Emotional Addiction Is Not Harm, But Good

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In our enlightened age, the idea that emotional dependence is bad is known to everyone. The topic is raised in many books and articles, all of them, undoubtedly, are trustworthy and call to fight this scourge. But, as often happens, together with the water we throw out the baby.

In the heat of dealing with emotional addiction, we are missing one very important detail. So important that it's so easy to separate it from a person and throw it away as unnecessary. Because it was created by evolution and is firmly embedded in a human being. Our survival depends on this detail, since evolutionary development is initially focused on maximum adaptation to the world, so that "life is better, life is more fun." The chemical processes of the organism and the mechanisms of the psyche that do not contribute to the survival of Homo sapiens in the environment are mercilessly discarded by evolution, and those that favor survival remain and are fixed.

So, one of these necessary processes is … emotional dependence. Yes, she is! The one about which the famous song is sung: "Alone suffering from that love", and therefore it is imperative to get rid of it.

But the paradox is that it will not work to get rid of what evolution has polished for centuries and invested in us as a necessary condition for existence! They do not argue with nature, and if they enter into confrontation, then it does not end well. She is stronger and wiser than us.

People are gregarious creatures. From time immemorial we have been forming groups, creating connections and trying not to fight back from “ours”. We are looking for a couple, another person, to enter into a relationship with him. Then we become stronger, anxiety disappears, opportunities for development and satisfaction of needs appear. Namely, satisfaction of needs makes us viable. Almost all of our vital requests require the presence of another person nearby.

Try to satisfy your hunger, for example, if you are alone. This is how much work needs to be done! It is much easier to depend on others in this - one plows the land and grows wheat, another grinds flour, the third bakes bread. And everyone is good!

And the need for security, which is basic, how do you satisfy it when you are alone? One in the field is not a warrior, you can't argue with that.

And the need for love, recognition, or, as Eric Berne wrote, for stroking, is this where to attach? Touching, too, cannot be disregarded. There are studies that babies, deprived of tactile contact with their mother, began to lag behind in physical and intellectual development. You can, of course, iron yourself, but this cannot be compared with an affectionate, welcoming hug. Scientists also insist on the need for hugs with another person. There are experimental works confirming the obligatory warm emotional bonds of a child with a mother.

The experience of emotional dependence is the very first experience that a person comes into this world. After birth, he gives himself to his mother completely and completely, trusts himself in her hands and heart. This fusion provides him with nourishment, sleep, protection and full development. This is justifiable behavior that is human.

So emotional dependence in itself is not evil, we need a deep connection with another person like air, and there is nothing to replace it with.

Leaving intimate relationships is only necessary when they become toxic. Communication quality is what matters! Codependency, or, in other words, "bad" emotional addiction, begins when we find an object that is unable to create a spiritual connection based on love, support and acceptance. Since our brain can only react to such an object, it has no other file, read experience. This is always a children's story with parents who cannot express their love, whose souls shrank and hardened from their own wounds and they had nothing to give their children but pain.

American experts on work with codependency Berry and Janey Winehold write that addiction is a search for love in the wrong place. This is a very accurate definition.

If we are looking for love “in the wrong place,” if we choose the wrong partners, then we are doomed to experience an emotional hunger called loneliness. And that is why it is so difficult for us to get out of destructive relationships that the absence of love, friendship or family ties harms us much more. In this absence, there is a lot of fear in strength comparable to the fear of death. He is the fuel for codependency.

In conclusion, I would like to appeal to women. Don't be intimidated by emotional addiction! We all strive to find a mate, this is our nature. Men want this no less, believe me. The main thing is that we all meet in the right place.