains from praising the child; secondly, the child is aware of the difference between therapy sessions and everyday life; thirdly, it is impossible to change a certain behavior by tabooing a child in everyday life.

Why does it help? The therapist does not become yet another agent of society, requiring a certain type of behavior. The child has the opportunity to reveal himself regardless of the criteria of sociality, feeling himself in a fairly safe environment. The child "tests" the therapist, recognizes him, checks how much he can be trusted. In my therapeutic case, the boy says directly: "You understand, now I know you." Sitting silently, not communicating anything about himself or his attitude towards the boy and his life situation, unconditionally accepting the child, the therapist gives him the opportunity to get to know him, to find out that the therapist does not threaten anything, that he is “his own” who can be trusted.

It's hard to just be. Not to do, but simply to be. The silent child takes all the tools. No funds. It is impossible to arrange in the usual way. Much is exposed in silence. Words and actions can deceive. Silence no. It will show more eloquently: they ignore you, endure, wait impatiently for you to leave, etc. Silence will show for sure whether this adult is really an "adult" or he is a rejected anxious child who assures you that "it does not matter how to draw" …

Any psychotherapeutic situation requires establishing contact at the level of experiences, involving in communication not only the client's experiences, but also the experiences of the therapist, and the silent child challenges the therapist's authenticity.

K. Rogers formulated three necessary and sufficient conditions for psychotherapy: empathy, unconditional acceptance and congruence. Congruence suggests that the therapist tries to be himself and to avoid any professional or personal artificiality. The therapist seeks to free himself from ready-made formulas, even if these are the most specific client-centered methods of therapeutic response, such as the technique of "reflection of feelings". On occasion, the therapist may use his body as a vehicle for empathic expression - using bodily imitation. In my case with the silent boy, the reflections were a mild expression of desire to get in touch with the child. They expressed agreement with the boy, acceptance of him. And they reflected my intentions to follow the child, and not to lead him.

When a child does not communicate anything, this does not mean that at this time the therapist is not experiencing anything. At every moment, the therapist's inner world is saturated with different feelings. Most of them are related to the client and what is happening at the moment. The therapist should not passively wait for the child to say or do something therapeutically appropriate. Instead, the therapist can turn to his own experience at any moment and discover a reservoir of states from which much can be learned and with which the therapeutic interaction can be maintained, stimulated and deepened. Before you try to lead, accompany, and change, you first need to understand, support, and approve. In our impatience and disappointment, we often tend to force the child, force him, lead him, put pressure on him. Rather than immediately perceiving differences through a negative lens, try to look at them as a different perspective that, with support, can help develop strengths and hidden talents.