2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The theme "Confidence" evoked a response. And I thought. My conscience does not allow me to write a glamorous caramel text about how everything will be fine. I know it's not always good. That the world, although not completely black, and not even black and white, but still there are dark moments in it. Something is not turning out as intended. Contact with a person can turn into a mental wound. Career, business, project - everything can go wrong. Life does not indulge in candy called "100% cloudlessness anytime, anywhere." And what to do? How to be?
Working with clients in coaching, and observing the life of calm, confident people (yes, there are such people), I first of all notice emotions. Lively feelings.
If we take a little closer look at the context in which clients ask to help them with “confidence”, then the most frequent requests are: how to move on to your goal, how to find the strength to cope with fear, disappointment, vulnerability, and how to protect your interests when and the business has to endure an incorrect attitude to oneself and to the results of one's labor.
In this post, I will explain through what approaches and processes you can strengthen your sense of self-esteem. And how to deal with vulnerability when looking for a job.
First, tune in to the belief that confidence is like health. You cannot eat harmful foods for 20-30-40 years, avoid physical activity, deny yourself adequate sleep and rest, and suddenly - again! - and magically run a marathon. Just as the body has strength, endurance and speed, the psyche has the same qualities. And just as the body can be transformed through training and a healthy lifestyle, so the psyche can be strengthened through healthy and caring relationships with oneself, the world and other people.
Let's start with endurance. When looking for a job, we become vulnerable. Few people, after the employer's refusal or after an unsuccessful interview, believe that "the list of my skills now does not coincide with the tasks of the position." No. Not a list. Not skills. This is "I AM NOT FIT FOR ANYWHERE." And there is a nasty feeling of cats scratching at the soul, covering with sadness and despondency, and sometimes with disappointment and despair. It's hard to bear. This is a wound. It appears in everyone. Both confident and insecure people. The difference between them is not that the former are invulnerable and the latter are weak. Those who are just confident recover faster.
What is the strength of confident people? How do they do it?
An important skill - they know how to separate the results of their activities from their "I". Skills, achievements, diplomas, talents for confident people are not leather, but clothing. Agree, watching a button come off from your favorite work jacket is unpleasant, but still not as painful as getting an abrasion from meeting your knee with asphalt.
This security usually comes from childhood. When parents, raising a child, accustom him to the thought: “You are good, but this failure in something is not very good. And if so, then the wrong can be corrected, but you are still good. Self-confidence is the result of years of training supported by a friendly environment.
The second important aspect available to confident people is the ability to notice their feelings. A person can constantly say: "Here I am, and here is my resentment, anxiety, sadness." Moving away in this way, heavy feelings can be examined, feel how they respond in the body (that with breathing, that with the heartbeat, where cats scratch, where tension arises) and just wait out the most acute moment, as they wait out a wave in a storm. And then watch how it gradually becomes easier.
Now I can directly see how some of the readers think: “Well. Everything is lost. I did not have such conditions in my childhood. And now I will not see confidence. The good news is that you are no longer a child. You are stronger, you have a wider range of ways to get what you need to strengthen yourself and develop new habits. You can at least ask friends and family for help. And you can definitely observe yourself and work out your own way of experiencing difficulties and getting out of troubles as a winner.
The first thing to build is a network of supportive contacts. Since wounds in work situations arise in contact with people (recruiters, managers, colleagues), then it is worth treating them in contact, but with other people. Ask yourself the question: "Who of my loved ones are on my side all the time, all the time for me?" There can be only one such person. If you are lucky, then you have several such friends. Agree with them for support. Sometimes feeling is more important than hearing. And someone who is equally pleased with your presence, regardless of whether you are working now or not, whether your boss loves you or not, whether your project was a success or not, can give you this feeling of “I am me” with his warm attitude. I am good (people are glad to me), but my problems are something separate from me and can be solved."
The second level of mastery is learning to treat yourself with kindness. Conduct a thought experiment. Imagine someone else is looking for a job. Generally a stranger to you. He talks about how his letters are not answered, how his experience is not taken into account, how scary it is to ask for a salary that matches his qualifications. Have you presented? How do you feel about this person? What would you like to do for him? In coaching dialogues, usually those who are tormented by uncertainty, others in a difficult situation tend to feel sorry for others, and to scold themselves. Do this exercise every time you feel out of place, and show yourself as much kindness as you do to other people.
Over time, the habit of seeing your feelings, experiencing them and giving yourself support will make you more resilient. And confidence will grow naturally.
Another factor in building confidence is seeing the truth about your job accomplishments. One of my favorite sayings: “You are not as bad as you are told when you fail. But not as good as you hear about yourself when you win. List everything you've done. Look at these results with someone else's eyes. If someone else did as much as you did in the circumstances you were in - how professional would he look in your eyes?
Finally, here's a simple self-help tool for dealing with feelings.
As long as you are in a traumatic situation (looking for a new job, unhealthy relationships with a manager, difficulties with clients), keep a journal and ask yourself questions.
- What I feel? (Anger? Resentment? Joy? Hope?)
- What am I? (Good? Bad? Necessary? Unnecessary to anyone? Strong? Weak?)
- Is my sense of self true? (Am I really so small and weak? Am I really so grand and beautiful?)
- What can comfort me and reduce my pain?
These questions will help balance your emotions. And as soon as you give the answer to the 4th question - act. Take care of yourself, talk to yourself respectfully and say a few kind words, monitor your physical condition and life will improve. Verified many times.
I invite you to the Burnout Webinar, December 11th. Registration by link.
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